August 24, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 24th of August 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It seems that we may have something to fear after all. South Africa’s press freedom is under threat; Helen and Patricia look like they’re going to be making that lesbian dvd after all *cringe* and the ANC Youth League have again taken to speaking their minds – a move which leaves the country dumber every time they do it.

With great lines like ANC spokesperson Jackson Mthembu saying that the ANC has made it fashionable to fight corruption and was doing so successfully, one has to wonder, what version of history-in-the-making are these chops are watching.

“We have a big arsenal of instruments to fight corruption within the State, and they are performing their functions very effectively without fear or favour.”

Well, I guess someone has to put the “ars” in arsenal, without fear or favour.

But then again, it does sometimes feel as though our leaders constantly need reminding that the news is not a drama series and the folks yelling at them are not actors.

Here’s a live crossing to an ANC policy meeting.

Let’s see how many complaints I get about that one.

But, wait there’s more. Oh, so much more, here in The Opening Monologue.

Its one thing to be robbed – the fear, stress and inconvenience can be enough to grow an ulcer farm in your gut. But it’s quite another to be robbed by the inept.

Two police reservists – IN UNIFORM – on duty at a roadblock in Mamelodi, decided it was time to play the extortion game when they pulled over a bakkie transporting 23kgs of copper wire. The driver told them he was going to sell the wire at a shop at Eersterust. So naturally, they got into the vehicle and drove with the man, while holding him at gunpoint. Upon arrival at the shop, they stole R3000. They then got dropped off at the roadblock as though nothing had happened and let the driver go.

Obviously charges were laid; the reservists were arrested WITH THE CASH STILL ON THEM and will soon be in court.

I didn’t realise the police were running a daycare for dumbass criminals. I guess it is a community project. Let them be cops for a day, see if they like it. If not, they can help themselves to whatever is passing by. If that is the case, does this count as psychological entrapment? Shame on the police for tempting these fine criminals!

Then again, you could always just defend yourself. A 77-year-old grandmother from Heidelberg has sent burglars packing with a little 12-gauge love song. As several men attacked her security gate with a pick axe, another man, armed with a pistol, broke through the bedroom window and attempted to climb through.

He was greeted by this.

There was a boom, a crash and a brown streak that marked his exit. There were unconfirmed reports that she was later heard to mutter “Damn Jehovah’s Witnesses… No means no.”

SA Communist Party general secretary Blade (Not The Daywalker) Nzimande has criticised the media… again. According to him, the media is what could be holding back SA.

“Whilst media can be a very important ally to democracy, at the same time it can be a severe obstacle to advancement.”

So it’s their fault that unemployment and homelessness is so high. So is one to assume that there are secret messages hidden in their nefarious typeface? Is their plan to demoralise us with all those Jobs Pages on Wednesday? Only time and the Blade will tell.

As a parting shot, on democracies in Africa,Blade referred to them as “just a recycling of elites.”

Well they do make the nicest handbags once recycled, don’t they?

Speaking of fashion, would you sit next to this on a flight to Cape Town?

If you answered WTF!! You wouldn’t be the only one. Believe it or not, this guy was allowed to board his American Airlines flight. No problems at all. Some critics have said that if he was a she, she wouldn’t have been allowed on-board.

Yeah, I see their point. The tramp stamp is a bit much.

North Korea’s just decided to join the rest of the world in a new way: they’ve gotten Twitter and YouTube accounts. But don’t expect to see clips of hilarious skateboarding accidents any time soon. They’re using the net to slag off the US, South Korea and anyone else that grabs their fancy. Darn, I was hoping to see a live rendition of the Dear Leader singing “I’m so ronery!”

When you think of computer hackers, the word Bloemfontein doesn’t really ever spring to mind. But one student of Geology at The University of The Free State thought that it would be fun to see just how far he could get into their mainframe. Lwazi Mphumezi Magam got a six month or R5000 fine suspended sentence after he admitted guilt in the case.

I bet they roughed him up a bit in the interrogation. Posted phony Facebook updates on his account, sent out crappy tweets and messed around on his WoW account. And the most evil of evil things… made him watch Twilight Parodies! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!

The Office is going to China. Ricky Gervais has announced that a new incarnation of the show is currently in the works for a Chinese audience. There will be subtle differences. If the show’s main character, David Brent, screws up, a cast member must recite the communist manifesto. If he/she makes a mistake, they are shot and the cost of the bullet will be charged to their family.

According to a recent study done at Cornell University, men are more likely to cheat in relationships where their partner earns more money than them. Oh well, I guess I have some catching up to do.

The study also showed that men whose partners were more dependent on them were also more likely to cheat.

But wait for it.

“If a woman is the main breadwinner in the family, she’s more likely to cheat – it would seem that relationships where women earn more than men really are doomed – and if she depends on her male partner for money, then she is less likely to cheat.”

Hey, I’ve got a whacky concept, why don’t we all just stay faithful to one person. And then, when we get bored, tired or just don’t want to be with them anymore, you dump them. You know, like grown-ups are supposed to behave.

Miss Mexico has just been crowned Miss Universe. No word on whether she’ll get a Green card though. On a side note, surely the most ambitious name we can give this event is Miss Solar System. I mean, until we have several galaxies vying for the top spot, Miss Universe seems a little egotistical. Besides, have any of the pastwinners visited Andromeda or Sirius? I rest my case.

“Take Your Daughter To Work Day” is a good idea. “Take Your Daughter To A Bank Robbery Day”… not so much. Last Thursday, a German woman strolled into a bank in Chemnitz with a bread knife in one hand and her little girl in the other. She demanded several thousand Euros. Naturally she was caught, arraigned, and released on bail. Her child was returned to the father.

Then she tried to rob another bank. I guess she thought the kid was just slowing her down.

Speaking of interesting parents…

And finally… Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Antwun Parker and his friend walk into a pharmacy.

They pull guns and try rob the place.

The pharmacist beats them to the punch and shoots Antwun in the head.

He then gets another gun and puts five more rounds into him.

The punchline?

Antwun’s mom says her son is a hero.

Wait, what?

(Watch the video clip to get the full effect.)

“A coward is someone who will kill someone when they’re done,” said Parker’s mother, Cleta Jennings. “That’s not a hero. The real hero here is Antwun.”

Oh boy.

Now, I could rant about how the pharmacist shouldn’t have gone Rambo on the teen. I could say that perhaps the mom is right and her son was forced into it by someone else. Or, I could say that Mrs. Parker, Antwun’s mom, is a MENTALLY UNSOUND, JACKASS PENGUIN THAT SHOULD REALLY LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF A HERO BEFORE SHE STARTS SQUAWKING HER CHILD’S VIRTUES!!!

Madam, your son pulled a weapon. There were repercussions for HIS choices. Maybe you should’ve taught him that before he got shot. Consequences lady, the rest of the world has accepted them as a part of daily life. Why don’t you join us?

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.