April 13, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 13th of April 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week saw the burial of an old man; the continued attempt of a youth leader to bury himself; and positive steps being taken by the world powers to limit the likelihood of planetary immolation through atomic fire. Bad news for arms dealers, great news for us.

With all this merriment afoot, let’s lock and load!

This past week saw Eugene Terre’Blanche laid to rest on his farm in Ventersdorp, quietly and without incident. All this, much to the relief of most South Africans.

And then as though to make up for the lull and much to the joy of the doomsayers, certain unsavoury evidence in the Terre’Blanche murder investigation came to light. Evidence that could prove his death was more a lover’s quarrel than a simple killing. The defence will be claiming that there was a sexual relationship between Eugene and the 16-year-old unnamed defendant.

So the lawyers are going to argue that ET was a little gay? Okay. And where might you be moving to if you prove this?

In the meantime, there is a succession argument raging within the AWB. They don’t know who to elect. Among the current hopefuls is J. Edgar Hoover and Liberace or anyone else that likes khaki uniforms, long horseback rides and sudden dismounts.

While that argument was raging, Designated Distraction Man (DDM) a.k.a. Julius Malema continued production for his new reality T.V. show entitled “What Must I Do To Get Fired?”. As it stands, he’s defied court orders, ignored The ANC and president JZ, annoyed foreign political parties, sworn at foreign journalists and ejected sections of his own youth league for not doing as he says.

Ah yes, you can’t see the fires but you can certainly smell his agenda from here.

All of this culminated in our president finally rousing from slumber to drop a ton of poo on DDM’s head. He bellowed unto him, “Julius, shut your great big pudding muncher!! You’re embarrassing all of us!! Every time you speak the country’s IQ drops a few points!!” Pundits would argue that I’m paraphrasing; I regard it as a gentle summation of the facts.

DDM’s shining moment came when he called a BBC reporter “a bastard” and an “agent”. This was due to him daring to point out the irony of Malema’s criticizing of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) for speaking out against his visit to Zimbabwe from its offices in Sandton. Ironic since Malema himself lives there. Silly reporter rabbit.

On a side note Julius, perhaps the reason the MDC criticized you from Sandton is because if they were to do it from Harare they could catch their death so to speak. But what do I know? I just read and stuff.

Ah Julius… Never has someone hit bottom so hard, so frequently and without fail, and then simply dusted himself off, taken his shovel-mouth and continued digging. DDM, we salute you!

However, it seems that once again Designated Distraction Man did his job. This time with Eskom and Jackie Selebi.

How many of you noticed that Eskom just put the country deeper in debt by getting a $3.75 billion loan from The World Bank? Not many I think. Interestingly, not a word was said on whether or not our rates will come down with this rather massive cash injection. That would just be silly. In any case, with the ANC about to make about R1 billion out of its stake in Hitachi, there’ll be plenty of cash of for everyone… Psyche!

In the meantime Jackie Selebi has been using this momentary diversion to get his legal team to make a move to dismiss charges against him. The defence team claims the state never proved there was a corrupt relationship between Glen Agliotti and Jackie. They have a point. I mean, the last time I saw a cop and a drug dealer being friends it was totally above board and nothing was out of the ordinary. It was in Chicago during Prohibition. See? It’s all good. Where’s Eliot Ness when you need him?

Meanwhile, across the sea and many miles away, Russia and the US have signed the new S.T.A.R.T. – Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty – accord – a landmark treaty limiting the number of stockpiled nuclear weapons either side can have to 1550. This treaty would have been signed during the Bush administration but let’s be honest, he couldn’t pronounce the names of his own weapons hence the long wait. Need I remind you of the nuclear/nucalar argument? This treaty is exactly what it says it is: a start. Both sides still have enough missiles to vaporise the planet ten times over. I know you’ll all sleep better for knowing that. It also seems that India and Pakistan can have all the nukes they want. They must be pissed off. All that stock and no one to buy wait. Oh wait, no worries, I hear that Iran will soon be having a blow-out sale with Israel. Everything must go!

And finally… much weirdness has been a foot worldwide.

A survey of 23,000 adults in 22 countries by market research company Ipsos showed that screaming and abusive parents at their kids sporting events don’t just happen in movies. Apparently American parents lead the field on The Obnoxious Behaviour Index.

“People living in the United States (60 percent) were most likely to witness unsavoury behaviour by a parent followed closely by residents of India (59 percent), Italy (55 percent), Argentina (54 percent), Canada (53 percent) and Australia (50 percent).”

Americans huh? Who’da thunk it? But what about all that freedom of speech stuff? Ah, blow it out your a** ref!!

Another recent poll shows only 20% of people on earth think there aliens among us. The other 80%… must be aliens. So look around you. If there are 5 of you in the room and you know you’re human, beware, for there just might be an anal probing in your future. Or a visit from DDM, whichever comes first.

However, this story gets my vote. A German woman was arrested upon her arrival at Liverpool Airport for attempting to wheel her dead husband through customs. Apparently she hadn’t noticed he was dead and claimed he was still alive just before the flight.

“I’m not a smuggler,” Jarant, 66, told Bild. “My Willi only died at the airport. He suddenly looked so lifeless, like a wax figure. His fingernails turned blue all of a sudden. At home he was still warm — I swear!”

“I want to have Willi cremated and then fly home to Berlin with his ashes,” Jarant said. They live in Berlin but spent several months each year in England with her daughter, she said.

Remember kids, if you laugh, you’re going to hell.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.