August 18, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 18th of August 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

In this strange world we live in, you don’t have to go very far to see the ever mounting evidence that some people, some bounding members of the planet, should be culled for our own safety. Now, that is not to say that some of the most manic of the populace aren’t fun to watch. But, one would think that there would be a little more policing of that section of society.That way they wouldn’t gain access to shiny things like knives, guns and public office.

Till that glorious day, I present you with another chronicle in the saga of those I like to call the differently spooky.

The internet has given us many a fine thing. However, it has also given everyone a chance to prove whether or not they’re ready to be removed from the gene pool. Take Matthew Partridge, a 27-year-old resident of Uttoxeter, Staffordshire, UK. He’s decided to walk the length of Britain… virtually via Google Street View.

“I can’t be bothered with all the training, planning and hardships of actually doing the walk. That’s why I’ve come up with this alternative. You can cover 400 yards in about ten seconds.”

This is why you guys lost the football.

However, it gets better. People living in Middle Road, St. Johns, Worcester, UK, freaked when they checked out their neighbourhood on Google Street View and saw this:

An image of what looks like a dead girl, lying dead on the sidewalk. The residents were concerned that Google didn’t report this to the police.

Damn folks, must Google do everything for you? Isn’t it enough that Google already has all the answers to all the questions you have yet to ask? Must they now fight crime too?

It turns out that there was no dead girl, just a nine-year-old playing a prank. What a quaint little prankster. Oh how we laughed. But maybe Google already knew that. Maybe the only email address that girl will ever get, ever, will be

*Insert maniacal Google laughter here*

When the shit hits the fan, bad things happen. But now it seems that when the shit hits the awning, worse things happen. Police in Balgowlah, Sydney are investigating whether an awning, weighted down by bird poop and heavy rains, collapsed on Craig Taylor, killing him. It seems he failed to follow the old saying, “When giant bird of paradise fly over head, wear big hat. I say nothing about awning.”

On to the furries, oh how we love them. Apparently…and in case you didn’t know, Pittsburgh has become furrie mecca having hosted Anthrocon – the largest annual convention for anthropomorphic enthusiasts – for the last five years. I will not judge since I know people that dress in armour and beat each other with foam weapons.

I lied. Sorry.

And now, a Pittsburgh man wants to have his name legally changed from Gary Guy Matthews to Boomer the Dog. Seriously, he has a collar and everything.

One can only imagine what fun will be had if his inner beast takes over.

“No Boomer, don’t chase that car, its Google Street View!”

And now in your traffic report, a man in La Crosse (apparently, not just a sport) Wisconsin, USA, has learned a valuable lesson.

Never lend your car to an escort. They won’t give it back.

As a side note, don’t let anyone calling herself “Candy” a.k.a. Stephanie Hennessy, gain access to your cheques; don’t buy her dog food; loan her $40 or think she’s actually into you during that $80 lap dance.

She’s kinda hot though… in a ho kind of way.

Christopher Compton Jr. is in a spot of bother. He’s in court after a hit-and-run incident. He drove over a 15-year old kid. He claims he didn’t see the kid because it was too dark. Here’s a thought, headlights! Use them!

Here’s what he looks like.

On second thoughts, let’s be thankful he can even operate heavy machinery.

A resident of Hall County, Georgia, was thwarted in his mission of relaxing the entire state when cops pulled him over and found 240 pounds (109kgs) of weed is his car. In an unrelated story, two cars carrying 300 pounds of Cheesy Poofs and donuts were found abandoned outside what would’ve been an awesome party.

New York takes the cake for weirdest traffic stop. A man from Buffalo, New York was pulled over and found to have a live cat marinating in an oil and peppers mixture in his trunk. 51-year-old Gary Korkuc said that Navarro the cat was ill-tempered so he was going to eat him. He also volunteered that the neutered male cat was pregnant. Right… Off to the puzzle factory with you, Gary. That’s no way to eat some pussy!! (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

The Chinese have invented a novel way of stopping people loitering on park benches. Coin-operated benches. If you don’t feed coins into the meter, the bench deploys blunt spikes, just long enough to change the way you sing.

In other news, the homeless are now able to get free ear piercings while they nap.

A 17-year-old Hungarian teenager that was selling her virginity online to stop her mom’s house from being repossessed, has pulled out of the auction. Typical. The reason? The British businessman – that paid $158000 for dibs on the cherry-popping – proposed marriage. Apparently she’s not the marrying kind. Well, logically speaking, she can sell the virginity once, but can sell the remaining product at greatly reduced rates for years to come. But then she’d have to be called Candy.

A man from Bexhill-On-Sea, UK, has found a novel excuse for his binge eating. A chip-packet collection worth $16000. That’s right, Old Simba did good overseas. Some of the packets date back as far as 1984. Wow… that’s cool. CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN HOUSE!!! This is why you don’t get laid! Go marinade a cat or something!!

The creators of the game The Saboteur – a WW2 game where an Irishman does all the work of the French Resistance – may have to rethink their central character’s allegiances. It seems a recently released memoir proves that an Irishman, Michael Keogh, saved Hitler from being beaten to death by an angry mob 20 years before the Blitzkrieg and goose-stepping started.

Nice work, dumbass. Can we find out if his descendants are hiding Bin Laden while we’re at it?

Speaking of fascism, Saudi Arabia’s telecommunications regulator says that it will allow Blackberry messaging services to continue after “positive developments” with Blackberry’s Canadian manufacturers. The poo hit the awning earlier this month when the Saudi’s decided to ban the phones because they couldn’t read any of the messages. Blackberry messaging is encrypted and can only be read if you access to the server. So basically, Canada gets some cheap oil and the Saudis get a server. Great, so glad to see our privacy means so much to the oil peddlers. What’s next Saudis? Google Street View?

According to scientists at the University of Southern California, research has shown that the human brain seems to function less like a corporation – a from-the-top-down system – and more like the internet, with millions of inter-connecting loops running over and around each other. This might explain why girls are better at networking and why boys think of porn so much.

And now on to the WTF news.

A Bronx juror serving on a burglary case faces up to four years in jail after stealing a fellow juror’s credit card and going on a spending spree. D’OH! Irony much?

Everyone was surprised when a 23-year-old man strangled his 50-year-old roommate to death. The fight was over how untidy 50-year-old Dwayne Gun kept their room. So Maurice Thompson (Thompson kills Gun, heh, funny) strangled him to death.

Why should no one be surprised? They live in a home for the mentally ill.

The scary part? The residents get to come and go as they please.

Yay! A puzzle factory without locks.

And finally… Remember the one about how you shouldn’t eat a seed because it’ll grow inside you? Well, guess what, the old folks were half right. Seed: yes; stomach: no. Ron Sveden of Brewster Massachusetts, already suffering from emphysema, was rushed to the hospital after one of his lungs collapsed. X-rays revealed that a pea seed was growing in it.

I’ll leave you with this quote from his wife:

“God has such a sense of humour. It could have been just nothing, but it had to be a pea, and it had to be sprouting,”

Nay, nay lady, methinks Ron needs to learn about the hidden virtues of chewing.

As a parting shot, the first meal he had in the hospital after the surgery, had peas as the vegetable. I guess that’s one way to guarantee repeat business.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.