March 16, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 16th of March 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week showed that there seems to be an affliction creeping through the ranks of those in power. Striking at any time and usually with explosive results, this menace can destroy the message of any argument, rant or statement leaving the speaker looking like a complete moron.

I’m of course referring to the dreaded, “Foot In Mouth Disease!”

Yes! The scourge of the political rally and the poorly-worded interview, Foot In Mouth Disease or FIMD can relegate any impassioned speech to the realms of satire.

Two such instances happened in the week that was. Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema warbled a tune not everyone wanted to hear and the The Wife That Was, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela blurted out an incoherency that left the right wing thinking, “Isn’t that our script she’s using?”

These and other shocking tales of verbal diarrhoea await you within the case files of… The Opening Monologue!

“Mandela let us down.”

Like the shot heard round the world, this bombshell went off last Monday. It is alleged Winnie Madikizela-Mandela made this comment and several others during an interview with a reporter, Lady Naidira Naipaul, from London’s Evening Standard newspaper several months ago. And like a mudslide of Tourettes and vitriol, our former first lady went on to say that Madiba had made a bad economic deal for blacks and that Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu and his partners in the Truth and Reconciliation Commission were cretins.

Naturally since this interview surfaced, the traditional war of words has flared with Winnie saying:

“I didn’t say that.”

And the reporter saying “Well yes you did.”

And then Winnie retorted saying “I never gave you an interview.”

And the reporter replied “Well here’s a picture of you and me and my husband at your home, nice house by the way.”

And then Winnie said “Thank you, but I was speaking with your husband for his book, not to you.”

And the reporter said “I introduced myself as a reporter. If you didn’t want it in print you should’ve said so. So there. How trusting are you?”

The lesson here is that once Winnie removes that colossal foot from her mouth and the other from said reporter’s posterior, she should from now on always be aware of where she is in the space time continuum.

Not to be outdone, Designated Distraction Man (DDM), Julius Malema outdid himself this past week with what some might say is the thermo-nuclear habanero chilli to Winnie’s jalopeno for the soul. At a rally at the University of Johannesburg, Julius decided to adlib on an old struggle song about cowardice. The lyrics originally went “Cowards are afraid; shoot, shoot, shoot with a gun.” Our DDM changed them from “Shoot the cowards” to “Shoot the boer.” Despite cowards’ countrywide expressing relief at the altering of the lyrics, the rest of the nation took great umbrage at JM’s mad improv skills. Julius, this isn’t Idols, it wasn’t necessary to dazzle them with your singing. That’s JZ’s thing. If you were in a boy band, you’d be the one that gives the oddball interviews and later on has no career… Oh wait… Never mind. And take that foot out of your mouth when you speak to us!

More bad news as DStv announces that it will not be launching a porn channel as part of its service. The Film and Publications Control Board or Evil Censor Monsters welcomed this decision saying it was a victory for the children’s rights movement. In a statement, chief executive officer Yoliswa Makhasi said “There was little doubt that children’s exposure to pornographic material may be considered a form of sexual abuse.” Apparently 47 000 misguided citizens cried foul of the possibility of free-flowing footage of naughty bit being piped directly to their homes thus putting the issue to bed so to speak. Geeks across the country had little to say on the issue. It seems that as long as there’s an internet, no-one needs to be lonely tonight. And remember, your kids know how to surf the net. Way better than you.

To the 47 000 that have no idea what I mean, turn off SafeSearch and let me Google that for you.

Sticking with naivety, the former head of Britain’s MI5 said last Tuesday that the US misled its allies about what was happening to inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Oh wow, no! Really? Say it ain’t so! You mean while the American government was torturing prisoners, they may have lied about doing it? How can that be possible? How could it be that with the moral compass provided by Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and George Walker Bush, a lie or 20 could have been told? These men watched “24” for inspiration you dolts! Didn’t you think that there might have been a problem when one of them ran his presidency like he was a Texas Ranger? And you claim to be the home of James Bond. Hang your heads in shame!

And finally. Thailand, where Sujet Salee is a Thai boxing champion with a record of 5 wins and one draw. His coaches say that his elbow is his weapon of choice.

“When he touched his opponent on the ring, he attacked instantly.”

Now before one of the 47 000 start bleating, Sujet is blind. That’s right. A blind boxer. A blind Muay Thai Kickboxer. Born blind, he always wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps. Now he competes against blindfolded boxers in full contact tournaments. Strangely though, blind boxing is not supported by Thailand’s disabled athletes association, which considers it as a violation for the rights of the handicapped. Oh really? Why don’t you go over to Sujet and say that. I thought not. Cos he’ll KNOCK YOU THE **** OUT!!!

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.