October 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 20th of October 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

If this past week has taught me anything, its that people have too much time on their hands. We conduct research into Restless Leg Syndrome while whole parts of the earth are at war over food; celebrity problems are deeply followed while our governments continue to screw the pooch on basic services and everywhere on the planet from Vladivostok to Tokyo, from London to Arizona, more proof emerges that we are focussed on the wrong things. I, however, am thankful for these people. If they weren’t there, who would I write about?

And so we begin another chronicle of the denizens living in the Land of The Lost: This Island Earth.

As if in answer to an unspoken prayer, armies of researchers are looking into things that we don’t ever need to really know. Information that, when we discover it, our reaction is usually: “Oh… okay. That’s interesting.”

For example, a study published in Current Biology, showed that some species of dogs see the bowl as half-empty and others as half-full. Literally. They taught them that some bowls had food while others didn’t and then they started messing with the dogs in the name of grant money… I mean science. The tests showed that, like people, dogs know what a disappointment it is to be around other people. The dogs saw it like this:

  1. Man fall down: Funny.
  2. Man fall down is dead and can’t play fetch: Sad
  3. Man tease dog till dog tears out man’s femoral artery: Hysterical.


Fetching a stick over and over again only to see it hurled away again:: Insanity.


It finally happened! A German born without the common sense to realise that his actions are a hollow victory… Besides Adolf that is. The EU instituted a ban on light bulbs that are stringer than 60 Watts in an attempt to get people to use green energy saving light bulbs. One entrepreneur has cleverly sidestepped this law by importing 100W light bulbs as “small heating devices”. He calls them “Heatballs”.


And it’s totally legal. His reasoning for his actions are as “resistance against legislation which is implemented without recourse to democratic and parliamentary processes.” He added that energy-saving lamps contain mercury. He is going to donate 30 cents from every Heatball sold to saving the rainforest.


Here’s the thing.

Burning coal releases mercury. You burn more coal to power an 110W light bulb than a 15W energy saver. The energy saver has on-board mercury. The regular light bulb does not.

So the issue should be a simple one: Do you need ready access to Mercury?

I guess Bart Simpson was right, “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.”

But the news isn’t all bad.

A new innovation is being tested in Berlin. Stumbling out of a nightclub with sore feet, from dancing in heels all night, may be a thing of the past for women… and some men. Vending machines outside of nightclubs are being set up to dispense a set of flat shoes for ladies to walk home in. You also get a bag for your heels.

All this for $10.

A similar system is about to be tested outside of clubs in the UK. Machines will dispense a spray called “Ho Begone” – guaranteed to repel any chavs and/or Essex girls on contact. Apparently it smells of books and education.

It’s getting so that you just can’t pose nude any more. The Vienna State Opera has booted ballerina Karina Sarkissova because she failed to heed warnings not to pose nude for men’s magazines.



I think the actions of The Vienna State Opera are totally over the top. Let’s be serious now. For the most part, ballerina boobies are like ghosts:

  1. They are rarely seen.
  2. You’ve never seen one.
  3. The only place you might get to see one is in an old book or magazine or on the internet.

And when one of them decides to share her bounty, the Freud-toting, waltz-mongers cry foul. Boo I say to you sirs! Boo I say!!

Ever had the repo-men cart off your stuff? Well, in Russia it’s being taken to another level. A woman in Vladivostok had her pig repossessed after failing to settle her debt with the bank. After surveying her property, the decided the pig was “her most valuable possession”. Shit guys… I think she has bigger problems. If you take away her pig, how is she supposed to bring home the bacon?

But I guess it’s a sign of the times. Russia has invested in an inflatable army.


They look just like the real ones and are easy to inflate and deploy. They’re also capable of tricking radar and thermal imaging into thinking that they’re the real thing.

Kind of like an inflatable Idols winner – looks like an artist, sounds like an artist but is full of hot air.

The current arsenal of gas power includes tanks S-300 rocket launchers, MiG fighter jets and even radar stations.


Well, I’m impressed. However, if I may make on point: The next time you create hardware that is based on deception for it to work, how about you don’t let it flight on the news.

Further east, Taiwan is planning on allowing brothels. Small ones. The government is poised to pass a law allowing sex workers to set up small businesses. The catch is that the venue can only employ three to five staff. So, if you find yourself horny in Taipei, remember threesomes and foursomes are do-able, but no orgies. They love you medium time.

As the fate of the media hangs in the balance here at home, we get to see what a political mouthpiece the media can be in Bangkok. Thailand’s Finance Minister decided to use a soap opera to spread some government foulness. In a special episode, the minister appeared in a vast hall to explaining the government’s plan to help the people repay their debt. The dialogue was riveting stuff.

“The government of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva has helped over 500,000 people and reduced debt burden by about 3 billion baht ($100 million) per month. It’s lucky that Mr. Prajuab registered,” the minister said, referring to one of the characters.

One has to wonder if that could be done here. President JZ could come on, explaining why the Hawks have dumped the arms-deal probe. In the episode, JZ blows away a character called Justice Constitution, and then the Hawks will make the gun disappear. The show ends with them denying the existence of a gun, not knowing where it is or even what a gun is. They freeze in position, laughing, after a final killing joke and the credits – TV magic at its best.


And if you thought we were leaving America out of this week’s episode, think again. A special kind of crazy is always left for my final segment.

And finally… Chandler Arizona, a peaceful community not unlike the ones you see in horror movies. And it would seem that among its more colourful residents, a few are stuck in the 80’s… The Lost Boys 80’s. Meet Aaron Homer and his girlfriend, Amanda Wiliamson.



You can see the resemblance, can’t you?

Yes indeed, these two freaks think they’re vampires. And it seems that they decided to get a little too nippy with their dinner. It seems that Homer was keen for another feeding off his room-mate, Robert Maley. But Bob was having none of that. Once was gay enough. So Homer stabbed him in the arm.

“He wants to cut you again so he could suck your blood?” asked the officer.

“And I said no and then he flipped because they think they’re vampires,” replied Robert Maley.

As a cover, Homer and Williamson told the cops that Amanda had stabbed Bob in self defence. Then they threw fake blood around just to make it convincing. Yeah, because his blood just threw itself at you, huh?

Here’s how that police interview went down.

“Why is there fake blood all over your floor and all over your room and fake blood on the knife that was supposedly in somebody’s arm?” asked an officer during a taped interview.

“This is a really freaky situation and I know he was bleeding…” said Homer.

“You got that right. You’re definitely right about that,” said the officer.

Wow… they just don’t make vampires like they used to.


Whoops! Sorry, I meant a real vampire. That was a fag and his hag.


There. Much better.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.