May 25, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 25th of May 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

There’s a whole lot of positivity in the air. The big day is almost here. World Cup, here we come!! Unfortunately, the universe always seeks balance and that might explain why some special nutters have been documented crawling out of the woodwork. These are their stories.

But first, the good vibrations.

The World Cup is almost upon us and every day you can feel a quiet optimism growing in our generally cynical population as the event draws near. But with all this positivity in the air, why then has the event brought out the Gestapo in our government? You don’t have to be a social worker to see that in and around our cities and stadia, the streets are being emptied out in preparation for the coming masses.

Incidentally, I love that word – Stadia – it sounds like “stayed here” as in “The homeless stayed here.” Coincidence? Who knows?


The homeless are vanishing and prostitutes are being left pimp-less. And what of the rights of the relocated? Well, they’ve been given a yellow card. The powers that B.E.E. have decided to do the Beijing Shuffle. That’s when you round up all the undesirables that remind you of what a great job your social development department is doing, and you dump them elsewhere. They get sent to shelters and you leave them there and pray that they don’t find their way back. This was the technique employed by the Chinese during the Beijing Olympics and boy, does it work.

Well, that’s the eyesore of the unsought sorted. Now for some honesty.

Eskom was kind enough to tell the truth a week ago. They finally admitted what we all feared. There is a slight chance, just a smidgen of a possibility, that there won’t be enough power to go around during the World Cup. Is anyone even surprised anymore? It’s gotten so that when these people tell the truth I think it actually causes them pain, much like a plot would hurt the writers of the Twilight films.

So what are we to do? Well, if worse comes to worst, everyone can only have their TV and one light switched on.

Now, at the risk of committing sporting blasphemy, I’d like to pose a question: What about the people that don’t care about the World Cup? What about those poor sods that want to sit back and watch an episode of Hannah Montana? Do they get different rules?

“Well, you have no lights on so you can run your pc, but if that geyser switches on, you’re in big trouble.”

Moving further north, Malawi has decided that it can swing both ways, when, in one deft stroke, it convicted a recently engaged gay couple of unnatural acts and gross indecency. Malawi’s church leaders backed the decision saying that homosexuality is “sinful”and that the West shouldn’t be allowed to use its financial power to force the country to accept homosexuality. This might have something to do with the fact that Malawi relies on donors for 40% of its development budget. The laws used to convict Malawi’s first openly gay couple were drafted in 1940 when Malawi was still a colony even though these laws are in direct contradiction with their 1994 constitution. Clearly, they’ve come a long way since then. They’re free, using colonialist law and getting money from outsiders. Another fine case of:

“Please sir, can we have some more? But don’t you dare tell us how to spend it, you vile colonialists!!

As to the judge, well, he was only following the Letter of the Law. And the church is only preaching the Word of God as they see it.

However, if they’d bother to look closer, they’d notice that the law has many letters, and religion has many words. And if they’d bother to see, they’d notice that those letters and words conceal a very important ideal.

It’s called Tolerance.

Speaking of religious insanity, President Barack Obama’s former minister, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has said he’s “toxic” to the Obama administration and that the president “threw him under the bus.”

This is the same reverend Obama cut ties with two years ago after certain inflammatory sermons surfaced during Obama’s election 2008 campaign.

Other gems from the fervent preacher include:

*In reference to Obama’s failure to send a US delegation to the 2009 World Conference on Racism because it would’ve offended Jews and Israel.

“Them Jews ain’t going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter that he’ll talk to me in five years when he’s a lame duck, or in eight years when he’s out of office,”

“They will not let him to talk to somebody who calls a spade what it is. …I said from the beginning: He’s a politician; I’m a pastor. He’s got to do what politicians do.”

“Ethnic cleansing is going on in Gaza. Ethnic cleansing [by] the Zionist is a sin and a crime against humanity, and they don’t want Barack talking like that because that’s anti-Israel.”

And also

“God damn America.”

He has also accused America of creating AIDS.

You know, I can’t see a reason why this guy shouldn’t be around the president. He sounds as stable as most of the non-incendiary Al-Qaeda operatives I’ve seen on TV. So let’s keep him around, if only to scare the radicals. With any luck, Obama’s crazy man will scare Al-Qaeda’s crazy men away.

Staying with the Middle East, excavators clearing ground for a new building have dug up over 1000 skeletons from a Muslim cemetery.

But wait, there’s more.

The site they were clearing was to be the home for a museum dedicated to tolerance in Jerusalem. Well, heck guys, you’re off to a great start.

And there is the more pressing matter that no one seems to be focussing on. Haven’t these guys watched The Curse or Poltergeist? Bad things happen when you build on a burial ground. And what are they going to do if the building gets haunted by fundamentalist ghosts? Mind you, that problem should sort itself out.


And finally… it used to be acceptable that when a child misbehaved, they were sent to bed with no supper. However there are always going to be those that take it a bridge to far. Three cult members in Baltimore proved this when they starved a toddler to death.

The reason: He wouldn’t say “Amen” after meals.

But wait, there’s more.

The child’s mother, 23-year-old Ria Ramkissoon, is already in a residential treatment programme for young women as part of an unusual plea bargain in which her plea will be withdrawn if the child is resurrected.

So she’s free if her kid becomes a zombie.

I somehow doubt that’s going to happen since the body of the toddler, Javon Thompson, was found in a suitcase in Philadelphia in 2008, more than a year after his death in Baltimore.

There is no word yet on whether the accused are going with the “Death by Lost Luggage” defence.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.