October 13, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 5th of October 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

And the beat goes on… it seems that the insanity train stopped on every continent this week. Every corner is covered in the nuttiness of a world happily in touch with its eccentricity. It is thus, in this spirit, that I give you another chapter in The Chronicles of Nutterville a.k.a. Earth.

We begin our tale here at home. Police raided a farm in Nelspruit and found 17000 rounds of ammunition – most of it R4 assault rifle type – allegedly stolen from Hoedspruit air force base.

And now the fun facts:

The farm is called Jaglus – which can creatively be translated as Hunting Lust. As is often the case, the clue is in the title.

The suspect is a former air force flight instructor, turned mercenary. And not in that “deeply philosophical, The Expendables” kind of way either.

There is a second safe that the cops haven’t opened yet… I’m guessing that’s where he has hidden his collapsible fort and fold out bazooka.

Moral of the story:

Whenever one decides to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse, remember that there will always be those that misunderstand your preparations. Let them scoff. When the horde comes, you’ll have the last nom, nom!

A man in the UK has been ordered to snip his phallus or face a stiff fine. I’ll let you decide.


It seems not everyone in Haddenham likes to see Ian Ashemeade’s well trimmed bush. He claims that it was just naturally growing in that shape so he helped it along. I’ll bet you did oh horny hat wearer. As a side note, he is also the World Pea Shooting Champion. No really. He won the title at the World Pea Shooting Championships held in Witcham this past summer. Well ladies, he’s single, shoots his pea far and can really trim a bush.

How is he single?

Staying in Britain… do you want to catch criminals and be rewarded for doing it, and all that from the comfort of your pc? Hell yes! Well, this is the latest in a series of attempts at getting lethargic dole earners to make themselves useful. For a small fee, Internet Eyes will give you access to CCTV footage streaming in live from various UK department stores. The idea is that with so many cameras, they need people to watch them. And if you catch someone doing something illegal, you hit your handy, dandy alert button and the store security monkeys pounce.

Depending on the criminal hooked, you could get up to £1000. I don’t see how this could be abused, do you?

Now we needn’t worry about freedoms being infringed upon. The company says they’ll screen everyone that applies so as to weed out the voyeurs. Yeah, right. Then how did I get these?



Where is your privacy law poopy now?!!

Rock band Weezer has been offered $10 million to leave, be gone and, in general, to sod off… by their fans. A group of frustrated former fans have clasped handies and asked the Music Gods to please let the band err on the side of greed and release themselves from making disappointing music.

“This is an abusive relationship,” the project’s creator said. “It needs to [end].”

“I’m tired of it,” James Burns explained to Seattle’s the Stranger. “Every year, Rivers Cuomo swears that he’s changed, and that [Weezer’s] new album is the best thing that he’s done since Pinkerton, and what happens? Another pile of crap like Beverly Hills or I’m Your Daddy. I beg you, Weezer,” he said. “Take our money and disappear.”

The bands response?

The band’s drummer, Patrick Wilson, commented on Twitter: “If they can make it 20[million dollars],” he wrote, “We’ll do the ‘deluxe breakup.'”

Well, here’s the site if you want to help out.


So far they’ve raised a whopping $273. Failing the bribe, there’s always this:


It finally happened. The most irritating song on the most irritating ride has killed someone. A cleaner working at Disneyland, Paris, was cleaning the It’s A Small World After All ride when he inexplicably slipped, fell under a boat and got trapped.

I have been on this ride. It’s the happiest in the world. It shines. It sings. It sparkles. Everyone is happy. Pure evil.

This is what the ride is like. You be the judge of what the measure of true evil is.


The Horror…

Meanwhile in Germany… It’s not bad enough that the catholic church has a nasty reputation of playing “Pin The Charge On The Bishop”, now it seems a Catholic aid society (legal aid I’m guessing) has decided to cancel Santa Claus.

Now before we go burning effigies and freaking out like certain unmentionable fundamentalists, here’s their reasoning.

Santa Claus is “an invention of the advertising industry designed to boost sales” and as “a representative of consumer society” who has little to do with the historical figure of St Nicolas.

Wait, wasn’t this fight already done on South Park? Oh no, wait, that was Santa Vs. Jesus. My bad. Please continue.

Their website describes Nicolas, the patron saint of children, as “a helper in need who reminds us to be kind, to think of our neighbours, and to give the gift of happiness.”

Oh well, I guess since they booted St. Christopher, the Catholic church needs a new kiddie mascot protector person.

“Unlike Santa Claus, Nicolas wants to give children inner riches and not just encourage them to strive for material wealth,” German TV presenter Nina Ruege was quoted saying.

So you’re saying that you want kids to give up their presents… Good luck with that. Realise that you’ll be condemning parents worldwide to this.


I do like the message at the end. A more apt one would be, “All he Wanted Was A Blowjob.”

Onward to the Pacific Rim – not a porno – where the government of The Philippines is about to join the Draconian Laws bandwagon.

Ever wondered why patriotism is a good idea? That’s because it isn’t. And in The Philippines, they’re just one vote away from charging you for fowling up their national anthem.

The idea is to build patriotism through bullcrap laws and intimidation.

“Our Congress has given more teeth to government’s campaign to invigorate patriotism, respect and love of country by singing our anthem properly,” Representative Salvador Escudero, the bill’s principal author, told reporters.

In reality, he’s upset that Filipino artists and singers had been changing the anthem’s military march melody and beat, and that the flag had been made into shirts and short pants.

There you have it, the government must never cover your ass, it’s the law.

C’mon! The Philippines is karaoke country. How dare you make them all sing alike?

If the Senate passes the law, violators face up to two years in jail and a fine of 100,000 pesos ($2,280).

MacArthur should’ve left you for the Japanese. Try not to trip as you practice your goose-stepping there lads.

And now on to The Commonwealth Games where it seems that even the losers are winners. The drains at the Games Village are a little clogged… with thousands of used condoms.

Well, that’s one way to keep your spirits up when your medal tally is down. Swing that tallywhacker and go for the gold… or pink as the case may be!

Speaking of tallywhackers, a Sydney woman has decided to lay claim to her cheating husband’s chuloga in the most logical fashion – immolation.

Her justification: she suspected he was having an affair and so, burned his nether regions to “purify his penis”.

Rajini Narayan, 46, has pleaded not guilty to murdering her husband and causing the fire that burned down their Aus $980 000 home.

Satish Narayan died in hospital from his injuries several weeks after being allegedly doused with methylated spirits and set alight.

“He was my hero, the man of my life, the love of my life,” the mother-of-three told the court. “I was going to purify his penis, leave a mark there and he would remain with me. He would be mine.”

She also told the neighbours: “I’m a jealous wife; his penis should belong to me. I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no-one else.”

One other point to ponder: She only SUSPECTED he was cheating. But I guess a woman just knows… where the matches are.

Hello everyone. I’m Rajini, the Queen of Coo-Coo Land!!

Sao Paulo, Brazil. Voters there have made it abundantly clear how much they trust government… they just elected a clown. No, not a clown:


I mean a clown-clown:


And he won.

He tried something that is rarely attempted in politics: he told the truth.

Tiririca caught the attention of voters by asking for their support with the slogan: “It can’t get any worse” and a promise to do nothing more in Congress than report back to them on how politicians spend their time.

“What does a congressman do? The truth is I don’t know, but vote for me and I’ll tell you.”

There was a late mad dash by prosecutors to get him barred from running on allegations that he’s illiterate but really now lads, when has literacy ever been important in government? It didn’t seem to matter when the US Congress passed The Patriot Act.

He joins a proud tradition clowning politicians along with the likes of the US, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, North Korea and South Africa.

The difference is that he has the decency to wear the suit.

And now… America!

In the land of the free it seems you can express your opinion in any way you choose, even with a gun. A Memphis man was so enraged when some teenagers wouldn’t pull their pants up that he popped a cap in their exposed asses.

Kenneth E. Bonds approached the lads, berating them for their hip-huggers (that always wins a teen over) and when they refused to pull up their knee warmers, an argument began. Naturally, the best thing to do in a crisis is to resolve it quickly. So he took out a gun. They, surprisingly, ran away. He fired a few shots. He hit one of them in the ass. Mr. Bonds is now facing aggravated assault charges. Aggravated? What did he do? Pull their pants up after shooting them?

Texas is soon to be a hog free zone. I don’t mean the midlife crisis mobile on sees around Sandton. I mean wild hogs.


Looks like a fair fight to me.


Yeah, right. Sure you shot that on your own.

The reason the authorities have declared the Feral Hog enemy #1 is because “feral hogs a costly nuisance to agricultural operations and wildlife habitats, but they are increasingly finding their way into urban areas and destroying residents’ yards, public parks and golf courses.”

Well of course, the golf courses must be protected. And the lawns too.

Just one thing I’d like to mention lads… THE HOGS WERE THERE FIRST!!!

But hey, that didn’t stop their forefathers when they butchered the Comanche either. The motto for this quaint little hunt is “Hog Out Month – Get the Hog Outta Texas!”

Well yeehaw!

So that begs the question, when do we start hunting these hogs?


Ever been pulled over by the cops? Ever had them search your car and find drugs? Well, at that point, the answer is usually “It’s not mine officer”.

A man in Florida was pulled over and searched after cops smelled weed emanating from his car. They searched and found 27 crack rocks and a baggie of weed in between the cheeks of his ass. His prompt response: “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.”

Well then that’s okay. Some people hire drug mules. This guy must be the world’s first drug elephant.

And finally… I’m sure anyone of us has reached for something in the dark, thinking its one thing but finding another. Well, that doesn’t excuse this woman from Glendale, Arizona. 70-year old Irmagard Holm reached for the eye-drops one fine day… and managed to superglue her eyes shut.

“The second I put a drop in my left eye I realized it was super glue,” she said. No really?!

I have a question:

What the hell are eye-drops and super glue doing in the same room, let aone on the same table?

Perhaps her kids could glue their hands to their faces as an eternal reminder of this epic fail.

Let Irma tell you in her own words:


This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.