September 14, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 14th of September 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week may be a slightly angrier Monologue than normal. Over the past week, I’ve seen what cannot be unseen; I’ve read about humans that should’ve been deleted years ago and, more often than not, I’ve encountered the ever present truth that beggars honestly think that I’ll believe their long-winded sob stories about sisters and children that don’t exist and how R2 or a sandwich can fix what ails them.

It seems the smart ones among us usually aren’t homeless. Take heart in that.

For these and many other reasons, I’d like to ask the internet as a whole the following question:


Allow me to explain…

We can all remember when the credit crunch came along and, ever so gently, booted us in our collective squidgy bits. On the upside, it seems that being frugal is now very fashionable. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for those a**holes at the home shopping networks to catch on.

They’ve put a spin on it and right away have tried to turn frugality into cash. People are again spending money on cash saving items which is kind of like f***ing for virginity.

Here’s a thought. Before you buy the wonderful, shiny, oh-that’s-such-a-pretty gadget, ask yourself: “Am I about to be boned by the liars again and do I really need this item?”

One device that springs to mind beeps when your milk is going to go off. For $10 less, you could simply have CHECKED THE DAMN EXPIRY DATE YOU LAZY SHIT!

Speaking of gadgetry, a new headset called the XWave may make mind control a reality. At least on your iPod. Apparently the device rests on your forehead, picking up the electrical signals that change along with your thoughts. If it works, it’ll be a boon for quadriplegics and the like.

But let’s face it, we all know it’ll be fat f***s at home that’ll be using it to change the channel, use their RC truck to get beer and using it mentally dial the pizza den to order even more take-out.

And all that without even having to move an engorged limb.

On the upside, it means the morbidly obese will be dead sooner and they can stop being a burden on the Earth’s axis.

Yay, a happy ending.

Note: If you found that last bit offensive, go for a jog, tubbo.

Chris Van Niekerk, the guy that played Francois on 7de Laan, has proven that the drugs do work. He was busted at Bloemfontein Airport with a dastardly amount of weed: A whole 0,015g of weed, a whole R100 worth. Conveniently, that’s what they fined him. He paid the fine and he still made his flight.

Wow, R100 worth of weed. Book him skippy! He’s carrying enough weed to give a toddler the munchies… almost.

Isn’t it great to know that even in Bloemfontein, your taxes are being spent to harass people that, if they were high could threaten nothing except a buffet?

When asked why he had the weed, he said his doctor prescribed it to him for pain management. Now I thought he was taking it to deal with the trauma of doing 7de Laan. It seems that Mr. Van Niekerk has broken his neck… twice. Dude, a gun is so much quicker.

Meet the ReD Foxes.

They’re a dance team. They’ve been banned from performing at the FIBA basketball championships where Muslim teams are playing, this year.

Why? Their onstage dresses have been claimed to be too provocative by the audience.

I don’t know about you guys but there’s a reason I hate test audiences. No one will ever choose what porn I ponder.

A man broke into a house in Redhill, Surrey in the early hours of the morning to steal bacon.


That’s right; he stole a pack of bacon. That’s all… just bacon. However, just to make things weird, he left one rasher of pig flesh on the door knob of the front door as he left.

Why leave the rasher? Because when the munchies hit, sharing is caring.

Remember kids, when burglars get stoned, lock up your fridges.

Students at The University of Baltimore can now enjoy studying the undead. Arnold Bloomberg, author of “Zombiemania” will be teaching the course. The course is said to be must for anyone joining Parliament.

The Romanian Government has decided that it won’t be taxing witches and fortune tellers. If passed, the law would have required all soothsayers to provide receipts and would have held them liable for false predictions.

No protests were given when the law was originally drafted. I guess the ladies foresaw this one coming.

A study done in Europe has found out what dance moves are more likely to attract the ladies. Apparently, men who move their necks and trunks more to the beat are most likely to attract women.

Of course they will. Let’s just hope that their laughing doesn’t drown out the music.

“A good dancer displays larger and more variable movements in relation to bending and twisting movements of their head/neck and torso, and faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee.” Said the researchers.

Well, hell boys, well done. You’ve successfully mapped out a fit.

Speaking of fancy footwork, The Aussies have been told to respect the Hakka and not to approach the Kiwis while it’s being performed, lest they wish to be fined.

This proves my theory that rugby is becoming a little effeminate. The Hakka is a dance of aggression, but don’t come near us while we’re performing or we’ll scratch your eyes out, you scare us you big brutes!

And finally… some fishermen practice catch-and-release. Others, however, seem to be practicing catch, drag it to shore and man the harpoons.

It took Raphael Biagini ten minutes to reel in the monster on his line. When he finally caught it, he met this:

That is a goldfish. A genuine, 30lb, no-bowl-ever-made-is-big-enough-for-this-mutant goldfish. Has anyone checked the factory effluent flowing into this lake?

After taking a few photos with the orange behemoth, Biagini released the beast back into the water, much to the annoyance of fellow fisherman.

Apparently, Biagini caught the monster koi carp just after being told by fellow anglers that for years, they’d been trying to catch the legendary “giant goldfish.”

Proving once again that a younger man will always have better luck catching something fishy.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.