January 18, 2011

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 18th of January 2011

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Greetings and salutations! It’s been too long. I hope the festive season was kind to you all. I certainly had no difficulty getting into the spirit of good cheer with all those great holiday movies on DStv. You know the ones I mean? Taken with Liam Neeson and Man On Fire with Denzel Washington. Films that carry a simple goodwill message: America – we can’t win the war on terror but we will definitely wipe out those corrupt foreigners.

And as I gazed out over the information landscape, I took heart in the fact that crazy has no season and bad decisions have no Yuletide break. So, with that in mind I look back at the last two weeks and yell: “WTF?!!”

The US Navy is in an uproar. Apparently some of their sailors, including one that is now a captain, filmed some very naughty, not nice video footage that got leaked… so to speak. Excerpts show female sailors pretending to wash one another in a shower on the carrier and in other scenes “sailors parade in drag, use anti-gay slurs, and simulate masturbation and a rectal exam.” I know what you’re thinking, “There are girls in the Navy?”

This completely flies in the face of all things Navy. For as they say on the high seas, “Any port in a storm!”


Small towns have many things going for them including the collapse of the American family, gays getting and serial killers visiting every *insert holiday slaying here*. So in order to keep from going batty, small town Lake Superior State University is keeping alive it’s tradition of releasing its annual list of overused words.

Damn, their students must be so bored.

Remember when the CIA just used to use these places as training/testing grounds? Ah, the good old days.

The top three words on this year’s list are:

  1. Viral.
  2. Epic.
  3. Fail.

When used in a sentence: “If Jacob Zuma went viral, that would be an epic fail for his wives.”

The British continue to prove that they have nothing happening in their country with the headline: “Could the days of the British ‘pint’ be numbered?” It seems that in order to save money, a new booze measurement, “The Schooner” – two-thirds the size of a pint – will soon be available to binge drinkers everywhere.

Elsewhere in the world, starving people in Somalia responded by dying a bit more and hijacking a few more cargo ships.

Not to be outdone, the state of Massachusetts seems poised to pass a law that makes it illegal for you to say no if some crotchety old git dies and leaves you an equally crotchety old animal to care for. Under the law, if someone leaves you a pet in their will with funds for the care of said pet, you can be held liable if you fail to follow the dead prat’s wishes.

So, just for a laugh, find someone you despise and leave them a horny Grizzly bear in your will.


In retaliation, the Fenland District Council, UK, wants to pass legislation that says it’s okay to have an office romance as long as you declare it in writing.

What’s next? Video evidence? Eeeeu. Not everyone was born to filmed man! Think of the emotional scarring.


In a profound step forward, Pennsylvania State Police will now differentiate between ticketing those that swear at bad drivers and those that swear at the cops. Apparently now you can swear at anyone in the traffic, as long as they’re not a pig.


Aaaah, f***! Sorry, constable Piglet. Ah dammit… I did it again. Do you smell bacon? Ah s***!

An African Penguin at a German zoo showed just how far Al-Qaeda brainwashing had advanced when the suicidal fella used wintry weather to take a stroll around the zoo. It ended its trip in the Lion’s Den but since these ones seem as useless as the rugby team, the blighter didn’t get eaten.

Zoo officials couldn’t readily confirm if the African penguin was visiting the lions to chat to a species of its home continent or was simply exhibiting suicidal tendencies.

Mississippi’s Governor has released two sisters – serving life for an $11 armed robbery – on condition that the able bodied sister donates a kidney to her sickly sibling. Thus bringing inbreeding to a whole new level.

Just one extra point. The two sisters robbed two guys at gunpoint in 1993. The lads were driving the ladies to a nightclub. No prior convictions so naturally the state slapped them with two life sentences. Overkill much?

Who the hell were these guys? The only Mississippi men with forking family trees?


Never mind.

The German police have told a circus employee that it’s okay if he takes his tiger for a walk as long as he notifies them first.

Wait… What?

Someone call Goosey Fernandes, I think we just found him a playmate.

Who knew that when the end came they’d start with Buddhist smokers. In Buddhist Bhutan, where smoking is seen as bad for your Karma and is thus banned, officials from the Bhutan Narcotic Control Agency have just been granted the right to search your home for illegal cigarettes. They’re even training sniffer dogs for the task.

Those that think our anti-smoking laws are draconian should think again:

  1. You’re allowed 200 imported cigarettes a month.
  2. You must have the customs receipt with you at all times in case a cop wants to see it.
  3. You can face five years in jail if found in possession of illegal cigarettes.

Bhutan’s prime minister said the law cannot be called draconian and it was passed in the “collective wisdom” of the members of parliament.

“It is cancerous, both in the literal and the metaphoric sense, cancerous to society and to individual and in many ways it is no different from psychotropic drugs, for which the penalty in certain countries is death,” Prime Minister Jigmi Y. Thinley said.

Tell you what, when he gets a real name, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

This is Heidi.


She’s a cross-eyed possum currently residing at the Leipzig zoo.

Her Facebook group has 80 000 fans.

She has a YouTube song dedicated to her.


I think I finally have the answer.

This is why aliens don’t visit us out in the open.

It’s because they’re too embarrassed to be seen publicly with such a monumentally moronic race; a race that will rave about a cross-eyed possum and not give a shit about their fellow man.

And who’s fault is it this time? Those whacky Germans! A group known for its sense of humour. Clearly, it’s time they lost another war.

Staying in Deutschland, two German burglars were arrested after they called in their own crime. It seems they got trapped in an elevator after they broke into a building. They were freed by fire-fighters and promptly arrested. Why not just shoot them? Clearly they’re not any good at their chosen profession.

American is still learning the lesson that SA knows all too well. Never leave your car idling. Two men helped themselves to a new $94 000 BMW 750i xDrive Sedan that was just asking to be rescued outside the Westin Book Cadillac Hotel. It begged for them to free it from ferrying the pampered asses of guests and executives attending the Detroit motor show.

They happily obliged. The two men and the car are still missing.

Has anyone checked if the thieves were South African?

Clearly we need to make a South African sequel to Gone In 60 Seconds.

We’ll call it GONE… FOREVER.

Scientists may have discovered the answer to the deaths of hundreds of birds worldwide. Across the globe, masses of birds have been found dead sparking fears of another bird flu outbreak. The answer was far simpler.

Alcohol poisoning.


The birds, hard-up for food in the winter months, ate grapes that fermented in their gizzards causing such fun in-flight executions as flying into trees, powerlines, homes and planes.

There was also an earlier theory about the birds committing suicide after the unexplained fame of a cross-eyed possum, but that theory has been dismissed.

The Canadians have decided to censor Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” 25 years after the Grammy-Award winning song was released.

The reason: the song uses the word “faggot” in a “sarcastic” way.

This comes on the heels of an uproar sparked when an US scholar published Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn with the word “nigger”removed to make it less offensive to some readers.

Elsewhere in the world starved Somalis continued to drop like flies and decided to hijack Canadian shipping.

Kuala Lumpur and a Malaysian man has dumped his wife because a medium told him she was demon-possessed and casting spells on him. She’d apparently been doing it for the past 15 years. Clearly not a Hogwarts alumni.

Malaysians have a history of relying on faith healers and other purveyors of the bullcrap to get advice on things most people just handle on their own. And they often get taken for a ride. Recently it’s gotten so bad that the government is planning on passing laws requiring mumbo-jumbo merchants to register with the authorities.

In an unrelated story, John Edwards has cancelled his Malaysian tour.

Los Angeles and the city of angels has moved one step closer to the abyss after inventing an iPhone controlled fridge that launches beer at him.

Meet Ryan Rusnak – http://newsliteimgs.s3.amazonaws.com/110113_beer2.jpg

The theory is that the invention stops you having to walk to the fridge to get a beer.

Because, God forbid, the morbidly obese manatee of America suffer a cardiac arrest from traversing the mammoth ten feet to the refrigerator.

If Al-Qaeda has any brains, they’ll start creating explosive beer cans. They could vaporize half the heartland on Superbowl Sunday alone.

And finally… I’m not a huge fan of hunting. I reckon if you want to go traipsing after a kudu it’s only fair that the animal wears Kevlar or, at least has a rifle of its own. But something happened in Belarus, Moscow recently that should give you weekend bushwhackers some pause.

A man was shot and wounded by a fox he’d just shot.


It seems he came over to finish the animal with his rifle butt, the animal resisted, they fought – I’m not kidding – and then the fox pulled the trigger, blasting the would-be woodsman before making its escape.

Proving the old adage that “In Soviet Russia, the fox hunts you.”


This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.