April 27, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 27th of April 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It seemed the next wave of doomsday signs came to pass all over the world this week. Everywhere there was evidence that not only does the ground quaketh but so do the brains of many of our fellow Earthlings. From Iran to Sweden to Indonesia, crazy, stupid people spoke their minds and then glared in disgust as the rest of us face-palmed, shook our heads and then doubled over with laughter.

Herewith is a list of said nutters.

Promiscuous women cause earthquakes. This was the message of a senior Muslim Cleric in Iran who claims that women who dress immodestly cause the planet to jiggle. This pronouncement followed President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s prediction that Tehran would be hit by a massive quake and that the 12 million strong population should move.

So God’s upset and it has nothing to do with the 5 major fault lines that run under Tehran? And he’s upset with immodest women. So basically he’s upset with boobies. Then why did he create them?

Iran isn’t the first place to make ridiculous religious claims when destruction strikes. In the US, Baptist Evangelist Jerry Falwell stated that the reason God allowed the September 11th attacks to occur was because the US allowed certain people to live within its borders. These included the pagans and feminists.

Well then, let’s kill several birds with one stone. How about a swap? The US gets promiscuous women with Bill Clinton leading the charge and Iran gets pagans and feminists. Then we find a deserted island in the hurricane belt, dump all the religious fanatics there and televise the show live. We’ll call it “No Survivors”. I think it’s something we can all agree upon.

In response to the Iranian cleric’s claim, soldiers of Facebook banded together to attend Boobquake – a day encouraging all women to show their cleavage and to test said cleric’s theory.

Nothing happened.

But since science is based on repeatable results, I vote we have Boobquake every weekend just to be sure. Who’s with me?

But that’s not to say the earth didn’t shake, rattle and roll. Four earthquakes measuring between 2.4 and 2.9 on the Richter scale hit Gauteng on Wednesday. So it would seem that Gauteng has several pockets of immodest women. Yay!! In truth, I think that the ship carrying the immodest women from Iran to the US got sidetracked by Somali pirates and ended up here, thus causing the shakes. Reports of the quakes’ aftermath flooded in. Teazer’s clientele said thank you for the deluxe lapdance. Apparently girls that were just shaking their money makers kicked it into overdrive thus boosting Lolly Jackson’s takings by a few thousand rand. Others say the quakes were a direct result of Gigi winning Survivor.

Need we say more?

What is certain is that we’re supposed to be one of the more geologically stable areas in the world if the film 2012 is to be believed. However it doesn’t help that mining has transformed the ground beneath us into a honeycomb.

Please note: Before you ask, the tremors hit before Boobquake and the Survivor announcement, so shush.

Elsewhere in the world, an ultra right wing group calling itself the Swedish Resistance Movement protested the genocide of whites outside our embassy in Stockholm on Friday. They called for an end to “genocide in South Africa”. Rwanda called saying that the Swedes wouldn’t know genocide if it ran screaming into their villages cutting off their hands.

Indonesia has banned well-endowed cops. More accurately anyone that has ever had their member enlarged. So no big guns in the police, only stub nose pistols need apply. And no blank shooters either. The head of the police said the reason for this new rule was that it causes “hindrance during training”. Fellas, if you’re tripping over it, you’re wasting talents that would be far more appreciated on the internet.

Speaking of shooting blanks, 2,575 guns went missing from municipalities across the country during the 2008/09 financial year and the trend is continuing. Yay!! The Police ministry said among other things, steps would be taken to recover 42 guns not returned by police officers who left the force. Again, this isn’t a first. In February, a report was released that 60 firearms went missing from the Riot unit in Hazyview. Perhaps this explains the Government’s gun amnesty drive. They’re just trying to get their stuff back.

And finally… Remember when we used to deal with our anger, perhaps by talking to a friend or parent? Well the award for Bunny Boiler Ex-girlfriend of The Year goes to Brittany Mitchell of Hilton. She tried to hire a hitman to kill her ex-boyfriend’s mom.

Brittany and Kelvin met on Facebook (WARNING SIGN) and after the couple broke up, she paid R2000 to a detective to kill the mom (WARNING SIGN). She was arrested on her 18th birthday. But there is some good news. She won’t be tried because she’s gone into a diversion programme where she will do 100 hours of community service, attend life-skills and anger management classes and see a psychologist regularly. If she violates these conditions, the trial resumes. So, if I’m reading this right, she’s out there, right now, and if she’s crazy enough, she could simply come after Kelvin’s mom herself. (WARNING SIGN)

The moral here kids is that no matter how cute their profile picture is, how sweet their smile or how hot they are, please remember YOU CAN’T PHOTOGRAPH CRAZY! IT DOESN’T SHOW UP ON CAMERA!! We look like everyone else.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.