March 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 23rd of March 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Last week saw great merriment: our president went to hell, Julius Malema was found guilty, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated and a rap star was threatened. All this coupled with scholars attending protests instead of classes and the long weekend made for an uproariously fun week. Allow me to demonstrate.

Drinkers of all ages, some of them legal, some of them actually Irish, took to the pubs to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day with all the joy and insanity of a Jackass casting call. But who was St. Patrick? His real name was Maewyn Succat (pronounced Suck it) – a really unfortunate name to have in the priesthood if past scandals are anything to go by. So why go into Catholicism? Because after being sold into slavery and tending sheep for a while, religion seemed the obvious choice.

His life has become the stuff of legend. Some say there were two different people alive at roughly the same time and their deeds became the story of dear old Paddy. The most enduring story being that Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

On a very big bus perchance? Whatever he drove, it certainly wasn’t S.A. Roadlink. Also since no fossil records of snakes have ever been found in Ireland one could say he not only drove them out but that he atomised them too, turning them into the fertilizer that gives Ireland its green, green grass.

Some people could argue these points all day long. But why? For as the song goes,

“Whack for my daddy, oh

There’s whiskey in the jar, oh.”

Staying with folk music, a tale was told that The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. And then our president went to Zimbabwe to visit the devil and ask for it back. Although JZ has been working his own magic up north, his life continued without him this week when it was publicised that the budget allocated for his wives would double this year taking it to over R15 million. The money comes from the budget for the spousal support office – which covers the cost of employing a personal secretary and a researcher to support the president’s wives in projects relating to government work. Once again the question is where is this money supposed to come from?

In an unrelated story, The National Lottery Board (NLB) has R6.3 billion in cash and liquid assets – money unspent on charity organizations and NGOs – despite dozens of groups applying for much needed assistance since 2003. Unconfirmed reports however say that with the governments help, they’ll be clearing out the backlog very soon. Class, can we say CHA-CHING?!

Further on up the road, Julius Malema and the ANC Youth League were dealt a severe blow last week. Just on the heels of his creative remix of “Shoot the boers, they are rapists” our Designated Distraction Man was found guilty of hate speech. What were the odds of that? He has been ordered to pay a fine and apologize. Some might think this is a slap on the wrist but given the number of times Julius mouths off in the average month, he could soon bankrupt himself paying off fines with tender money he says doesn’t exist.

Not to be outdone, the ANCYL’s own lord of incoherency, Floyd Shivambu says journalists who have accused him of threatening to make the details of their personal lives public are cowards for not making their identity public. Naughty Floyd! Don’t expect them to do your job for you. Be a man of your convictions, just like Julius. Mr. Shivambu continued, “Who are they?” he said when asked for comment. “If they don’t want to come out and say who they are, then they are stupid.”

No. They’ve just learned a lesson from watching Monty Python’s “How Not To Be Seen.”

Meanwhile on Facebook… It has been said that if you were to give an infinite number of chimps an infinite number of typewriters, one of them would produce the works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the internet, we know that’s not true. Although, the net does allow us to keep track of the dangerously stupid and last week was no exception as a Facebook fan page devoted to Julius Malema started keeping a body count of farm murder victims since 1994. The twit in question, one Clearence Letlokane, who refers to Julius Malema as “The Oracle” posted these gems. Please note Grammar Nazis may want to avert their eyes:

“They kept the wealth of our land… the little riches obtained is not merly (sic) enough to be shared equally amongst all of us… Hence it is that corruption persists… Crime will not rest until all that was stolen 4rm us is… all regained…”

“Comrades must unite. The oracle has spoken. The once hunted must now become the hunters. Let them wear dompasses. Restrict them from certain areas. Do u thnk afta putting them through all that crap they will vow 4 reconsilliation?” (sic)

When questioned about these statements, he replied: “I haven’t killed anyone, but I am not sympathetic to those who have been murdered… sue me for not shedding a tear.”

Wow. 4chan needs this one.

Naturally, Floyd Shivambu said that neither the league nor Malema had anything to do with the page.

Is it then safe to assume that there are no words for login info in Pedi?

Racing ahead, it’s official: Although their re-enactment of the chase scene from The Italian Job failed, Jub Jub’s blood tested positive for cocaine and morphine. In his defence however, his lawyers said that only his co-accused, Themba Tshabalala had alcohol in his system. Jub Jub may have felt no pain; had a God complex and felt hyper and chilled at the same time but at least he wasn’t drunk. Well, thank heaven for that. It must be why he got bail. On a side note, to the protesting school children I’d like to say: GET YOUR LAZY ASSES BACK IN SCHOOL AND LEARN SOMETHING! THE LAST THING WE NEED IS ONE OF YOU GROWING UP TO BE JUB JUB – PART 2!!

Moving abroad, protestors in Thailand have hurled bags of their own blood at the residential compound of the Thai Prime Minister in hopes that the shock tactic would bring down his government. The Thai National Blood Service wept as thousands of protestors each gave a few teaspoons of blood. This was then transferred into dozens of large plastic water jugs that were passed overhead through the crowd of cheering protesters before being delivered to Government House. It was then poured into plastic bags and hurled at the walls, floors and roofs of the compound buildings.

Kind of makes toyi-toying look stupid now doesn’t it? It is unconfirmed whether or not those that gave blood received a cookie.

And finally… Sex can be a wonderful thing but sometimes it can really burn your ass. This was proven when a Swiss man was photographed by Swiss daily Blick, naked on the window ledge of a transsexual prostitute’s apartment when a fire broke out therein. The 33-year-old man was hospitalised after the fire last Monday afternoon and was released that evening with light burns. Not to be outdone, a Russian couple died of carbon-monoxide poisoning when they had sex in their car in a sealed garage. “A man and a woman retreated to their Volkswagen to have sex… Most likely the lovers turned on the engine to get warm,”Interfax reported, citing a source in the Moscow police force.

This wouldn’t have happened in an electric car… I’m just saying.

These stories prove once again that though some people want to burn in the fires of passion, others just want a warm place with a funny smell.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.