May 11, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 11th of May 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The winds of incoherency, naivety and double talk were blowing long and hard from the maws of many a twit this week. It seems that sometimes the ash-launching, sky-darkening gusts billowing forth from Icelandic volcanoes pale in comparison to the utterances of those referred to worldwide as “our leaders.” Then there were the brainstorms of people whose thoughts are so scary that we hope that they don’t breed.

All this and more waits for you in the lines below so let’s kick off with some local news.

Newly elected Gauteng ANC chairperson Paul Mashatile broke a new record this week in taking only a few moments to contradict himself. He stated that the ANC was the centre of power in the country.

“Our position is that there is only one centre… the ANC,”

He then followed it up with:

“Government is not a centre; government is a place where people are deployed to do ANC work.”

There you have it folks, the ANC is the centre of power but since the government has no centre, it is merely a depot of sorts. Which then begs the question: Who the hell’s driving the bus?

This does explain one thing. We now know why government buildings don’t look like a donut. Because the government is not a centre, nor does it have a creamy coating or a chocolate filling. It runs on gravy.

Julius Malema was honoured last week. He was listed in Time Magazine’s Least Influential People of 2010.

The magazine said: “Malema is just like Joe Biden – if instead of innocuous, silly slipups, Biden delivered violent, racist, misogynist rants. It got so bad, he’s been censured by his party and convicted of hate speech. So he just said violent things about the party.”

Yup, that’s our guy alright, the one and only Designated Distraction Man. And he’s in good company. Others included in the list are Russian president Dmitry Medvedev; Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray; Oprah Winfrey’s fiancé Stedman Graham; Balloon Boy’s mother, Mayumi Heene; and the president of the US Metric Association, Lorelle Young.

But when the ANC Youth League started barking, it wasn’t about that. They were shocked at the ANC’s confirmation in the media of a disciplinary hearing for DDM.

This is because the ANC previously said that “issues of discipline in the ANC belongs to structures of the ANC and are therefore not matters of the public or the media.”

ANCYL mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu was heard to cry, “It is quite apparent that there is a certain level of inconsistency and non-compliance with ANC officials’ directives and statements.”

Now take a picture folks because it is a very rare occasion when one gets to bear witness to an over-statement of a fact that is so painfully obvious to the rest of us. The ruling party said one and then did another? You’re kidding! Say it ain’t so.

Well, allow me to make the introductions.

Floyd Shivambu? This is Reality. Reality? This is Floyd Shivambu. I know you’ve never met but I’m sure you’ll get on famously.

On the court circuit, it seems the next round of “Who Wants To Be the Dishonest Guy?” got off to a flying start as the State prosecutor in the Jackie Selebi corruption trial was accused of siphoning off funds for informants. Prosecutor Gerrie Nel denied the claim stating that the reason the witness was testifying was simply to smear his reputation. While all this was going on, Jackie Selebi sat back quietly thinking “And you’re prosecuting me? Hello pot, I’m kettle.”

On Tuesday, the spokesperson for Police Commissioner General Bheki Cele stated that a media report in The Sowetan stating that 10 000 police officers were serving time in jail was untrue.

Oh good. *Whew*, he was misquoted. You had me worried there.

Yes. The truth is that only 1000 police officers are serving time in our jails.

Ah. I feel so much better.

But of the cops not in jail, some of them actually do their job. This was proven when police broke up a plot by white supremacists to plant and detonate bombs in townships. Well done gentlemen. But soon after, the double talk started.

Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa said that the extremists were not a threat to the state and would not disrupt the 2010 Soccer world Cup.

Oh, oh, I have a question.

Not to nitpick but, if they weren’t a threat, why did you arrest them? Did they have that look about them? That look that says, “Send me to the holding cells, I need a severe botty plundering.”?

Moving abroad…

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!! At least that’s what it felt like at the Colosseum in Rome on Sunday morning. The structure decided to shed some poundage by shrugging off enough stone to cover a square metre. Italian authorities sprang into action saying, “Eh, is alright, nobody got whacked.”

Tourist visits have continued as normal with the occasional shouts of, “Duck!!”

May I suggest, just to be on the safe side, the issuing of hardhats to all visitors? On the upside, they’ll feel safer and those tourists coming to SA for the World Cup can save a few Rand and make their own fold-out cutaway headgear.

Elsewhere in Italy: Well, it was bound to happen. In response to the every widening circle of child abuse charges plaguing the Catholic Church, Italy just hosted its first divorce fair. Even the faithful are opting to be just good friends rather than run the risk of a tryst in the confessional. Experts say that for paedophile priests and troubled marriages, this has been a long time coming, so to speak.

France has decided to return the tattooed, mummified heads of Maori warriors to New Zealand centuries after they were brought to Europe. When asked why they were taken in the first place, an unnamed source said that the French wanted to be sure that New Zealand would never invade and so, took a few dozen hostages. When asked why they feared invasion from New Zealand, the French stated that after two world wars, they weren’t taking any chances.

Hamas changed its tack this week, throwing its toys instead of suicide bombers. They’re very upset that, after having written to President Barack Obama twice, he hasn’t written back. Lads, it was just one night, let it go, he’s never going to call.

The War on Pork struck another blow this past week as scientists in the mostly Muslim nation of Kazakhstan came up with a test that will instantly detect the presence of pork in meat.

From the nation that spawned Borat, comes new Pork Detection!! What’s next? The Better Battle Burka?!

And finally… The Japanese can keep on eating dolphin despite the risk of mercury poisoning. That’s not a typo, they actually eat dolphin. And whale. And after a series of tests run by the National Institute for Minamata Disease, the villagers of Taiji have been given the all clear to nosh away on our friend Flipper. This has raised the ire of Greenpeace who were hoping that the threat of death would get the omnivorous islanders to stop eating man’s favourite Seaworld attraction.

It seems the islanders have a few flipper tricks of their own.

“Jump into the frying pan Flipper. *SIZZLE* Good dolphin! Or more accurately, “移動は、フライ パンにフリッパーパン。 *シズルは!*グッドイルカ !”

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.