September 29, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 29th of September 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The last few days have been ones of great expectations: A time when I hope that it rains; that people realise that we’re all on THE SAME planet and should share it; that the homeless realise that just because I’m big doesn’t mean I know where the food is; and that the planetary cull of the stupid will soon be kicking off. But, as I looked at yesterday’s sky, with heavy clouds but no rain, I realised that the sky and clouds were acting like the strippers at Teazer’s: The clouds are happy to show us how potentially wet everything could get, but we won’t get to touch any of that moisture. Ever.

So, with that pent up frustration I deliver you another list of whom you should never let touch you on your studio.

It’s possible that Moses was a big windbag after all. Scientists at The National Centre for Atmospheric Research and The University of Colorado have used computer simulations that suggest that wind could have caused the parting of The Red Sea.

According to them its highly plausible (they would think so since it’s their grant money on the line) that a wind of 63 miles per hour, blowing through the night, could have caused the land bridge needed to for the Israelites to get away and later, drown several pyramid builders.

The problem is that a 63 mph wind is the equivalent of a gale force tornado. So unless the Israelites were towing a trailer park, this theory seems full of hot air.

Moving off world now, it seems the full moon is always the subject of some fascination: did we land there? Why do some members of the family need shaving when it’s full? And why does baring your ass to strangers get referred to as mooning? Well, a Belgium beer company has decided to use the power of the autumnal full moon in brewing a new beer that encompasses all that clout. It’s called Paix-Dieu or Peace-God. With an alcohol volume of 10% per bottle, it’s likely that’s what you’ll say after knocking back six of these.

“We made several tests and noticed that the fermentation was more vigorous, more active,” explained Roger Caulier, the owner of Brewery Caulier. “The end product was completely different, stronger, with a taste lasting longer in the mouth,” he said.

Tell you what spanky, you drink a few of those and pass out, there’s a whole other reason why you’re got a funny taste in your mouth.

Statistically, a jury is more likely to find a good-looking person innocent. If that’s the case, then this lady is so screwed.

Meet Els Clottemans. She was in a love triangle with Els Van Doren and Marcel Somers. She stands accused of murdering Van Dorens so she could have Somers all to herself. And now for the fun facts:

  1. She is accused of murdering Van Doren by sabotaging her chute sending the victim on a 14000 feet freefall.
  2. The accused is an experienced ski diver.
  3. The accused was diagnosed by psychiatrists as “showing signs that she suffers from a psychopathic disorder.”
  4. My favourite fact: The accused is an elementary school teacher.

So… once again, meet Els Clottermans.

Oh yeah, she’s pwned. Away to the puzzle factory with her!

Now on to fashion and first-aid. I’ll explain. A fashion designer and a professor of particle technology have banded together to create a new fabric – spray-on clothing.

When testing is complete, the substance will be packaged in an aerosol can to allow for an instant wardrobe change at the press of a nozzle. And as to the medical applications, the cloth, once inside the can, is sterile and can be used as a spray-on bandage. The upside – unlike bandage packs, the contents of the can can’t be exposed to the air and so can be reused.

So now, even the homeless can look fabulous dahling!

Moving to Tirana, Albania and this week’s dumbest criminals. Two men were arrested while attempting to tunnel into a bank.

Their plan seemed fool-proof, not realising they were a better brand of fool. The gents rented a store above the bank and from there, decided to tunnel into the bank.

Two problems:

  1. The techniques they used is similar to the plot of the Woody Allen film “Small Time Crooks” (Irony).
  2. They forgot that sound travels. They were nabbed when the noise from their drilling between the upper floor shop and the bank vault alerted the authorities.

“We moved in when they were in the last stages of finishing the tunnel,” Tirana police chief Tonin Vocaj told reporters.

Curses, foiled again. Damn you, physics!

Germany now where police seized what might have been the early makings of another visit to Poland. German authorities confiscated 86 weapons, dating from World Wars 1 & 2, from the house of a Bavarian man that had died two years ago. The arsenal included assault rifles, revolvers, tommy guns, 21 detonators and explosive devices, seven hand grenades, 23 metal boxes containing various types of munitions… and a partridge in a pear treeeeee!

The cache was discovered by the deceased man’s son after he was clearing out the house. No word yet as to the rumour that grandpa died by accidentally shooting himself. It’s not like he wasn’t spoiled for choice. If you’re going to frag yourself, go out with a classic.

In response to the story, the Polish have fortified their borders while the French have surrendered.

Onward to Mexico where grabbing a bite has just become easier. It seems that at least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a refuge near the Gulf of Mexico after Hurricane Karl swept through the area.

Depending on whom you ask the numbers of escapees varies between 280 and 400 crocs. These ancient dinosaurs can grow up to 10 feet long, like long swims in the moonlight and unsuspecting campers on a late-night swim.

No word yet as to the rumour that Hurricane Karl was paid off to effect the crocodiles release although authorities say that somebody wearing alligator shoes had greatly disturbed the creatures two days before.

In an unrelated story, 15 border-crossers, 95 border guards and 17 drug mules have also gone missing.

In what some may call mistake number one, Dublin police have decided to send “test” youths to pubs. They are to check if landlords are abiding by the laws prohibiting the sale of booze to under 18’s. The plan is to get permission from their parents first as I doubt there will be any problem getting volunteers. Some 16 year olds may even take it as a challenge. On the list of other possible targets: sending the youths to a casino and then, a strip club. No booze, no gambling and no live boobies. No wonder the youth of the UK are going all Mr Stabby.

And finally… sometimes you read a story and find it very difficult to feel sorry for the victim. Such was my impression in the case of Jimi Heselden, aged 62.

Jimi Hesleden was a multi-millionaire and, till recently, the owner of the Segway Company – the company responsible for these things.

Three guess as to why I’m speaking about Jimi in the past tense. Well it seems that Jimi was out doing this:

On one of these:

When this happened:

The moral of the story: No matter how much cash you have, what you own, how much you donate to charity and what a nice person you are, a sense of direction and situational awareness will always be priceless.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.