January 31, 2011

The Opening Monologue – Monday the 31st of January 2011

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Well, it has been a special two weeks filled with grave robbers, ash stealers, book haters and all around dim people looking for a great time.

It’s just another fine day in the neighbourhood for the inhabitants of the 3rd rock from the sun. Now one might wonder why society would ever tolerate such silliness. Why are THEY allowed to exist, breed, and so on? Look at it this way: as long as they’re occupied doing that, they can’t work at Home Affairs.

To prove my point, here’s a chronicle of what they’re capable of.

A Chinese university has banned the photocopying of any material that could be seen as subversive or expressing hate against the party, social politics or the state. Books that could be banned include:

  • A Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
  • 1984 – George Orwell
  • The Bible/Quran/Torah/Tanakh
  • How To Dodge A Tank – Tank-Track Ted

Definitely on the list is George Orwell’s Animal Farm… for no particular reason.

A Cypriot Monk was detained at an Athens airport after it was discovered he had the skeletal remains of a nun in his suitcase.

“But she’s a saint!” said the bone collector.

“We’re not worried about her, we’re worried about you sick boy!” said airport security.

When asked for comment, a church official stated, “Well, when he said he was boning some chick, I guess we should’ve asked for clarification… or at least profile pic.”

Not to be outdone, a Buddhist Monk could be sentenced to five years in jail for smoking illegal cigarettes.

In a past monologue I mentioned the draconian measures being taken by the government of Bhutan to curb smoking. Bhutan wants to be the world’s first smoke-free nation. However, the cunning entrepreneurial skills of Indian Black marketeers have poo-pooed that idea.


And the guy got his illegal cigarettes from a town 170kms away. Dude… how badly did you need a fix?


At least in jail he’ll be able to get a smoke… on a pork sword. It could be worse. He could be a Russian rabbit.


Iran has continued its bid to be the most depressed nation on earth by banning all production of Valentine’s Day products. Islamic hardliners have argued that to celebrate this Western holiday would be to invite the corruptive influence of Western values.

Then some nationalists said, “K, fine.” And suggested replacing Valentine’s Day with “Mehregan,” an Iranian festival celebrated since the pre-Islamic era encompassing friendship, affection or love. Ah, yes, Valentine’s Day with a different name. The hardliners said nothing further because there was nothing to yell and shake their fists at.



So, the cops in Silver Springs Shore, Florida, arrest some teens for burglary. After they interrogate them, they get a lead on another case. Cool, huh? They finally know what happened to some guys ashes.

It seems the lads broke into the deceased man’s house and made off with, among other things, his and his two Great Dane’s ashes. Here’s the crypt kicker. They thought the ashes were cocaine or heroin.

Yes, the ashes were in an urn. No, that didn’t stop them doing a line. Realising the spiritual implications of what they’d done, they talked about returning the urn.


They decided, “Nah, our fingerprints might be on the urn. Let’s toss it”

So they dumped it in a lake. So, no one had a rag or tissues to wipe down the urn? No one thought of that? It would’ve been nice… y’know… since you just DROWNED HIS REMAINS!


In a well-placed but doomed act of restitution, police divers are now searching the water for the ashes. Just look for the patch of sand with “WTF?!” written on it.

The dog’s ashes must be pissed. All that water and no playing fetch.

Russian authorities confiscated three tonnes of mammoth tusks… Wait, what? Yup. A gang of Russians was trying to smuggle mammoth tusks out of the country to parts unknown. You know there’s a shortage when poachers start jacking ice, snow, archaeological digs and museums for their wares.

Who the hell buys a Mammoth tusk? Is a regular elephant tusk just not good enough? Methinks someone’s compensating for something.


You know how, sometimes you have cash on hand and you decide, that right now would be a great idea to buy something special? Well, some people need a little impulse control.

See this car?


It’s just been bought at auction for $120 000. Why? What the hell kind of a selling point is “Well it used to be a US Navy ambulance. Still runs. And look at the boot space! You could fit two corpses in there with room for the wife and kids.”

So why is it so special? Because it was an ambulance for this guy:



An ambulance used to transport this guy after his own advisers killed him. Allow me to make this plea to the good people of the US: Having the cash doesn’t mean you should use it. In fact, in this case, it is more than a little creepy. You’re not going to find a box of Magic Bullet Ammunition. They left that in Lyndon B., Johnson’s car.

Some things shouldn’t be sold. Sorry America. They just shouldn’t be.


An Argentine woman that was in hospital after a failed suicide attempt was thrilled to find her room unattended and a window wide open. She quietly thanked hospital authorities for their rampant lack of foresight and then hurled out of the window.

But lo, God wasn’t having it. She fell 23 stories and survived! A taxi cab broke her fall.


The trip cost her $3,00 cab fare and $50 000 for a new cab. Now take this as a hint lady. You survived that fall. Now go give birth to a messiah or something.

Adolf Hitler’s last bodyguard has stated that at 93, his arthritis doesn’t permit him to answer fan mail any more. Yup, this guy, till recently, would answer requests for autographs by sending fans an autographed picture of him in his SS uniform.

I think we’re missing the point here.

He sucked as a bodyguard! Hitler went shambling right passed him, smelling of petrol and carrying a pistol.

When Adolf said, “Eva and I need some alone time.”

He replied, “Okay boss. Everything looks to be a-okay in there.”

Epic fail bodyguard boy.


Or did he? Dun! Dun!! Duuuuun!!!

Creativity is a wonderful thing. When it’s combined with a degree of inspiration, you get something truly brilliant. A group of drug smugglers decided that to best transport their weed across the border, all they needed to do was avoid the patrols. They decided that they’d use this.


A catapult – A hand-welded, trailer-mounted, weed-hurling catapult! Genius. Okay so they got caught. Okay, it means that the $35 000 of weed will now be distributed by the D.E.A. and local law enforcement. But still, these soon-to-be-convicted men can hold their heads high for they can tell the tale.

A tale about how, one time, they tried to use a siege engine to bring joy to a joyless nation.

Gentlemen, we salute you!


Former Miss Canada finalist Mary-Lou Zahalan-Kennedy (her name must be some kind of record breaker in Scrabble) has just become the first person in the world to graduate with a Masters Degree in Beatles Studies.

Not these ones: http://uppitywoman08.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/beetle4.jpg

Nor these ones: http://surfingart.com.au/images/vwphotos/long-vw-beetle-line.jpg

These ones: http://www.thekidswindow.co.uk/images/CMScontent/Image/beatles.gif

So now, with her new Masters Degree, she can look forward to a long and illustrious career at Look & Listen. Her folks must be so proud.


75-year old Joy Cassidy has learned a valuable lesson: never underestimate how hungry the Boise, Idaho Police are for some action. It seems that after several arguments with staff and patrons of the local library, joy had taken to dumping condiments into the drive-up drop box. And she was merciless too: corn and maple syrup, mayonnaise and ketchup all found their way into the shoot causing $1000 in damages.

So the library set up a surveillance system.

Remember, I said they the cops were hungry for action?

They decided set up a stakeout operation of the crime scene. I bet they scared the dentures off that old bat, swinging in with SWAT Teams and fire support.

Joy has since been sentenced to one month in jail and is not allowed to have contact with any Boise-area libraries for two years! That’ll teach that evil woman.


Wow… you guys are really bored.

And Finally… Earlier I told the tale of the twits that pilfered a man’s ashes during a burglary. Well, it seems that the Italians are going to show the Americans how it’s done.

Meet Mike Bongiorno.


Mike died in September 2009 at age 85. He was Italy’s top quiz show host for more than 50 years, he was there for the first Italian TV broadcast in the 1950’s and helped Silvio Berlusconi launch commercial television in the 1970’s.

Two years after he was buried, a fan came to pay their respects and found that someone had decided to take Mike for a walk.


They had a rather subdued reaction and called the police.


According to the police, there have been no ransom demands. Now before you start… ah, screw it. Ransom demands?! Pay up or we’ll kill him again? There. I’m fine now.

It seems this isn’t the first time a famous corpse has been snatched for fun and profit. But those douches were caught soon afterwards.

Is this what we’ve come to?


I think it’s time we employ a little dark power. Perhaps something like the Tales from The Crypt approach. That way, when they come for your corpse, someone will have your back.

Say hello to my little friend!!


This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.