December 14, 2009

The Opening Monologue – Monday the 14th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The Yule tide is fast approaching. A time of miracles and a time to give thanks to the blessings bestowed on the less fortunate. Nowhere is that message clearer than with Shabir Shaik. In October of this year the Natal Mercury reported that Shaik was sighted playing golf in apparent violation of his parole. The Department of Correctional Services asked Shaik to explain the incident. Shaik duly replied with a statement saying:

“It wasn’t me.”

The state replied: “Oh well that’s fine then.”

See. No problems there. Correctional Services Minister, Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula also took the opportunity to reiterate that she had no evidence that doctors had erred in their recommendation to grant Shabir Shaik medical parole nor that the Correctional Services and parole board had erred in its decision.

But, nobody mentioned that minister. Could that be guilt gnawing at your soul? Are you possibly due for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future?

On Thursday, the Freedom Front Plus – now with added delusion – stated that The Department of Home Affairs was “the most corrupt government department”

YAAAAAY!! *through streamers, dance around* Thank you Captain Obvious.

This was after the announcement that dozens of suspended officials were being investigated for giving citizenship to mainly Pakistani foreigners. This comes one year after Britain warned us that corrupt officials were handing out false South African passports thus making us a gateway country for terrorists.

Awkward much.

“The fraudulent registration of births of foreigners constitutes a serious threat to the national security of our country,” Home Affairs Minister Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma said in a statement Thursday.

Actually minister I think you’ll find it’s the targeted countries that are in danger.

She said South African investigations would ensure all those implicated “face the full might of the law”.

Indeed, unless they’ve already left our country. Then I guess they’re someone else’s problem.

Spokesperson for The Freedom Front Plus, Corne Mulder, stated that Minister Dlamini-Zuma and her department were “causing the general public to become more convinced that home affairs is the most corrupt government department”.

Oh don’t worry. We’re convinced. Now do something about it!!

Thursday morning was also a day of firsts when head of the ANC Youth League, Julius Malema was booed at the SACP’s special national congress following the recent mud-slinging between the SACP’s Jeremy Cronin and Malema.

It all started when Cronin, in reference to Malema’s calls to nationalise the mines of South Africa, stated that Julius didn’t really understand the economics of the situation. Malema retorted, accusing Cronin of being the SACP’s “white messiah.”

Defaulting to the race card again Julius? How original.

Added to the fray were Blade Nzimande’s comments on Tuesday where he attacked certain ANC members who were anti-communist. He also attacked capitalism and stated that socialism was the only way forward.

He has a point.

Communism and Socialism has worked out well in so many countries like Cuba… No wait, they’re starving. Well, there’s China. No wait, 80% of their rural population has AIDS. Well… it looks good on paper is all we’re saying. We should all keep that in mind as Blade Nzimande drives around in his government Merc. Like a good communist should.

With all this mud flying about it is no surprise that on Sunday it became known that Minister Cronin was receiving SMS threats from someone claiming to be Julius Malema. Cronin has stated “I don’t think its Malema.” And why not? Was the grammar poor or was the message just in Pedi?

Lads, if I may, as a humble capitalist interject, tis the season to be jolly so how about we lay down our mudslingers and sing a few carols. Come Boxing Day, you can all sling away again.

And speaking of shiny presents under the Christmas tree never let it be said you never bought someone a gift this festive season. You, the taxpayer just shelled out R760 000 for yet another ministerial bling mobile. The deputy minister of correctional services, Hlengiwe Mkhize has just bought herself a new Porsche Cayenne as her official vehicle. To blend in with career criminals when she goes undercover I suppose.

Not to be out done, her boss, minister of correctional services Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula lashed out R970 000 of taxpayers’ money on a Lexus LS460.

Through all of this, minister of public service and administration Richard Baloyi has insisted that no rules have been broken. The DA has retorted that it might just be a good idea that ministers use cheaper official vehicles, what with them being public servants and all. Baloyi can’t understand why so many voices of derision are still being raised about these vehicles.

Oh I don’t know either. Could it be that every time government says there is no money for some or other public investment we as citizens see a bling government car cruise by and get the urge to hijack and sell said vehicle just to free up some loot?

Why must we always ask about those cars? Why can’t we all just follow their lead… like good little sheep should?

The Airports Company of South Africa (ACSA) has “ambitious” plans to curb luggage pilfering at OR Tambo Airport said Transport Minister Sbu Ndebele on Thursday. He said nothing about the other airports so for now Bloemfontein, Durban and Cape Town can relax and keep on nicking.

Some might think that simply implementing an anti-pilfering plan sans announcement would be better than announcing it first. This is because one loses the element of surprise if they know you’re coming.

Just a thought. Tipping your hand? Bad minister, no biscuit!

In reply to a Parliamentary question, Ndebele said that 0.9 of 1000 bags were pilfered at O.R. Tambo airport in the last financial year. Well below the world benchmark of 1.0 bags per 1000.

Sidebar!! Am I correct in saying that 0.9 out of a 1000 bags is just 0.1 below the benchmark? How then is that well below? It’s not unlike being beaten within an inch of your life. It really isn’t that far.

ACSA’s target for the 2009/10 is 0.3 bags pilfered per 1000. They were mum on getting the planes to run on time. Some things just weren’t meant to be.

And finally, a recent medical study published in the journal “Behavioural Neurosciences” has discovered that caffeine – friend to drunken students, deadline chasers and hangover sufferers the world over – will not sober you up. Yes indeed, coffee will remove the sedative effects of alcohol but it won’t correct your bad judgement.

In other words, drinking a bucket-load of Jagerbombs will get you drunk but instead of passing out, you’ll still be fully cognisant of the grumbler you hook up new Year’s Eve. And you’ll be unable to stop yourself. So folks, this festive season as you pour down that 9th vodka and redbull and saunter off into the night with that screaming howler on your arm, remember, you brought this on yourself. Later on when you wake up next to… it, you can rest easy with the knowledge that you were conscious the whole time. Vivid memories, hell yeah!! Now doesn’t that make you want to just jingle all the way?

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.