May 19, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 19th of May 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Every now and then, the noisiest of the noisy err on the side of silence and peace reigns. At least for a while. But then they hit the comeback trail. They hit it so hard, in fact, that it should be filing assault charges at the local cop shop. Yes indeed, the ANC Youth League is back, with a vengeance. With them, is the one, the only Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema. And suffice it to say, this monologue will be a brief chronicle of how these two entities tried to make up for lost time with some of their greatest incoherencies ever.

So let’s swing away.

The ANC Youth League is going to go for military training… and the defence department thinks that’s just dandy. In fact, Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu said she’ll make the arrangements. Oh goodie. The cover story for this one is that they want national service brought back so that they can get the unemployed youth off the streets and learning “skills to equip them for the future.” And what career would that be exactly? Cash-in-transit heists? So, in the fine tradition of Robert A. Heinlein’s Starship Troopers, the ANC Youth League is looking for a few good stooges.

All this merry marching is going to start off in September so that’ll give us all just enough time to think of the possible consequences of giving an emotionally unstable, naive collection of nitwits, knowledge of firearms and the training to use them.

Jacob Zuma sang “Bring me my machinegun.”

DDM’s again changed the lyrics. Julius’ version goes “Bring me my machinegun… oh and a whole bunch for my friends too.”

So now that they’ll be taught to use guns, the next step is education. The ANC Youth League stated that it would wage a “mass political education campaign” against the ANC. This was after the vicious slap on the wrist doled out to Julius Malema. They said that they appreciate that some members of the ANC don’t understand the autonomy of the youth league. They also understand that they may have to build an extra wing on their headquarters to house their collective ego.

But if education is the aim of their game then methinks they misfired with their latest ploy. The ANC Youth league launched their “one boyfriend, one girlfriend” campaign to discourage having multiple sexual partners. It was then that they realised that they had just indirectly damned the president. After removing their collective feet from their mouths, Youth League mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu tried to mend that bridge. And then seemed to do so by hitting it with a stray missile. He said:

“Our campaign is aimed at all cultures and all ages. We are not attacking President Zuma, we believe he is a responsible man. We don’t want to be drawn into a debate where people think we are disrespecting him with our campaign, but it (the campaign) does apply to everyone.”

So basically, you think he’s in the wrong but not really. And remember kids, they said all ages. So all you 2 year-old pram pimp daddies, keep the peace and roll with only one coochie, coochie hoochie mamma.

Moving abroad – finally – to the land of Oz. It used to be that only acid trippers could claim that a large mouse tried to hump them while they were out for a stroll. But female joggers in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia’s Northern Territory have been learning to cover their rears. This is because of an amorous kangaroo that’s been trying to get a bounce over on the local Sheilas. He even slugged a guy that tried to stop him getting some action. Local authorities stated that they wouldn’t be taking any action against the randy macropod unless he continues trouble. They added that pogo stick smuggling isn’t illegal in the Outback.

And finally… It seems people in the US are taking their right to freedom of speech very seriously. A range of Free Speech lawsuits filed in Philadelphia has accused the Pennsylvania State Police of wrongfully charging hundreds of people with disorderly conduct… for swearing. This is after several incidents where motorists hurled abuse at law enforcement lads.

It seems you’ve got to fight for your right to fling invectives at the law. According to the article, a state police spokesperson said the agency had no immediate response to the lawsuits. But that could be because their just a bunch of f******g c**ts!

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.