July 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 20th of July 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

With the world cup becoming but a memory every day and strike season floundering, it seems only natural that idle hands find themselves work. And where else could that be more productive than Xenophobia. Nothing says “the dream is over now” than angry mobs pounding the stuffing out of foreign shop owners in what is becoming a tired re-enactment of District 9.

Reports of impending doom have begun to surface everywhere and evidence of an approaching storm was recently uncovered in the Western Cape when police officers discovered a pamphlet being distributed to locals urging them “to join hands together to drive foreigners out of our country.” The pamphlet went on to lay the blame squarely at government’s feet.

“Truth is our government is no longer able to take care of us.”

Shame, can’t out MPs ever catch a break?

Our police services are ever ready and vigilant to stop all threats to the safety and security of foreigners… as soon as someone gives them the names and addresses of the offenders. They stated that, regarding the pamphlet, their hands are tied. Here’s a thought:

  1. Find the guy handing them out.
  2. Break his knees.
  3. Find the guy he got them from.
  4. Break his knees too.
  5. Repeat process till you find the mastermind.
  6. Make him watch Titanic over and over again, pausing only to break a knee here or a shin there. This should be done to offer a brief respite from the agony of watching Titanic.

Football stadiums are magnets for crime but only when they are in close proximity to a soccer ball and several thousand spectators. According to information supplied by Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa, nearly 1000 crimes occurred within 1.5kms of stadiums during the world cup. However, the public can rest easy knowing that these incidents only occurred on match days. So until the start of the premier league, feel free to run around the stadiums naked, swinging sacks of money.

Staying with events of the cup, a newly discovered species of flower has been named after the vuvuzela in honour of SA hosting the world cup event. The plant was so named for its flared, yellow flowers and massed, synchronous appearance. Previous choices for names included “Dear Lord, What is that din?” as well as “Holy Crap, I’ve gone deaf!” But Vuvuzela was found to be less wordy.

A Spanish man, known for being a pitch invader, was given the warmest of SA welcomes when he tried to invade the pitch 10 minutes before the world cup final game. Known as Jimmy Jump, he scampered onto the field and up to the trophy. His deepest wish was to place a little cap on the world cup trophy. His dream was not to be realised for a security official decided to give Jimmy a close-up look of his fist. Unconscious, Jimmy Jump No More, was carried off the field to the waiting world cup court where he was later fined R2000 and asked to jump elsewhere.

And speaking of losing consciousness, a Mandrax factory capable of churning out 210 000 tablets an hour, has been shut down in Balfour, Mpumalanga. Police said they were tipped off when factory took a three-day nap break. Staff were also seen drooling, missing teeth and tripping their tits off.

East London and the winter circumcision death toll has risen to 41. Unfortunately it’s the only thing rising this winter according to initiation school officials.

“The winter chill is leaving us with little to work with.” said an unnamed source.

Further north, Zimbabwe has joined an ever-growing list of southern African nations that is pushing for, and in some cases, paying for men to go for circumcisions. The reasoning is that it slows the spread of HIV by frightening the penis into hiding. And the logic seems to be sound. Once you swing a scalpel at ones closest friend and proceeds to lop off its favourite jersey, it becomes difficult to regain the trust of the one-eyed, trouser snake.

But undaunted, Zimbabwe has soldiered on. President Robert Mugabe said that his country will not listen to those that want gay rights mentioned in the nation’s new constitution. He demonstrated this while addressing an Apostolic Church gathering. He placed his fingers securely in his ears and said “Lalalalalalala! I am not listening to you! Lalalalala!”

This was the same technique used by Mugabe during his land restitution programme codenamed “Grand Theft Zimbabwe.”

Further to the north but just as oppressive, Iran’s atomic chief Dances With A-Bombs Ali Akbar Saleh announced that his nation had produced 20kgs of 20% enriched uranium.

At the UN, the nations of the western world sprang into action.

“Yeah, right.” Sniggered The West.

“We have.” Iran insisted.

“No way.” Said The West.

“Yes way.” Iran persevered.

“Well stop that.” Said The West.

“How about no.” Replied Iran.

“Have some more sanctions then.” Said The West.

“Yeah, right. Like that’s ever worked.” Guffawed Iran.

“Oh well, I guess we’ve done all we can. Thank you UN, for giving us this effective platform for solving our problems.”

“Okay wait,” said Iran. “We’ll meet you half way. We won’t stone this blatantly adulterous woman, even though she’s asking for it.”

“Fair enough.” Said The West. “At least the people have stopped whining.”

Progress through politics. We are so screwed.

Facebook has launched a panic button for young kids and teenagers to thwart the pedos with. However, they said that for the time being, they’re going to hold off on the “WHO THE HELL IS THIS DOUCHEBAG THAT KEEPS ON FRIEND REQUESTING ME?”Button. It is feared that such a button could crash the social networking website from overuse.

According to a German court, it’s not the parents fault if their child chunders in your taxi. This after an incident when a German couple travelling in a taxi asked the driver to stop as their daughter was unwell. The child then tossed her cookies. The court ruled that parents are only liable if they knew their child was nauseous and still did nothing to prevent the damage. So, the message is clear. If your kids going to heave, make sure you know before you leave.

If the next war for the US comes from China, it could be Usher’s fault. It seems the R&B sensation has decided to play Beijing and open his concert by singing in Chinese. Let us hope that the authorities don’t take offence when “It’s goin down on isle 3, he’ll bag ya like some groceries.”

On to songs with lyrics, The Village People, creators of the actions song YMCA, have said that they won’t be changing the name of their song even though the YMCA is now officially known as “the Y”. The name change came after 2 years of research proved that people don’t know what the organisation does. Therefore they switched from YMCA to the Y. Yeah, that does make it a whole lot clearer.

A woman in Pontiac, Detroit has been sentenced to a 9 to 30 year jail sentence for having sex with her son. But wait, there’s more. She originally gave him up for adoption. Then, 14 years later, tracked him down via Facebook in 2008. Naturally, the next step was to consummate their reunion. Sometimes, Al-Qaeda’s anger makes so much sense. If only that kid had the Facebook anti-pedo button. He could’ve been spared the horror.

Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have created a fabric that can hear and emit noise. Dating men worldwide have seen this as a great stride in preventing relationship arguments. It won’t be long now before the outfit she’s wearing will tell her if it’s making her look fat.

German police in Hannover are testing a new way to find human remains. They’re going to use vultures. The details as to how they’ll train tow-truck drivers to find the dead, is sketchy at the moment, but have assured the public that should you die in a car accident, finding you will be no problem.

The Vatican has successfully tested its new Anti-Sinner Smiting radio tower. A court- ordered study has found that electromagnetic waves beamed from by Vatican Radio leave residents living near the station’s antennae at a higher risk of risk of cancer. Proving that if you want to be close to God, best you behave.

A 47-year-old New Mexico man whose pants and prosthetic leg were set on fire by his friends after he lost a drinking bet. Here’s how it happened. The guy was drinking with his friends. Why? To celebrate his release from probation for a 2007 drunken driving, burglary and auto theft conviction. Heck, if he had an Uzi, it’d be Grand Theft Auto. Sheriff’s investigators opened a criminal case last Thursday to determine if the friends should be charged even though the man agreed to be lit on fire. At the very least they should bve charged with operating Jack Daniels without a brain cell. Cops found him on the night of the incident, on US Route 70, naked, with him prosthetic leg ablaze. As the saying goes, with friends like these…

And finally… Sunday marked Madiba’s 92nd birthday. To mark this momentous occasion, people across the globe were encouraged to spend 67 minutes of their lives to change the world for the better. These 67 minutes represent the 67 years Nelson Mandela spent in politics.

This raises my point for this monologue.

The man spent 67 years in politics, 27 years in jail and he was married to Winnie. I think he’s done enough.


Quit trying to further your agendas by turning Madiba into a figurehead for your cause. His name is not Zakumi.

Madiba, this year I wish you a peaceful and restful birthday, free from the 6000 or so nameless hangers-on that’ll be clamouring to meet you; an organised army of name-droppers that you don’t even know. As an added bonus gift, I will happily climb a clock tower with a rifle to make them get the message and go away.

Peace and love Madiba. Happy Birthday from The Opening Monologue

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.