January 26, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 26th of January 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Another week went by and, once again, Mother Insanity was kind enough to let her gerbils of doom run free. And with so many to choose from, I thought I’d start with a voice few have heard in an age.

The P.A.C. has spoken for the first time since… Well, if you want to think back that far you might to nap a while. However, they have been making up for lost time and came out swinging. But not in a gay way. Oh no sir. It would seem that the P.A.C. and its crèche, The Pan Africanist Youth Congress of Azania or Payco – no relation to Paypal – have decided to fire up some support on the anti-gay ticket by calling for the abolishment of homosexual practices.

In a statement released last Monday, they said SABC 1’s soapie ‘Generations’ has “declared war with African cultures and practices” and that “Africa is not the home of gays and lesbians.”

The clincher came on Wednesday when league president, Pitso Mphasha, said in an interview that “We are saying to hell with the SA constitution for giving rights to gays and lesbians.”

One question: What hairdresser flamed this guy’s do and forgot to apologise?

To those of you still in the closet, brace yourself. It seems Narnia’s about to be invaded.

Twitter has done many things.

Besides revealing just how dull some folks’ lives are, it seems to have joined in the fight against terrorism.

Here’s the deal: Be careful what you post for you are being watched.

This was recently proven when Paul Chambers was arrested and detained for seven hours as a suspected terrorist over a joke he made about blowing up an airport. What follows is why he is a royal Charlie.

He tweeted the following after it seemed his planned trip to Ireland, departing from Doncaster’s Robin Hood Airport, would be snowed in.

“C**p! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your s**t together, otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!!”

Here’s my favourite part. When the police came to arrest him, he had to explain to them what Twitter was because THEY’D NEVER HEARD OF IT! Now there’s police training in action.

And after they keel-hauled him and let him loose, the authorities sang their customary “It is the world we live in and that’s why this is happening to you” song. I’ve heard this song before although the last time I heard it, it was being sung in German from a Nuremberg balcony.

I don’t think alQaeda ever envisioned spreading a tweet of terror.

Avatar has claimed its first victim.

A Taiwanese man with a history of high blood pressure was admitted to hospital after suffering a stroke while watching the James Cameron blockbuster in 3D. He later died of a brain haemorrhage.

I guess we’ll never know if he died because he was over-excited at the sheer spectacle of seeing what can easily be described as Mr Cameron’s opus or if he was enraged at the realization that he was watching a graphically stunning and beautifully presented re-telling of Disney’s Pocahontas.

Staying with blood work for a moment, the SA Blood Service is seeing red and not from their stock in trade. It seems our state hospitals owe the life giving organization some currency to the tune of R170 million.

Taking the lead is Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital owing the paltry sum of a mere R15 million.

I guess Suzanne Vega was right. Blood makes noise and that noise is CHA-CHING!

The WWF has come to the Eskom price hike party and not with a steel chair and intro music either. The South African branch of World Wide Fund for Nature has questioned the integrity of the public hearings into Eskom’s proposed price hike.

How does one question something that isn’t there begin with?

Their case is that on December the 31st of last year, the Government Gazette contained a decree that the Kusile power plant – which is part of what we’ll be financing if Eskom gets its way – will be completed as per the original spec. If that’s true, the price tariff hike will be 45% and not 35% as previously advertised.

Which begs the question: “If government has already made up its mind, then why the hearings?”

That’s easy. Till now politicians thought no one read the Government Gazette. Also, when politicians pay us lip service, they hope we can’t read between the lips to see the teeth about to bite us in the ass.

And finally. On Wednesday the 13th, a young boy returning from his first day of school got lost after boarding the wrong bus. Two days later, his grandmother reported him missing. The 6 year old boy, Knowledge Tshabalala, was eventually found in Lenasia at a place of safety and on Monday the 18th, was re-united with his grandmother.

Thus proving that there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that you have a home. Wisdom is knowing how to get there.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.