November 16, 2009

The Opening Monologue – Friday the 13th of November 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.
Edited by The Last Say On Sunday Writing Team.

Good evening.

Stories from far and wide have graced our week and have ranged from the serious to the whiny and complaining. So let’s start there.

On Monday, asylum-seeking Brandon Huntley had his lawyers making a big stink after it was made clear that Huntley’s asylum case would be reviewed. His lawyers stated the review was “based on misguided politically correct notions.” These notions are not to be confused with the evidence originally presented by Brandon Huntley in his asylum appeal which can be likened to the works of Bram Stoker and Raymond E. Feist for its sheer fictitious content.

Civilians are unavoidable collateral damage when the police face off with criminals. This was the summation of a statement made by Deputy Police Minister Fikile Mbalula on Thursday. This was followed by a statement by Jenny Irish-Quobosheane, the public’s representative in the police department in Cape Town on Friday. She stated that the current trend of civilian shootings by the police has been happening for at least three years and not just recently as had been reported in “sensationalist” media reports.

So just so that we’re all clear on this. Media sensationalism is the enemy here and we should all get used to the occasional perforation of a bystander by police-issued live ammunition.

One has to wonder, if the current trend continues, how long it will be before a hijacking victim screams “Please don’t shoot me!” And the hijacker responds, “Do I look like the police?”

It pays to be a security guard in Pietermaritzburg and it pays quite well. Security officials in the local municipality have been claiming overtime like someone is going to take it away from them. In one case a claim of R94000 in overtime was paid. This has led to IFP officials asking whether or not the security operatives are even necessary.
Their argument: If there is a security threat, it wouldn’t come not from opposition parties but from people within the party. I guess it pays to know who’s unstable in your group.

“The (broadcasting) bill is a discussion document. It is (in) its formative stages. Those who do not agree with some of the issues… can come forward and raise those issues”.

And they have. Opposition parties have raised their voices about the proposed new Broadcasting Bill. They feel it will give government too much control over what the public broadcaster allows on air. Communications Minister Siphiwe Nyanda defended the bill by saying that Government was criticised for not intervening when the SABC was in dire straits and is now being criticised again for trying to steer the beleaguered broadcaster. Gentlemen, he’s got a point, you can’t have it both ways. Unless you’re in final mix yourself, you can’t have your broadcaster and air it too.

Learners on Thursday stormed Langa High School disrupting a Matric English Exam and destroying exam papers. This was not because they didn’t like the essay question. The learners – members of the Congress of South African Students (COSAS) – were up in arms over the possible closure of the Lagunya Finishing School. Clearly, finishing their Matric year isn’t high on the agenda either. I’m gonna get me some edumacation, ahyuk!!

What rhymes with drunken racial slurs? Judge Nkola Motata! After he was found guilty of drunk driving, he was sentenced to a fine of R20000 or 1 year in jail. He lost his appeal and now a translation of an audio recording proving that he made racial slurs after crashing his car has surfaced. His comments included:

“All of you, let me tell you, my brothers and sisters – these people should not catch us. Let us live, we are the majority and this is our land.

“It is not the land of the boers, even if they have big bodies. South Africa is ours, we rule it.”

The incoherency continued with:

“I am caught by these boers, I do not care for them. I do not want to talk to them… They must not think they have caught me with something, that will not happen.”

I guess that proves the old saying: “Stupid is as stupid slurs.”

Staying with traffic laws for a moment, Pretoria may soon have a 30km/h to 40km/h speed limit in certain areas to ease traffic flow in the city. The areas affected would include schools, tertiary institutions, taxi ranks, Loftus Versfeld and densely populated residential areas. An existing project is already in place on Sibelius Street in Lukasrand and will be used as an initial case study and trial run. However the trial run or gentle jog turns out, the powers that be must remember that for most drivers across South Africa, the speed limit is seen as more of a speed suggestion.

Onto corruption now and it seems the warders are learning for the criminals as taxpayers fork out R1 million per month for suspended correctional services officials. Some have been suspended for over 2 years where the legal limit is 90 days. At last count 117 freeloaders were awaiting proceedings. And they say crime doesn’t pay. Apparently it pays monthly.

“The business community has lost its sense of ethics.”

Well someone had to say it. This was the statement made by Deputy Finance Minister Nhlanhla Nene at Tuesday night’s Cape Times/KPMG Business Personality of The Year 2009 Awards in Cape Town. His speech touched on anti-competitive behaviour, price fixing and collusion in big business. In his summing up he asked business to have a conscience. The rest of his speech was drowned out by all the laughter.

And finally, there is to be no extension to the tax deadline SARS announced on Wednesday. If you don’t have your filing done by the 20th of November,

They’re coming to take you away Ha Ha
They’re coming to take you away ho ho he he ha ha
to the prison cell where life is hazardous all the time, and you’ll be saddened to see those nice young men in their clean blue caps
and they’re coming to take you away ha haaaa!

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you all next week and remember you haven’t heard it all until you’ve heard the Last Say On Sunday.


Original song lyrics from “They’re Coming To Take Me Away” by LARD.