December 7, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 7th of December 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

After a year of writing these chronicles of insanity, I have come to one irrefutable conclusion: the Germans are the strangest people on Earth. As I’ve done the research for the various tales I spin, I have found, with monotonous regularity, that at least twice a week, there are stories of odd German activity. It would seem, at least to me, that the last war took all the rage out of the German people. That rage seems to have been replaced with a kind of oddly playful insanity. As to the rest of the world, you have some serious catching up to do.

It is with this in mind that we lead off with a non-jerry nutter.

Oh how the WikiLeaks just a keep on dripping out. In the latest revelation, it seems that Libya’s own prized, uniform-designing- megalomaniacal ass-hat Muammar Gaddafi nearly caused an international incident when he threw a hissy fit. Meet Mo.

The problem was said hissy fit involved nuclear fuel – the kind Iran claims they don’t have. He refused to hand over materials designated to be destroyed in accordance with a disarming treaty that HE HAD ALREADY SIGNED! So, a veritable smorgasbord of terrorist boomdiyadah waited in a hanger in Libya for a month till Hillary Clinton stroked Mo’s ego enough to have him release the bang-boom gear for disposal.

And why did Mo throw a tantrum? He felt insulted when the UN wouldn’t let him pitch his Bedouin tent in New York. The State Department claimed they were only considering Mo’s safety. They didn’t want him erecting his tent lest he be bombed by US Nintendo. Well at least he stopped crying.

Meanwhile, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin is up for auction.

Yup, the alleged assassin of JFK’s coffin is being auctioned off. Who buys that? And what do you put it next to? I guess if you’re ex-CIA you could put it with the real rifle and the withheld files on the assassination. Oh, and you could bury it all with the corpse of the real assassin. You know, for nostalgia’s sake. Everything in its right place.

And where is Oswald? He’s in his own coffin. It seems the family had him exhumed in the 80’s to prove Oswald – and not a double – had really been buried. Here’s the kicker, the funeral home put him in a new coffin – like he gives a damn – and reburied him. They kept the other coffin. For a rainy burial day, I guess. Eeew, you sick, capitalist bastards! This is why Al-Qaeda hates you.

A French fast food chain has decided it will continue the fine French tradition of poo-pooing animal rights by offering a foie gras burger at a cheap price for a limited time. I’m guessing, till they run out of stock or the ducks learn to fight back.

For those of you that don’t know, foie gras is duck or goose liver pate. You get it by force-feeding corn-mash to said bird and then giving it the axe.

Quick Burger has defended this move saying that it’s a French tradition to eat the liver of those you can actually defeat in battle. Their other great culinary victories against the animal kingdom include frog’s legs and snails – both of which can’t run away and so might actually lose in a fight against the armies of the Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys.

Speaking of animals for our own amusement, the Japanese have found a novel use for an electric eel. And just for once it doesn’t involve sex or dinner. The Kamakura Aquarium in the south of Tokyo is using said eel to power their Christmas tree.

But wait, there’s more. They’re also using the kinetic energy of patrons to power a live-size Santa. Essentially, visitors stamp on a pad and Santa boogies on down. Santa powered by Dance Dance Revolution? An eel power the yuletide tree? The future is going to be awesome!

The city of Kabul has finally decided that having a city choked with the smell of crap and smog is a bad thing. YAY!!

so they’ve decided to give everyone Thursday off for the next three months. Cool.

The upside: This will help lower emissions from cars, buses and other vehicles brought through by the joy of occupation by a foreign capitalist power.

The downside: it’s hard to party down when you’re on vacation and the rest of the world isn’t. But it’s fun to taunt them with pictures.

C’mon, it’s Afghanistan, it’s not like they don’t have any… that the soldiers haven’t smoked yet. Wait, I think we may have discovered the source of the smog! Eureka!!

It’s one thing to bitch when a traffic jam stops you getting to work on time. It’s another thing all together when you decide to avert said jam. A New York green grocer jumped off the platform onto the subway tracks to save a man about to be crushed by an oncoming train. He said if he hadn’t done it, he would’ve been late for work.

“I was thinking, if he gets hit I can’t go to work. It’s Sunday. I can’t miss out. It’s a time-and-a-half day.”

Damn, business must be good. I mean look at those melons.

The Red Sea has just become a little more crimson. Four people have been attacked by white-tip sharks –

– in two days causing authorities to impose a swimming ban in art of the area. Here’s hoping the sharks can read.

One can hardly be surprised at these incidents. The great sage Herge foresaw them in his books of great adventure.

Well, the truth is out. Church roofs are bad for your health. Some 16000 churches have lead roofs. Since the Church of England was founded on a lie it is hardly surprising that the organization is now feeling a backlash.

But all is not lost.

Some enterprising fellows have been using Google Earth to locate the churches in question and liberate the offending heavy metals from the parish. And they have been quite busy.

In the past three years, some 8000 churches have had their ceilings democratically repossessed. But some churches just can’t seem to part with the old ways – they replace the roof and the ceiling bandits return as many as 14 times to take yet another roof and really drive the message home.

The only theory is that someone has found the Philosopher’s Stone and is churning out gold for the masses. They couldn’t be selling it for scrap… could they? Gasp! Could we sink that low as a species?

I’ll take that as a maybe…

So, let’s say you get a package. You open it. Inside you find 500 of these:

and these:

I reckon your reaction wouldn’t be “Woohoo! My order is here!!

I think it would be somewhere closer to:

Well some dimwit German (you see!!) has been making his living by illegally bringing these eight-legged crawlers into the US. Here’s the kicker: He’s doing it by post! Someone call Samuel L. Jackson. I think I just found him a sequel.

“Spiders on A Mail Train”

Oh, before I swat this story, I thought I’d share this with you. This is a hand puppet for children.

Now remember, toy guns are banned! But making little Timmy fill his shorts: Priceless!

Christmas is fast approaching. We’ve all known this since September which, as I’m sure you’re all agree, is the perfect time to start advertising the yuletide spending spree holiday. Cynicism aside, it’s special thing to see the lights on, shining a message of peace throughout the neighbourhood. But, as usual, there’s always a zealot on the block. Meet Mike Babick:

Now meet his Christmas light fetish:

It is estimated that some 250 000 gawkers visit his home every year. The trouble is he’s in a residential neighbourhood. Some people look, some stare, some take photos and some take a piss on a random lawn. I reckon it’s time to break out the shotguns and rock salt, lads.

As you can see, it’s effective.

Meanwhile, the UK once again demonstrated a need for real crime with this emergency call.

“I haven’t been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a fag (cigarette) and he’s gone,” said the female caller.

When the operator asked who had gone she replied: “My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about he’d be safe.

“It ain’t a nice road but you don’t expect anybody to nick your snowman,” she added.

The police were not amused. By the time they got back from searching, their coffee was cold.

That’s it. I’m gathering up some local parolees from Pollsmoor Prison and we’re going to show them how to jingle ALL THE WAY!

And finally… It’s been ten years since September the 11th. Airport security is still a royal pain. One would think that by now, certain things would be common sense. Procedures should have been adapted to deal with special situations.

But no.

When US Army soldiers were boarding a plane home, nail files and leatherman tools were taken away from them. They were allowed to board carrying these:

The logic was that without bullets, a gun poses no threat.

A full transcript of the incident can be found here:

Once again, this is bad –

But this is good –

The soldiers were also swabbed for “explosives residue detection”. Again, these are soldiers returning from Iraq. Naturally, they all failed. Oh goody, that means that they all fired their weapons in defence of freedom. They were still allowed to board. I guess because they had guns.

America, the terrorists aren’t your biggest enemy. This is your biggest enemy.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.