November 17, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 17th of November 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week, freedom of expression seemed to be the watchword. Some people want to curb it, others want to practise it and a select few knuckleheads seem to be abusing it. Whatever the case may be, your opinion is exactly that… yours. And when you’ve said something so inflammatory that people you don’t even know, are flaming you, perhaps you should just stop, think and then think again before crossing the internet super highway.

Let’s have a look at this parade of the especially noisy.

God Save the Queen… to your desktop! Britain’s monarch is now online, on Facebook to be precise. The Queen has her own fan page designed to keep royal watchers – you sad people – abreast of all things royal. Within reason of course. No personal details are available on the site as this has been outsourced to the tabloids.

However it didn’t take long before it became the site of that great internet tradition: the flame-war! Pro and anti royal screechers hurled invectives back and forth while the rest of us carried on with important things like downloading Lolcats, updating our status and generally being unproductive. It’s alleged that the furore was brought to an end with a deploying of the SAS. Unlike Designated Distraction Man a.k.a. Julius Malema, The Queen actually has internet clout.

And now for the important part: How many fans does she have? As of last week, England’s Queen has 60000 fans.

Well, I guess that proves that the capital city of the Empire is owned by foreigners.

Karma’s a bitch ain’t it?

Oh crap, looks like I made her mad.

Canadian authorities are very upset after an old man turned into a Chinese youth on a plane.

“Dammit, we have far too many of them!” cried Canadian immigration officials.

The locals were not amused.

“All he did was visit the bathroom and now he’s young again.” said a fellow passenger, “I tried it on my wife with no results. I am very disappointed.”

To add insult to injury, upon his arrest in Canada the youth asked for asylum. However all is not lost. The Canadian film industry is willing to give him a leg up considering the quality of his special FX and make-up work.

I would give him asylum. He’s not some whiney South African feigning persecution – isn’t that right Mr. Huntley?

We all know from the news and various pointless TV series, that prison is no fun time to be sure. It’s with this in mind that the Russia prison bosses have decided to improve the plight of inmates by installing sunbeds.

You can see the connection there.

Apparently, the Russians have just figured out that a cold, draughty prison with rising damp and crappy medical services can lead to inmates dying.

And it only took the death of a famous lawyer inmate to make them realise this.

It’s not unlike the surprise shown by our own police services when the death of a tourist makes them realise that Gugulethu is a dangerous place.

Well done lads!


Sri Lanka – land of Arthur C. Clarke and no porn. A manhunt is on for a 83 cops that decided to moonlight as pornstars for a little extra loot. Sri Lankan government types have said that that kind of behaviour is simply not on. No one should be having a good time in their country. Some critics have said that this is proof of the coutry’s growing social conservatism. Future plans are in place to change Facebook’s Sri Lankan web interface.

Poke will be replaced with Firm Handshake and all Friends will now be called Close Personal Acquaintances.

The clearest evidence that not all decisions are bad was when the government denied Akon a visa to perform there. Clearly someone knows what crap sounds like.

The eastern Dutch city of Nijmegen – bless you – has a bit of a theft problem. Someone is stealing their bronze statues and melting them down. But they are undeterred. Taking their cue from Telkom and its battle with cable theft, they have decided that to curb the trend they will replace their statues with replicas made from cheaper materials. It looks like the real thing but is not. Kind of like what Telkom does with the phone lines and internet.

Wanted: A few good priests to cast out demons from the possessed. The Catholic Church is advertising for priests who are willing to learn the rite of Exorcism. There is a high demand for Exorcisms in the US as frantic parents try to rid their children of the scourge that is Justin Bieber. And as we all know, nothing scares a kid quite like waking up to a priest squirting holy fluid on them.

Or maybe not…

Garfield’s creator, Jim Davis, has had to apologize for a cartoon that showed that veterans can’t tell the difference between humour and somebody actually mocking them.

This was the evil, foul, unpatriotic, non-flagwaving, veteran-booing cartoon:

I would go on a rant about this, but why? I could explain that the spider is the butt of the joke (not the veterans) because he was stupid to challenge something as big as Garfield. I could also mention that Garfield has a history of whomping spiders and that this was merely a tiny fragment in the saga. I could also point out that after blowing up the enemy or setting fire to a country from the air, a little light humour shouldn’t really offend any soldiers.

But saying it would be pointless… So I won’t.

I will say this to the complaining masses:

It is a rare thing to be truly aware of one’s shortcomings. Knowing your limits is a great step forward towards achieving a zen-like state. So when you know you’re not a good parent it makes perfect sense to sell your baby and buy a car.

Stephanie Bigbee Fleming was to get to $9000 from the sale, BROKERED BY HER GRANDMA!! Oh and Granny was greedy. Fleming was to get $9000 but Granny organised herself a fat $21000 commission. Hoowee, Granny gots the smarts in the family!

How would one even begin to punish someone like this?

Show them this:

And then do this to it:

And now some random news:

Japan has created the world’s first robotic actress that can be programmed to mimic the best qualities of acting and can also take direction perfectly…. Just in time for the relaunch of Egoli.

Japan has learned that the best way to entice people to your country is with boobies. Good show lads. Meet the Tourism Bra:

And finally… has decided to pull a how-to book on paedophilia from it’s ebooks collection… only after people complained.


Were there no pictures?

The book, innocently titled “The Paedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct,” by Philip R. Greaves II, went on sale on October 28 and cost $4.79 to download. Amazon originally touted the whole freedom of expression card before someone in marketing realised what they were saying and removed the title.

Amazon has since been mum on the issue. I guess they’re catching up on their reading.

And what of the author. Oh he’s a self-described manic depressive that writes as a form of therapy. And is his mind “The word ‘paedophile,’ I believe, means somebody who loves children, OK? And you’re not somebody who loves children if you’re raping and murdering and killing them.” He also says, “Anything such as kissing, fondling, that sort of thing I don’t think is that serious of a problem. True paedophiles love children and would never hurt them.”

I can’t imagine why the cops placed Mr. Greaves under protection. Let him explain his stance to an angry mob. It worked for Frankenstein.

Oh wait… Never mind.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.