November 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 23th of November 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It’s been a little over a year since I started writing this weekly rant and I’m sad to say that The Opening Monologue has proven, at least to some degree that, that aliens don’t read this rant. If they did, several population groups would no longer exist. I refer to the Asians – mainly Japanese and Thai people – and the Germans. These groups are regular contributors. In fact, if you want to see weird thingsa done on masse, look no further than the original Goths.

But then again, if paranoia is your thing then realise that aliens could just be abducting people so well that you just aren’t noticing.

Sleep well tonight…

So let’s see what our whacky fellow earthlings have been up to this week.

Arizona USA – drivers cruising along a desert highway were jarred out of their driving daze as they passed this sign:

Indeed, it seems to be the real thing. But much to the disappointment of some drivers, there were no zombies. It seems that the infestation was quelled before any civilians could test out their handguns. The local authorities said that there were no zombies to begin with but we all know better. On a strategic note, perhaps the undead should have chosen a state without that many gun toting NRA members.

Better luck next BRAAAAINS!

On the subject of the dearly departed… an enterprising gay couple in Germany have decided to sell specialised coffins aimed at the gay market. Odd fact: they’re a gay couple and they’re undertakers. Love is truly a many splendid thing and their corpse clientele look fabulous. The new coffins – which they’re getting requests for – will be adorned with images of athletic, naked men. Who says you can’t take the porn with you? Now even zombies can have a wank.

“We believe you should be able to have a coffin that lets you embark on your last journey in a way that reflects how you lived your life,” undertaker Thomas Brandl told Reuters last Thursday.

So I’ll be buried in a pizza box adorned with naked women on the inside. Not a damn am I climbing out of my coffin to have a zombie five-knuckle-shuffle.

Across the Pacific, Japanese vending machines are well known across the world for being purveyors of anything from action figures to teen-girl soiled under wear (no really). But now, with the aid of facial recognition software, the vending machines will also suggest what drink you might want. If you’re over 50, perhaps some green tea; a man – a caffeine drink of some kind and a lady, perhaps something the same but slightly sweeter. All suggestions will be based on prevailing market research, the time of day and the temperature. As an added bonus, if an American approaches, a small carry handle pops out the machine with the message: Here! Take it all just don’t bomb us again!,j.jpg

A new study done at the University of Kansas has found that not only is flirting fun but your success at the dating game may have everything to do with knowing own personal “flirting style”.

You don’t want to come on too strong:

Or be too forward:

Or just plain creepy:

If you want to know your style, you can take the quiz right here:

In the meantime, put down the chloroform, step away from the rag and no one gets hurt.

Ukrainian feminine rights group Femen says it will continue its signature protests involving topless women yelling slogans. Ukrainian officials responded by selling tickets to the next protest.

America has begun its slow invasion of Paris. That’s our routine, you thieving sods!, shouted Germany. But no, the US is not invading with troops, its invading with blood suckers.

No not the sparkly kind, the insect kind:

Apparently the American bed bug has begun nomming on French people after some stowed away on a visiting tourist.. The reason for the change of scenery: Even though the French bathe a lot less, they taste way better.

One bug was heard to say, “Wow, 15 victims and not one trace of a happy meal, I’m never going back.”

Protest can take many forms. Some do it topless, others spray fake blood but one man showed his displeasure by blowing away his TV. Steven Cowan couldn’t believe that Bristol Palin – the knocked-up daughter of Republican Nazi Sarah Palin – had twice come in last on “Dancing with the Stars” but was saved by the elderly judging panel because she “showed a lot of heart” and her mom is a gun toting conservative. Cowan was later arrested for “reckless endangerment and use of a deadly weapon”. It’s unlikely that the TV will drop the charges.

To add insanity to insult, Bristol and Jersey Shore douchebag “The Situation” are starring in an ad campaign to promote safe sex. There is no confirmation yet as to whether or not Palin approved the slogan for the campaign.

“Remember to pull out kids so you don’t end up like me.”

A Latvian man has been charged with three counts of dine-and-dash at expensive London restaurants. His total bill was R26000. Nice one brother, if you’re going to do it, go large.

Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin has a new dog:

No not that one. This one.

And he has asked the Russian people to help him come up with a name for the Karakachan Shepherd Dog gifted to him by his Bulgarian counterpart. Considering Putin’s history with the KGB, names you won’t be hearing include Torture, Prison, Poker, Starvation and Darkness as these names are already in use at Guantanamo Bay.

Wayne and Larry Hallquist have just entered the Guiness Book of World Records as the worlds tallest couple. With a combined height of 407.4 centimetres, there is no lightbulb this couple can’t reach. There have been reports that in some areas, laws will be drawn up to stop them from getting front row concert tickets or standing on each others shoulders.

I can’t wait for when they have kids.

“So what do people scream when they see your parents coming?”

All together now… BEHEMOTH!!

Again with the Germans… A court in Germany has blocked a man from tattooing the Rolling Stones mouth and tongue logo on his pony.

They ruled that the tattoo would cause the animal pain without reasonable cause. What? As opposed to all those times you tickled his scrotum with a riding crop for that extra burst of speed?

They also ruled that the tattoo was not to be used as an identification mark. a business registration filed by the owner gave the court reason to believe he wanted to make money with a tattoo service for animals. I wonder if they’d get the rose tattoo or the classic barbed wire around the hooves?

A South African woman has been arrested in Idaho, USA after giving girls breast exams in the change rooms at night clubs and bars. The trouble is, she’s not a doctor. However, she was once a man. Wait… What?

Kristina Brittany Ross – pictured below:

Ross apparently used medical jargon as well as a fake name – Dr Berlyn Aussieahshowna – to help her con along. As a test, try pronouncing that name. Go on.

This proves that girls from Idaho are far too trusting.

The poo hit the fan when the plastic surgeon’s office Miss Ross claimed she worked at, started getting numerous calls for a doctor that did not exist.

And what charge was Miss Ross sought on? Impersonating a medical doctor. So basically the ladies involved are saying, “Feel me up but don’t claim you’re a doctor while you’re doing it. That’s just rude.”

Meet Japan’s newest police dog –×400

All three kilos of her.

This isn’t a scam. Peach the long-haired Chihuahua has just qualified as a police dog. She will be used in earthquake rescue efforts. The theory is that with her small frame, she could scramble into places a normal size dog won’t fit. And soon, we will have Yorkshire Terriers trained to enter terrorist hotspots, trained to seduce any guard dog and get them to reveal the gate codes… what?

It could happen.

And finally… any one that’s stood in line on voting day knows that the democratic process is a lot of things, a turn-on not being one of them.

With that in mind, in Spain’s upcoming elections, the Catalan Socialist Party is trying to win over hearts and loins with this ad:

For those of you on a mobile device, the ad equates casting a vote with having a fab shag and a great orgasm. Well, it’s hardly a different approach. Politicians have always screwed us; however, it’s nice to think one might actually walk away from the experience satisfied, just for once.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.