June 29, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 29th of June 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week, our nation’s World Cup Soccer madness continued to build, as teams reached the start of the elimination round. And if you’re looking for information on that tournament here, you’d be in the wrong place, for there are many other sad, crazy and wondrous still going on in the world.

And the best part?

They have nothing to do with grown men being paid vast sums to play a child’s game.

So let’s let the healing begin as I show you that there are crazier people in this world than you’ve already had the pleasure of meeting.

The Hawks a.k.a. The Scorpions v2.0, will in future, face random integrity tests to prove that they are honest. These tests are to include being offered bribes and being offered opportunities to act unethically. But wait, there’s more. They will also have random compulsory drug screening and lie detector testing to prove their ongoing integrity.

The Roman poet Juvenal once wrote “Who will guard the guards themselves?”

A phrase more commonly known as “Who watches the watchmen?”

I’d like to take it one step further: “Who moderates the moderators?”

When asked why this system why government officials were not subjected to these rigours of honesty, a spokesperson for the Hawks said:

“Don’t be stupid. If we did that, who would we arrest?”

It’s finally happened! A SA tabloid has finally joined the global sleaze brigade by being censured over a story. Not for its poor taste but for not telling everyone that the pictures were staged. The Daily Voice ran a story about poor Cape Flats residents that were eating animals to survive. The outcry came when some people thought that the pictures were real. Psychologists have since been dispatched to these poor souls that thought there was truth to be had in a tabloid.

And what was the title of this aggravating article?

“I eat pussy to survive. These hungry Flats mense will kill, cook and chow your pets.”

Mmmm. Very tasteful.

Believe it or not, you can’t publish pictures of a man about to bite a cat without getting people upset. Who’da thunk it? However, the SPCA was at a loss to explain how, after the story’s publication, a truck filled with Yorkshire Terriers arrived with the gift card that read: “Enjoy.”

Our government has a plan to boost the economy and provide more jobs. The only stumbling block: Lower wages. It makes sense that if you pay less to some, then it frees up funds to create work. I’m good with that. At this point, I nominate the boss fellas of Eskom that just got paid a R1 million bonus and also, any government member that have spent more than the GDP of Sierra Leone on a new car. Gentlemen, if you lead by example, we’ll happily push you off that cliff.

Another idea on the government table is the introduction of mandatory third party insurance for all road users. It seems that about 70% of SA road users are driving without insurance.

Here’s a thought: What say we make sure the license and registration on every car is legal before we worry about insurance. Besides, playing bumper cars is the national weekend sport, second only to drinking and Rugby.

Speaking of sport, a local Metro Policeman is busy learning one of the hard lessons of hosting a major sporting event. If you want to make money out of the tourists, you can’t charge exorbitant rates. An American soccer fan reminded him of this by laying a charge of attempted bribery against him. Apparently the greedy public servant wanted a R1000 bribe, well over the usually negotiated rate of a Coke, KFC or whatever you had in your boot.

Staying with America, the US military is closing its bases in Germany. It would seem that after 65 years, the Allies are pretty sure that Hitler is dead and that Germany will not re-offend, thus proving that forced occupation does work. And speaking of invading forces, it would seem that opium use has doubled in Afghanistan since 2005. This has both concerned and frightened Coalition forces in the beleaguered nation.

“Drug trafficking finances terrorism. We can’t allow that to happen since we need the money to fund our own wars of freedom.”

When asked about the best way forward, a spokesman for Coalition Forces said:

“We’re planning on dropping drugs on insurgence as this will make them stand still and easier to hit. We can’t sell what’s already been smoked.”

The UN report that showed these findings says it can’t find any concrete for the surge in drug. It also re-iterated that it had nothing to do with the suicide bombings and gunfire plaguing the region.

It’s official, North Korea has gas. At least these were the findings after a scan of the air by South Korean forces at the border between the two nations. The scans became necessary after the North claimed they had successfully performed a nuclear fusion reaction. The South thought that, as usual, the Dear Leader was, again, being full of it. But this time, the air was stained with Xenon gas, the tang of destruction.

“North Korea has gas alright, and it smells of Xenon.” Said one border guard. When asked to describe the smell, he said “Tangy, with a hint of Kaboom.”

This week marked the anniversary of the passing of Michael Jackson. Fans worldwide marked the occasion in their own way remembering their icon. Latoya Jackson was no exception. In an interview she intimated that MJ was murdered for his discography because the powers that be knew he was worth more dead than alive. This, coming from the person whom some thought was MJ at one point.

Later on, some pundits were heard to say, “It’s a pity Latoya doesn’t have a discography.”

Oh how soon some people forget. Indian filmmakers seem to have forgotten the last time that fundamentalists came to town. That must be why Bollywood has decided to make a whacky comedy involving a likeness of Osama Bin Laden. Go for broke lads, do a song involving someone dressed up as the Prophet Mohammed. Al-Qaeda thinks that stuffs hilarious.

Could it be that Robert Pattinson a.k.a. Twilight’s Edward Cullen, could have some vampire credibility after all? Apparently his family tree shares a branch with the original neck biter, Vlad III Dracula, otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler. Experts were however not able to immediately answer whether or not that meant that Vlad was a little gay and thus passed it on to Pattinson. If Vlad was gay, it would explain why the Twilight star brought that to his portrayal of vampire, Edward Cullen.

And finally… It’s rare that you get to read about and see what crazy looks like. However, the French have one such person. His name is Nicolas Cocaign and he lives in a local prison near the town of Rouen. Why is he a crazy person? He killed and then ate his cellmate… with onions.

I’ll explain.

He battered, stabbed and suffocated his cellmate to death. Then he opened up the man’s chest and took out what he thought was the man’s heart. This later turned out to be a piece of lung. Some of it, he ate raw and then he cooked up the rest with onions for dinner.

Why did he do this?

His cellmate gave him a dirty look.

Why did he want to eat the heart?

“I wanted to take his soul.” Said Cocaign.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking, because it’s what I was thinking as I read this story.

Where did he get the onions from?

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.