October 27, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 27th of October 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week seems to have been one of self-actualisation for some of our fellow earthlings. In China, a woman has gotten closer to herself and in the US, a Florida woman got a mouth-hug from the fish. Also, American found a new toy to add to their arsenal – a gun that can shoot around corners;


And the German Chancellor learned the value of boundaries.

It’s another beautiful day in the neighbourhood…

Or is it?

The Japanese have just realised that not only is tourism important but that all visitors coming into their country aren’t local.

Small victories.

It’s for this reason that they’re going to employ English, Korean and Chinese speaking locals to wander around, making notes on simple things for the benefit of tourists.

Like catching a train:


Using the restroom:


Or what to order at the local restaurants:


Basically, their trying to combat stereotypes:





And come up with something different:


Make yourself comfy folks. We’re going to be here for a while.

Sometimes you should just listen to the sage advice of horror movies and “Get out of the water!!” But some folk, it seems, need to be taught. And one Florida woman is never going to forget. It seems that she and a companion were kayaking in shallow water one evening near Big Pine Key when a Barracuda –

Not this one:


This one –


Skipped across the water, struck her in the chest and knocked her into the water. Her wounds: a punctured lung and broken ribs.


According to the article, “Barracudas are sleek, swift predators with razor sharp teeth. Other cases of the fish leaping out of the water and biting fishermen and boaters have been reported in Florida.”

Has anyone considered that the fish just don’t like Florideans? With the remake of Piranha in full swing, I guess we just found a sequel.


Ah, there’s the nightmare fuel I was looking for.

US President Barack Obama has just finished up shooting an appearance on Mythbusters. This is part of an ongoing campaign to raise the profile of science, math and engineering. Recent studies have shown that these subjects are falling in interest among US teens. Hell, it’s easy to get boys into science, just tell ’em they get to blow stuff up!

Unless you’re the president:

“I can announce today that I taped a special guest appearance for their show, although I didn’t get to blow anything up,” Obama said at a White House science fair event. “I was a little frustrated with that.” And that’s why I would vote for him. Shame on you Mythbusters. He’s the president. Let the man nuke something.


Speaking of dropping a bomb, you’d think that the Vatican would’ve learned to shut its pie-hole by now. Or at least it would’ve learned to do up its fly. But no. This past week, a Vatican newspaper announced that Homer Simpson and Bart are Catholics. What’s the strategy, you’ve scared off all the humans so now you’re going after the toons?


A 2005 study conducted by a Jesuit priest found that “The Simpsons” is “among the few TV programs for kids in which Christian faith, religion and questions about God are recurrent themes.”

The middle class U.S. family prays before meals, and “in its own way, believes in the beyond,” the newspaper quoted the Jesuit study as saying.

In December 2009, the Osservatore Romano described the show as “tender and irreverent, scandalous and ironic, boisterous and profound, philosophical and sometimes even theological, nutty synthesis of pop culture and of the lukewarm and nihilistic American middle class.”

Okay… so what about Marge, Maggie and Lisa? Oh wait, I remember now. You guys go in for the boys. My mistake.

Meanwhile, on the other side of a rusted Iron Curtain, Moscow is about to open another cemetery. And it’s an elitist one. Wow, you guys really know how to party. The Amish have a barn-raising; you guys have a coffin-sinking. However there is good reason for the new cemetery. The Russians are concerned that the rising mortality rate in their country might rob a famous person of a final resting place. So, they’ve built a new cemetery where those “who have made a meaningful contribution to the humanitarian sphere, or to culture, science or society,” can rest easy.

Well bully for them. And as for the rest of you rabble, if you wake up in a wooden box and you smell smoke and gas burners, realise that you’re a worthless turd. You didn’t qualify for a grave and your last moments on this earth will be spent heating the homeless.

Have a nice day!!

Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel caused quite a stir when she paid a surprise visit to the national team after their victory over Turkey. Here’s the thing: you’ve just finished the game, you’re standing around with sweat dripping off you, and you’re shirtless. Then this wanders in.


What would your reaction be?


Yup, I thought so. It certainly was the reaction of the coach. It seems he doesn’t want to share his boys with anyone. Still, it could be a heck of a motivator.

“Lads, keep on winning or next time she’s coming back topless.”


So some guy is suing Bible.com.


Sorry. I had to get that out of my system. He’s suing them because, according to him, the board members – a lot of them ordained priests – are breaching their duties by failing to sell the site or run it in a profitable way.

Now, before we cast the first stone, let’s look where the blame lies. They raised money by forming Bible.com Inc. and issuing stock. However they seemed to have glossed over the part where it says that investors are greedy and want a return on said stock. Heck, I don’t know how they could’ve missed it. It was right there in the original business plan – the one drawn up by the priests. It states that: “it is the goal of the board of directors to become very, very profitable.”

Guys, this wasn’t even in the fine print. You should’ve known better. But hey, some things, you’ve just got to leave up to the pros. I mean making money off religion, that’s so Vatican!

Victoria’s Secret has felt the credit crunch right in the boobies. Every year they release a fantasy bra or a Bling bra if we’re being honest. This year’s asset shiner had to be blinged down this year because of the economic poo-storm. This years one only cost $2 million.


That’s Adriana Lima wearing it. The bra is worth one third of her annual salary paid to her by Victoria’s Secret.

Wow, you guys really are suffering.


Did you ever want to put the fear of Dog into a cat? Just to wipe that smug, lolcat look of its face. Well, now you can. You’ve heard of Parkour or Free Running?


Well then, meet B-arkour!


This is Tre T, a five-year old Staffordshire terrier living in the Ukraine. His adopted family trained him up to be… Spider Dog. And now no Mailman is safe. No kitty will ever again say hello. It’s Judgement Day for the cats of his neighbourhood. Be thankful he uses his powers for good.


It could always be a lot worse.



And finally… A Taiwanese lady is about to get married… to herself. She says that mounting social pressure to get married and being uninspired by the men she’s dated has led her to this.

Okay… Sorry folks, I’ve got nothing.

One thought springs to mind, the honeymoon’s going to be interesting. Never has a manicure seemed more like foreplay than right now.

Questions will need to be answered:

“Was it good for me? I know it was good for you lefty.”

And then the fight’s will start because lefty is the jealous type.

“You’re shaking other hands now? You bitch!!”

And what about clothes?

“That gloves too small for you lefty-“

“What are you trying to say?!”

Oh nothing…”

Ah, wedded bliss.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.