November 10, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 10th of November 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It’s been one of those weeks.

Jesus said, “Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me.”

Well it would seem that some folks are not only keen to send kids to Jesus, they’re booking the tickets. Yes indeed, they’re taking that to heart… and teeth and the courts too. When I was a child, I could remember wanting to be a grown-up because then things would be cool. You’d have to be blind not to notice that children are growing up faster, sooner. And now, it seems that some grown-ups in authority – people that clearly never got to play with any Nintendo – have decided that regardless of your age, you’re in the poo.

So let’s see what the unelected depression-mongers have up their cloaks for us this week.

Since 1994 The Stella Awards have existed.

Given annually to people that sue for frivolous reasons, it remains the best list of people that should be eaten come the revolution. The awards are named after Stella Liebeck who sued McDonald’s and was awarded $480,000 in damages. Why did she sue? She spilled some of their hot coffee onto her lap, burning herself. Apparently, it was McDonald’s fault that the coffee was hot and that it burned her. Being a clumsy, old bint however is still legal in the US.

However, it seems that the courts are finally passing a judgement that flies in the face of the litigation nation.

A Manhattan woman has been denied the chance of milking Starbucks of $3 million after spilling tea on herself. Well, there’s the problem right there. What the hell are you thinking, ordering tea in a coffee house? There are consequences to that kind of stupidity. The court found that since the tea was double-cupped, the clue was in the packaging. If it wasn’t double-cupped, the tea would’ve been of the cold variety. As a side note the court also found that since the plaintiff was 76 years old, she’s known that tea was hot since at least 1925!


Elsewhere in the court system, a judge has just proven that a douchebag with power is still a douchebag. It seems that two girls were riding their bicycles one day when they accidentally rode into an 87 year old lady. She needed hip replacement surgery and later died in hospital. The judge has ruled that despite their age, they can still be sued.

The girls were four at the time. They’re now six-years old!! Damn dude, somebody give him a bike ride before he has them executed for jay-walking!

But the attack on the kiddies doesn’t end there. Whatever your opinion of Halloween is, you have to admit it is fun watching kids run around, buzzing on a sugar high and knowing that they aren’t yours to deal with. Halloween is like a candy-coated Christmas where you know what the presents are and that there’ll be a lot.

So what would you do if some twit decided that it was time to give all your surplus sweets to a good cause?

*flips the bird*

My thoughts exactly. Like bad villains in an episode of Captain Planet, two dentists have started a post-Halloween service. They’ll pay you $1 a pound to send your candy away from you.

Where is the candy going?

To boost the morale of US troops stationed in the Middle East.

Guys, when the Marines said they wanted you to send candy, they meant this one.

However, that is not to say there aren’t some bad eggs in the basket. A 15-month old baby has been saved from certain death by a cafe awning. She was playing, unsupervised, with her four year old sister when she fell out a window and did a 7 storey free-fall before being saved by the cloth.

The police said that it is hard to ascertain what happened because the girls are so young.

What’s so hard to understand?

Methinks big sister was just removing some competition.

But the assault on all things kiddie still isn’t over. The San Francisco Board of Supervisor’s has passed a law stating that you can’t sell toys with Happy Meals any more. Not unless the meals meet certain dietary requirements.

Well done lads, you’ve just created – The Unhappy Meal!×487.jpg

They might have a point but don’t they see what they’re about to unleash on parents? Without the toy, how will parents bribe their children into five measly minutes of silence? I reckon that instead of a toy for the kid, The Unhappy Meal should just come with a sedative.

Silence, it’s what you really want isn’t it?

Or at least a LOL or two.

So… you work in a crappy take-out place, trying to scrape enough cash to finance some *insert fantasy here* and even though the hours suck and you smell like a pizza all day, fat girls seem to like you, so it’s cool. So what would you do if you found out that the random service jockey was earning more than you an hour?

Not a lot more, just something like 2500 times more than you!!

You might have a slight melt down, yes? The kind that’s fuelled by PCP, Jack Daniels and an assault rifle.

Well, Domino’s Pizza Japan has decided to celebrate its 25th Anniversary by offering this prize to some random citizen. You’ll work at Domino’s Pizza Japan, for one hour and be paid $31030. All this while all the other employees around you are earning $12.41 an hour. Well guys… I could be wrong but I don’t think old Chan over there is going to have much help from the other staff. In fact, you may find only this:

Staff at Breckland Council in the eastern English county of Norfolk are experiencing a new level of nanny state. Basically, if you want to smoke, you’ll be doing it on your own time. That’s right, if you go for a smoke break, you will clock out of the building and then clock back in when you’re done. And I doubt it’ll stop there. Soon fatties will be clocking out for a snack and the pervs will be clocking out for some hand jive. Ah, the first world, my, what freedoms you enjoy.

And finally… Just when you thought J.K. Rowling couldn’t cause anymore damage, her followers go and mess with Mother Nature. It seems these dimwits are having trouble distinguishing reality from a premise stolen from Orsen Scott Card. The fans of Harry Potter are decimating the owl population of India. Yup, these twits are stealing owls, not just the kids, it’s their parents that are presenting their addle-brained children with LIVE OWLS!

Dammit people, we’re back to the happy meal argument. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Why do the animals have to suffer when little Pravesh gets a मधुमक्खी in his टोपी?

Parents, as a favour to me, learn how to say NO!!

Or opt for the best approach:

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.