November 3, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 3rd of November 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It’s a strange time when reincarnation is proven and the great spiritual mountain becomes sms ready. It’s a weird day to be alive when the corrupt investigate their misdeeds and the past reappears with a bang. It is indeed a special planet we live on.

Nice to know there are still people far more insane than me out there.

Well, got tell it on the mountain, our government came clean on something. According to the treasury department, tender fraud is currently singing a song to the tune of R25 billion.

Oh wow, is that all?

But fear not, the government says they’re on it and they will investigate. The convenience of investigating your own fraud is that:

  1. You don’t have to go far to find the guilty parties – they’re right there.
  2. You know exactly where the money is – in your greasy pocket.
  3. And you know how well the investigation will turn out because you know the criminals intimately.

So, no worries.

It’s not a conflict of interest when the criminals investigate the crime. It wasn’t a problem when The Warren Commission investigated the Kennedy Assassination, now was it?

Tibet has always been a place of mysticism, spiritual enlightenment and adventure. It is a land home to legendary mountains and is one of the few places you can receive the bumper sticker that reads: Everest, because it’s there.

And once you summit that great peak, we all know what you want to do, tweet about it. And now you can. Nepalese cellular provider, Ncell, has brought 3G connectivity to the base camp of Mt. Everest. Soon LOLs and ROFLMAOs will populate the airwaves as oxygen-deprived mountaineers navigate the lofty frozen wastes.

As a side note, isn’t it great to know that humans are about to place cellphone towers on one of the last unspoiled place on earth? We do enjoy pissing off Mother Nature don’t we? Still, it’ll be fun seeing giant palm trees, surrounded by snow.

Fishermen have found a dozen bombs, circa World War Two, buried on the Galapagos Islands. Authorities were quick to calm a nearby US Naval fleet by stating that the native birds, lizards, penguins and tortoises are docile and are in no way linked to Al-Qaeda.

The local authorities were quick to point out that the bombs were probably American in origin and asked, pretty please, for them to come fetch their toys. On the upside, the locals have decided to keep the ordinance buried as the bombs are far away from where tourists usually play.


This could be the start of a Galapagos Game Show – Digging for Mince! Watch as unsuspecting tourists dig for buried treasure! But watch out for the pitfalls – Dig, dig, CLANG! BOOOOOM! – Aaaw, better luck next time.

A group of four German high school kids have won the World Cup of Bad Dancing. Local jocks were on hand to offer atomic wedgies soon after.

“They convinced with epic ugliness, horrible appearance and their signature move – the Shy Dance,” according to the competition’s official website.

But the competition’s organizers said that ugly dance was not necessarily bad.

These people have never seen a naked woman… ever. Only once they have, will they realise what can be lost through the power of the ugly dance.

“It’s so easy to dance nicely, but ugly dancing is an art. We like to call it “ugly aesthetics,” they said.

I call it the perpetuation of the five-knuckle-shuffle.

The competition was set up in 2009 to create a platform for alternative dancing styles. The criteria for selection include “outstanding ugliness, creativity, singularity/unseen moves and fun factor.”

Paul, the octopus that predicted all those World Cup results, has died. I wonder if he saw that one coming.

“Paul,” says God, “How did you end up here?”

“I heard someone shout Sushi and here I am.”

Staff at the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in western Germany said in a statement they were “devastated” to learn of Paul’s death when they returned to work on Tuesday.

“He appears to have passed away peacefully during the night, of natural causes, and we are consoled by the knowledge that he enjoyed a good life,” said the centre’s manager Stefan Porwoll.

The rescue centre says that at the moment, Paul is in cold storage till they figure out how to mark his extraordinary life.

At a guess, how about some calamari?

Isn’t it great how an animal that served as an amusement for us – that lived out its life in a cage apart from all things natural – could be said to have died peacefully of natural causes.

Like all those life sentence inmates in jail I guess. Maybe those inmates could start predicting things too. We could finally get some use out of them, the deadbeats!

Speaking of deadbeats, Michael Jackson is this year’s top money earner among the dead. Strangely though, there have been no protests working-class dead or Cosatu. Since his death, MJ’s estate made $275 million. No surprise really.

Guilt is, after all, a wonderful money-spinner. However, the guilt machine wasn’t strong enough. Michael left behind a debt of $500 million i.e. the amount the US spends on war in a day. He also left behind three children, or three children’s behinds, we’ll never know.

And finally… There are times when something really doesn’t need an explanation.

A new species of monkey has been found in a remote region of northern Myanmar.

It looks like this.

Am I the only one that thinks Michael Jackson got reincarnated?

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember; you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.