June 15, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 15th of June 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The world cup has kicked off, momentary deafness has set in but the world just keeps on turning. Believe it or not, non-football related nonsense continues to happen worldwide without a hint of stopping. These stories await you below.

So, let’s let the chips fall where they may because tomorrow’s the maid’s day off here on The Opening Monologue!

According to President Jacob Zuma, he should not be susceptible to prosecution as this will hamper him in doing his job. This comes after the DA once again tried to find out why the National Prosecuting Authority dropped its case against him. One would think that JZ would welcome the time off. Why not have him investigated post World Cup? While the investigation goes on, he can endeavour to discover who was putting it to one of his own harem. Recent claims say it was the chauffeur. Apparently he needed help operating his stick shift. One can see why the office of the president initially tried to keep that story under wraps As we all know, polygamy is fine, it’s sleeping around is just wrong. And with the help? As if!

Julius Malema is afraid that the ANC Youth League has been infiltrated. Unconfirmed reports say that certain members of the youth league have become capable of critical thinking and such open mindedness is simply not welcome. Julius didn’t say who the infiltrators were. However, he did say that their mission was to destroy the youth league and, by extension, the ANC itself. These “people” had an agenda against JZ and they were also attempting to ensure that there was a “gap” between the youth league and the parent body. That gap is called thinking. At the mere mention of the word, there was much booing from the gathered crowd and a few members even fainted.

And proof of this sinister “agenda” showed itself recently when a Rustenburg farmer laid a charge of inciting genocide against Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema. The difference? He’s laid the charge at The International Criminal Court in The Hague. The charge reads that by singing “Kill the Boer” Julius was inciting his followers to commit genocide. The youth league said that that was a great big pile of poo. In an unrelated story, Julius Malema is now singing his revised song entitled “Kiss the Boer”.

There was no direct evidence that former AWB leader Eugene Terre’Blanche was murdered, the Ventersdorp Magistrate’s court heard last Thursday. The defence claimed that the accused, Chris Mahlangu, had acted merely in self defence. Well, either that or Eugene simply beat himself to death. Who knew the man was so talented? A natural leader, farmer, horseman and now, head-banger.

Vuvuzelas are more dangerous than chainsaws, at least to your hearing. This is according to hearing-aid manufacturer, Phonak. Whew, that’s a relief. For a second there I thought there would be a spate of slasher films filled with deranged madmen, wearing hockey masks and brandishing vuvuzelas. Unconfirmed reports say that even though Phonak stands to benefit from large scale deafness caused by the instruments, the group thought it should spread the word. That way, later on when we’re all saying “Huh?”they can sign “We told you so!”

And speaking of nutters, about 10 Argentine football hooligans, bent on causing all sorts of problems during the footie, were sent packing upon their arrival at OR Tambo airport last week. The police said, “We don’t want crazy hellraisers in our city; we have enough of our own, thank you!”

A homeless man sleeping in the bushes at the Suncoast Casino in Durban died when a driver lost control of his vehicle, went through the casino fence and said bushes and came to rest in the casino parking lot. There is as yet no word on whether that means the homeless man won the car. Unofficial reports claim that the man’s last words were “G.T.AAAAAIE!!”

Internationally, Steven Segal has offered his expertise as a Hollywood action star in training Costa Rica’s Federal Police force. He will be hosting his hit seminar entitled “No Expression – Because why should you act when you’re punching someone?” and also the sequel “No Expression 2: The Keanu Reeves Effect”

Staying with all arts martial, Jet Li is planning on filming his first non-martial arts movie later this year. In the film, Li will play an aquarium worker who cares for his autistic son. The film is called Ocean Heaven. There are unconfirmed reports that originally, the film was just another action binge. Apparently, during a fight scene, Li beat his co-star into autism for mocking his acting style. Li allegedly became enraged, pummelling his fellow actor, shouting “I studied acting at the Steven Segal No Expression seminar! How dare you besmirch my honourable sensei’s teachings?!!”

Staying with those saddled with a god complex, Police in The Philippines have dug up cocaine on the coast of a central island to the value of $1 million. The cache is part of a much larger stash of Peruvian Marching Powder that was dumped by an unknown South American Drug Cartel. The cartel dumped the stash because they thought they were being watched.

Hmmm… Cocaine and paranoia? Say it ain’t so!!

Apparently the police were tipped off to the find when several islanders were observed wrestling sharks shouting “It’s my ocean! They built it for me!!”

Elsewhere in the Far East, a high school student in Bangkok has found a novel way to deal with his stress. He burned his school down. Or tried to. He failed at that too. The boy was stressed out by the pressure laid upon him to excel so in an attempt to get sent back home he decided to prepare Boarding School FlambĂ© for his cooking class. The school was overcooked in some places but underdone in others. Oh well, there’s always the ladyboy option. Luckily, he’s in the right city. Like the Navy says: “In Bangkok, there is no wrong hole.”

And finally… The running for World Cup Dumbass is really hotting up with the Argentine 10 in with a firm chance.

Not to be outdone there was the Aussie who has no sense of direction. He passed out drunk in the driveway of a Johannesburg politician. He was wearing typical winter gear for idiots – t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. When woken up, half-frozen, he thought he was in Cape Town. Who’s the drunkest fan now, hey?

But the current favourite has to be The Specialist. Last Monday, an alleged robber sought refuge after a botched crime, and so, ran straight into Parliament to hide. The week of the World Cup, when every cop and his cousin were on duty, he tried to enter the basement of 90 Plein Street. Brandishing a gun, in a panic and suffering from a leg wound, he was quite the sight. A dozen police cars popped by to observe the show and after a few laughs, and an occasional poke with a stick, they carried him to the waiting ambulance. And that’s why he’s The Specialist. No one but he was that special.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.