September 22, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 22nd of September 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

What a wonderful experience it is to welcome back Summer: a season that brings with it all the joys of insects, hayfever, blinding glare, sweating more people juice than you thought a human body could produce, and the eternal search for a comfortable seat with built-in air conditioning.

With such wonders happening every day, it’s no wonder some folks are going bonkers.

It would seem that the world is nuttier than the week before. The kid gloves are off as the cops get one step closer to blowing away suspects, Satan rears his head in a bathroom, the Pope shows he’s still a grumpy pants at heart, the Feds ban a teenager from the US and we have this week’s dumbest burglar. With all that to look forward to, we can ignore the fact that summer is here and the living is sweaty.

South Africa took another step towards becoming an old Western as cabinet passed the Shoot To Kill Bill allowing cops to frag suspects during the course of an arrest. The powers that be have said that the shooting of a suspect solely to carry out an arrest is permitted in very limited circumstances. These include:

  1. The theft and/or driving of a Hyundai. With the word Dai in the title, you’re asking for it.
  2. Attempted intimidation with a BB gun.
  3. Singing De La Rey at a Pirates-Chiefs soccer match.
  4. Being a Metro Police officer on strike.

The list is still under review.

Speaking of crime and criminals, this is would-be burglar, Anthony Gawthrop.

Captain Hoodie over here decided it would be okay to help a mate steal a laptop. All would’ve gone swimmingly had the fine fellow not made one slight miscalculation…. he left his cellphone at the crime scene. The cops identified him with the pictures on it.

So, once again, this is what a dumbass looks like:

Handsome devil yes?

But wait, there’s more: he has three previous convictions for burglary! First he claimed that his phone had been conveniently nicked an hour and a half before the crime. He even smsed his phone saying, “Whoever has got my phone better give it back.”

But the judge is having none of it. Back to jail with you.

Dude, after four strikes, I’d thought you would’ve learned that this is not your game. Try something less taxing… like walking and breathing at the same time.

Staying with English buffoonery, a 17-year old UK teen has gotten himself banned from the US for life after he sent an abusive email to the White House.

Harsh much?

Perhaps. But the problem is, his email was addressed to Barack Obama.

Meet the sender of the inflammatory email – Luke Angel:

Wow. So gay.

Here’s what went down: Luke got drunk, watched a conspiracy theory documentary about the September 11th attacks, got pissed off by the show and decided to tell Obama exactly what he thought of him. Apparently, he thinks he may have called President Obama a prick. Nice one dude.

Thought: Bush was president during 9/11.

Another thought: It’s that easy to get in touch with a world leader?

But the news is not all bad. Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson and Al-Qaeda want to make Luke their Angel. See, a happy ending.

Those of you that thought the seating on Mango was cramped, hold onto your sleeping bottoms. These are the latest in space-saving airline chairs.

This is the new SkyRider:

Well, yeehaw.


These Inquisition-approved wonder chairs are the brainfart of Italian company, Aviointeriors Group. Methinks these prats haven’t ever flown in economy class.

A few of the design features on these babies include all your weight being put on your legs for the duration of your flight and even more passengers crammed into planes.

While the designers say their chair is comfortable, they don’t recommend using it on anything longer than a three-hour flight.

Is that all? Well what the hell was I worried about?

Comfortable, my aching ass!

“For flights anywhere from one to possibly even up to three hours … this would be comfortable seating. The seat … is like a saddle. Cowboys ride eight hours on their horses during the day and still feel comfortable in the saddle.”

Now I reckon you ain’t ever been in a saddle before, have ya boy?

Yeah, sure, if you’re nine it’s comfortable in a saddle. Even a bucket seat is comfy at that age. The problem for some of us is that our buckets are bigger than their seats.

The Pope was on a roll this week, both figuratively and literally, in his faith-in-action armour-plated Pontiff purveyor.

He had a fun time in Britain dodging any issues of actual importance like why paedophile priests are still in the Divine Fiddler Protection Programme.

Instead he focussed on sending one of his Cardinals packing after the red cap called the UK a third-world country. He also alluded that atheism was to blame for the atrocities committed by the Nazis.

All of this while ignoring the slight issue of Pope Benedict having been a Hitler youth, albeit an unenthusiastic one.

Oh well, I guess so.

That whole “The Pope’s infallible” thing means he’s always right. It must come in handy, especially during Trivial Pursuit. Besides, all those speeches Hitler gave describing himself as a Christian, that God was behind the Nazis and that atheism was a cancer of the communists… I guess he was just talking smack on those days.

Some things you’ve just got to take on faith.

And finally… Remodelling the bathroom can be a great bonding experience with your spouse: you choose your tiles, the matching paint, decide on the shower, bath and toilet fittings, all the while cementing the bond between you and you partner.

And then Satan appears in the tiles.


Yup, Old Scratch has decided to appear in the one place he can cause maximum damage – a Hungarian bathroom. Hell yeah! That’ll get the apocalypse started up right quick.

It seems Laszlo Csrefko and his wife, Andrea, blew a bundle getting their bathroom redone. But tragedy struck when Andrea tried out the shower. She stepped out of the steam and vapour and lo and behold, the serpent was in her midst. And not her husband’s either.

She said: “I was naked coming out of the shower and I could suddenly see his eyes staring into me. I just screamed and ran.”

Laszlo added: “We can’t clean it off and it wasn’t there when we put the tiles up. It just appeared overnight and nothing can move it.”

Tried a hammer yet?

“The room is always ice cold no matter how high we turn the heating up and we’ve just stopped using it because it’s too spooky.”

But it does aid in a successful bowl movement.

After getting over the initial shock, the couple decided on a rational course of action: an exorcism to cleanse the bathroom of evil spirits.


Have they considered Mr. Muscle? Or perhaps inviting over some Jehovah’s Witnesses? No one sticks around for long when the door knockers arrive.

Laszlo said: “We need some help from God or from the spirit world or we’re going to seal up the room forever.”

Or the spirit world, huh? Well at least they’re keeping their options open. You never know, The Ghost of Poopies Past could turn up any day now.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.