June 22, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 22nd of June 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The wheels on the bus go round and round and if you look real close you’ll get to see the gears, cogs and pistons churning away to the music of the world. And every now and then, you’ll get to see as glitch in the machine. Sometimes small, sometimes gargantuan, but always, entertaining. Especially if your view of the world is somewhat skewed. For those of you with a view askew, here comes a highlights reel of the week that was.

June 16th – commemorating the Soweto Uprisings – came to us on the coattails of an all encompassing World Cup event. But this didn’t stop the powers that be from remembering past events. But as is sometimes the way of these things, someone has to put their foot in it. President Jacob Zuma marked Youth Day by putting his foot in his mouth, if ever so briefly. He dropped this gem:

“It is still baffling as to why someone would torch down a clinic because they do not have a school or destroy a library because the water taps have run dry,” said Zuma in a speech prepared for delivery on Youth Day in Thulamahashe, Mpumalanga last Wednesday.

Well, and this is just a guess, could it be that people have just heard one vuvuzela blast too many and need to vent? I doubt it has anything to do with poor service delivery or a lack of facilities. It also has nothing to do with the slew of government officials that seem to have permanent poop factories installed where their mouths should be.

However, all is not lost. Minister of Human Settlements, Tokyo Sexwale, just realised that there might be a small corruption problem in the government housing department. Huzzah!! As such, he has ordered a national audit to try rein in housing beneficiaries illegally selling their properties. Sexwale did cover his own tail early on by stating that the tracing of these people would be difficult since they have the sense to behave in a fraudulent way. Tsk, tsk, how are the police to do their job if they leave them no clues? Here’s a thought. When you sell a property, you get cash and lots of it. Therefore, look for the minister wearing a smug grin, singing “I Shot the Sheriff” and I’m guessing you’ll have your man.

Staying with crime, Police Chief Bheki Cele has accused foreigners of taking advantage of the country’s rampant crime to commit crimes of their own. Unconfirmed reports say that the local market is saturated and doesn’t need any further stimulus. One former hijacker said:

“It’s getting so that there’s a queue of hijackers for every car. And some tourists only want to get hijacked in their own language. I’m forced to be a street mime on William Nicol in my off duty hours, just to make ends meet.”

In World Cup news this week: An earthquake measuring 4.3 on The Richter Scale struck the West Rand last Monday afternoon. FIFA was quick to say that it had nothing to do with noise from vuvuzelas and that the tremor was in no way related to the current strike season occurring in Durban. Unconfirmed reports say that the quake might have been caused by Eskom moving its Bonus Wallet around. But the wallet is soon to lose a ton of weight – R9.6 million worth – as Eskom pays its top brass performance shares. When unions asked why they weren’t getting their requested 18% wage increase, Eskom’s board of directors had to be rushed to hospital suffering from laugh-induced asthma.

Dumb comment of the week goes to the Gauteng Health Department. According to them, the resignation of 17 doctors from the Leratong Hospital is not a crisis. Neither, apparently, was the fact that there were 29 vacancies for doctors and 52 vacancies for nurses at the World Cup designated hospital. For this reason, all injured hooligans will be ferried there so that they can receive the proper care they deserve.

A man in Newcastle has proved that sometimes the universe just doesn’t like you. He tried to shoot himself with a .22 calibre pistol while sitting in his car. The round lodged in his head. He then got out of his car, attempted to cross the street and was hit by a truck. Thus proving once again, when you can’t do something alone, someone’s always willing to help.

According to Vaxispace Produksies, their porn film “Amore” has nothing to do with Amor Vittone and Joost Van der Westhuizen. That hasn’t stopped the estranged couple from trying to stop the film’s release. The plot of the film is totally generic: it’s about a couple whose marriage ends after the husband is secretly filmed having sex with a dancer. The man is blackmailed and refuses to pay and the video is then leaked to the media and the story makes headlines. See? Everyone can relax. There are no similarities at all. The most compelling evidence is the title. Just because it sounds the same as your name, Amor, it doesn’t mean they’re talking about you. Besides, there are no lines in this film.

Moving abroad, Columbian soldiers have rescued 3 hostages that have been held by rebels for 12 years. When asked why it took so long to free them, it was revealed that some joker switched their battle coke with weed and it took a while to get out of the barracks.

Sri Lanka’s quota of stupid people has dropped by 15 in the last six months. This after their cellphones led to their deaths. How, you may ask? They were walking on train tracks at the time of their conversations and failed to hear the train coming. One witness said that he heard a victim saying that he was going into a tunnel and would call right back. He didn’t.

Japan says it will quit the International Whaling Commission if they aren’t allowed to perform research on whales with their harpoons. Head of the Japanese delegation said that no one in Japan likes guns anymore so in an attempt to defend against the possible onslaught of super-sized Americans, they’d like to practice on whales.

“It is an unfortunate side effect that the harpoons kill the whale. Unfortunate, but very tasty, especially with soy sauce.”

The IWC is weighing up the possibility of a 50/50 agreement: For every whale killed, a group of Japanese children of equal weight must be harpooned. The Japanese delegation was far from happy with this prospect stating:

“This is unacceptable. We don’t eat children. Yet.”

The Pope has praised his priests for being a “gift” to the church and the world. At the same time, The Vatican could neither confirm nor deny that the pontiff had started dropping acid. Apparently, his delusions started after seeing a documentary where a priest was filmed making a pass at an actor.

The actor posed as a young parishioner asking for guidance regarding his homosexual tendencies. The priest allegedly made advances to the actor telling the young man that he too, in the past, had homosexual experiences. And then the priest tried to get some tongue. Upon confronting him, the priest offered this pearl:

“I perhaps exaggerated… without realising it,” the priest said, adding that he was trying to help the young man. Indeed, out of his pants maybe?

Elsewhere in Rome, an octogenarian former priest admired throughout Italy for his work against drug and alcohol addiction faces charges of molesting children. It is unconfirmed whether he used sodomy as a deterrent.

Across the pond, some deity has been fooling around with the weather cannon again. This was proven when a six-story tall statue of Jesus with his arms raised was struck by lightning and burned to the ground in Monroe, Ohio. Nicknamed “Touchdown Jesus” by the locals, the statue – made from plastic foam and fibreglass mounted on a steel frame – was no match for Mother Nature’s field goal. The keepers of the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil called to say that perhaps concrete and soapstone may have been a better choice of building material, and that this was in no way a sign of who God supports in soccer.

Researchers in Singapore have shown that while a maggot is feasting on your rotting flesh, it’s a good thing if the larva farts on you since the expelled gas has anti-biotic properties. Discovery Health said that the maggot therapy is already covered by their scheme and the maggot farts are currently widely used in their ad campaigns.

And finally… the Providence, Rhode Island school system has proved that the term Ass Hat can indeed be earned when a school cited its no-weapons policy in stopping a second grade pupil from wearing a patriotic hat he made to honour US Troops.

The reason: the camouflage hat emblazoned with an American flag was decorated with small army figures. The school decided that the hat was inappropriate because it had guns on it.

America, you have officially lost your damn minds. Al-Qaeda doesn’t need to render you immobile through fear. You’re doing their job for them, you Ass Hats!

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.