July 14, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 14th of July 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

At the start of every monologue, I try to give a witty round-up of the week that was. If I could make a brief deviation, I’d like to mention the events of last night that stopped me from publishing the monologue in a timely fashion.

I couldn’t write the monologue because of power failures. Three power failures in one day. Now, I’d like to thank Eskom for keeping the power running during the football. I’d like to thank them, but I can’t. This is because we have reached a point in SA where thanking Eskom for doing what is essentially its job, is like thanking a thief for obeying the law.

They deserve no thanks. It’s their job. We pay them for a service. A thank you should only ever be earned, not simply given.

I also find it phenomenal that Eskom can be owed R189 million by government and they seem to take no action against them. And then, at the same time, Eskom has plans to shut off the power of 50 Free State towns for failure to pay.

Here’s the kicker:

The reason those accounts are in arrears is because of gross mismanagement of funds by local government.

Do you see a pattern? It’s hard to spot but believe me, it’s there.

I guess what I’m asking for is a little consistency. The next time the power goes, please Eskom, for my sanities sake, decide how long you actually need to have the grid down for and then keep it off for that period. Turning the power off, then on, then off, then on is as frustrating as watching porn with the sex scenes edited out.

If you’re going to screw me, have it be one long session as opposed to three unfulfilling short ones.

Thank you.

And now, on to our main feature.

The week that was saw the world cup drawing to a close, the occupying armies of FIFA finally pulling out and Spain, dive-rolling to their first cup final victory. On the domestic side, politicians warmed up their delusion generators, more parliamentarians asked meaningful questions and Designated Distraction Man a.k.a. Julius Malema, made a triumphant return, in time to catch foot in mouth disease. Across the seas there was craziness aplenty too, as you shall see. So let’s begin, here at home.

President Jacob Zuma thanked all South Africans for being well-behaved this last month. Even though it was a stretch at times, no one snapped, shot, burned, hijacked or even “accidently” sent any tourists to Hillbrow, The Bluff or The Flats. Everyone played nice. However, that didn’t mean government joined in.

The National Prosecuting Authority has a boss and that boss is government. This was the sentiment of JZ while being interviewed on Talk Radio 702. He also stated that he would never interfere in the NPA’s affairs.

“I will never do it… there will never be an example to quote [in the media]… There’s a wrong system we need to fix which other people abused.”

So just to be clear, there will never be evidence of interference on your part. Well that’s fine then.

Also, SA Reserve Bank Governor Gill Marcus came out swinging at executives receiving heinously high salaries at a time that ordinary people are biting the bullet.

“It is not just a workers’ problem, the tone is set by bonuses and executive pay,” she said at a Power Business breakfast function.

I guess it would’ve been easier to believe she cares about inequality if the function hadn’t been held at the Johannesburg Country Club.

Occasionally, you get to see irony at work.

Next time, if you want to look like you’re on our side, might I suggest having your breakfast function at Wimpy?

The Mandela Bay Media Association is concerned that there might be corruption in the media. Really? What next, bad refereeing at football games? Say it ain’t so!

They raised this point after allegations surfaced that two Cape Argus reporters took bribes to write favourable stories about then-premier Ebrahim Rasool. Added to this is a recent incident where the DA asked SABC’s Head of News, Phil Molefe, to explain why there is a ban on Thabo Mbeki. It seems Molefe called a meeting of senior news executives and told them that there was to be no coverage of former president Thabo Mbeki in any media.

His reason: Mbeki’s appearance on SABC television undermines President JZ.

Really? I think you’ll find JZ’s colleagues are doing a far better job of undermining him than Mbeki ever could. Isn’t that right Julius?

The unions are revolting and not in their appearance. It seems that with the football season over, the striking season is about to kick off. Public Services unions have said they are preparing for war and if their demands aren’t met, 1.3 million workers will down tools. Thus beginning another round of that delightful pastime: Kick The Dustbin and Loot The Storefront; followed closely by that other firm strike favourite, Dodge The Rubber Bullet.

Oh, what fun it shall be, the tourists will love it.

And in other good news, SARS now has the power to request all your banking details whenever they want. And if they find you’ve been naughty and not declaring all your income, they can reach into your account and take the cash they need to cover your fines.

But wait, someone just had an intelligent thought: Shouldn’t there be guidelines for this sort of thing? I mean, think of the damage one could cause to people if their debit orders don’t go off for lack of funds.

Oh yeah, and what about the massive invasion of privacy?

“Curse you, Ernst & Young Tax Director Vedika Andhee!! Foiled again!” Bellowed the SARS monster.

If you’ve ever wondered what a man with a death wish looks like, look up Yiull Damaso. He decided to paint something engaging and thought provoking. So he painted a picture modelled after Rembrandt’s painting The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicholas Tripp. In Damaso’s version, Madiba is the cadaver with late Aids orphan Nkosi Johnson performing the autopsy. Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu and politicians FW de Klerk, Jacob Zuma, Cyril Ramaphosa, Trevor Manuel, Thabo Mbeki and Helen Zille look on.

Yiull has thus proven he is a true Dumbasso.

You can all take your acid now. You’ll need it for the next story.

Last Wednesday saw Julius Malema imploring the attendees of a South African music conference to write political songs people could dance to in nightclubs.

“Music is politics,” Malema said.

“We have forgiven them for the past, but have not forgotten. We need to tell that story through music. Let’s teach them about Winnie (Madikizela-Mandela) through music and let’s do it in a fun way, in a way that we can dance to,” he said.

Oh, I can see that going well. “Hey everyone, let’s do The Stompie Stomp!”

But Julius wasn’t done yet. He added that just like Bok Van Blerk had honoured General Koos De La Rey with his song, so other artists should honour freedom heroes too.

He then sang De La Rey’s chorus to prove his point.

Now do you see why you needed the acid?

In closing, Julius warned artists who became famous to be wary of women.

“Women are brave these days. They will pull the clothes from your body if you don’t want to yourself.”

You see?! The acid helps take the edge off.

And now, the rest of SA this past week.

A BMW driver was arrested for travelling at 206km/h. He claims he was just cleaning his foot when it suddenly went off. Not to be out done, a traffic officer in Louis Trichardt was clocked doing 274km/h in his personal Mercedes-Benz C200 Kompressor. This prompted members of the Semantics Police to say that the car is only capable of a top speed of 235km/h.

Two things:

  1. At these speeds, I don’t think it matters.
  2. And lads… this is why nobody shags a know-it-all.

Two senior officials at Westville prison have been suspended pending an investigation after it was discovered that a policeman had sex with a female inmate. That’s one way to make the jailhouse rock.

If you ever needed proof that Cape Town isn’t always sunshine and happiness, look no further. Bystanders outside the stadium on Main Parkade in Claremont showed how little they cared about someone’s whining when they shouted “jump” to a man threatening to throw himself off the 8 storey-high roof. But he spoiled everyone’s fun, was rescued and taken somewhere on ground level. Phooey.

There’s been a call to withdraw the circumcision clamp.

Gently, of course.

The Malaysian-made Tara KLamp is a simple device that, in trials, has had “adverse affects.”

Anyone with a week constitution should skip ahead.

The device clamps onto ones member, where it stays for a week till it and ones foreskin falls off.

I told you to skip ahead.

The trouble is that the device doesn’t always fall off and has to then be surgically removed. You know what? Shoot me. At that point, get a bazooka and blow my face off. If you let someone attach this thing to you, you’re too stupid to be breathing.

International news now, six Israeli soldiers that were recorded dancing while on patrol in Gaza, are in trouble after the clip appeared on YouTube. They are likely to be charged with “inappropriate conduct in a military operation.” At least now we know what the Israeli Army’s policy on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is.

The city of Bagdad has decided it is time to purge some new enemies – stray dogs. Some 58000 stray dogs have been either poisoned or shot in the city by 20 deployed teams. Since 2008, there has been a rise in fatal attacks on humans by roaming packs of stray dogs. Hence the cull.

There has been no confirmation of reports that the dogs are linked to Al-Qaeda.

Elsewhere in the Middle East, vuvuzelas have been declared illegal by holy edict in the United Arab Emirates. It has been decided that no vuvuzela is permitted within the Gulf State if it exceeds 100 decibels.

Having said that, some enterprising folk in Lima, Peru, have found an obvious use for the blaring trumpet – stashing their weed. Two Peruvian women were arrested outside a school attempting to sell 100 bags of weed that had been stashed inside the trumpets. Proof positive that the vuvuzela has two settings:

  1. Blow: to call a dealer.
  2. Suck: to get blasted.

On to Spain, where those not watching the world cup got to be gored by 500kg animals spraying bull snot all over Pamplona. Yup, it is time for special needs tourists and locals alike to take part in The Running of The Bulls. This annual event signals the start of the bullfighting season in Spain. Incidentally, it also marks a surge in some funny videos appearing on YouTube. These are the people you don’t let into your gene pool ever.

An 18-year-old runner from Melbourne, Australia, suffered three fractured vertebrae and was in a serious condition at a hospital, while a 20-year-old Spanish man received an eye injury but was in less serious condition.

Tourist Jack Harrington braced himself before taking part in the second run.

“It looks exciting, like one of those things on the check list you do in life, so I might want to check it off,” said the 62-year-old dentist from Lake Tahoe, California.

“I know bulls, but they came about a hundred times faster than I thought they would,” said Rostow, 58, of Austin, Texas. “I wasn’t prepared for that, and the intensity of the senses was overwhelming, the smell of the bulls, the sound of them running, and the fear.”

And don’t forget the brown river flowing down your leg.

Speaking of skid marks, The Pope is about to release the revised rules on what to do when dealing with paedophile priests. Once passed, the rules now state that if a bishop discovers that one of his priests is a kiddie fiddler, he can now report them to the police. Thanks Benedict and lets all join hands in welcoming the Vatican to the 21st century.

Till that glorious day, spare a thought for a Connecticut Roman Catholic Priest that stole $1.3 million in church money over 7 years. He used it for male escorts, expensive clothes, luxury hotels and restaurants.

Two points to ponder:

  1. At least he left the kids alone.
  2. One church is generating $1.3 million over 7 years? That’s $186000 a year. Call me old fashioned but methinks someone needs to look for a meth lab in their basement.

Further south, Osama Bin Laden’s chef has been found guilty of protecting the Al-Qaeda leader in the early days of the war on terror. He spent the last 8 years in Guantanamo Bay waiting for his trial. His sentence could range from no additional time to life imprisonment. That’ll show him, well done lads. Kind of like a Federal version of sending someone that’s already grounded, to their room, forever.

Closer to home, hundreds of Shebab supporters vowed to step up attacks on African Union troops after it was decided to send 2000 more soldiers into Africa’s piracy capital.

The Islamist insurgents group said they will fight to the death (never till they’re maimed) till the Islamic flag flies over the nation.

Um… guys. Not to nitpick, but at this point, you’re not helping. If you weren’t there, they wouldn’t need to send any extra troops. So, it is kind of your fault they’re there. Now go sit in a corner with your ticking jacket and think about what you’ve done young men. We’ll be over here, behind this lead shield.

Apparently, Twilight fans scare easily. This was proven when fans of the gay vampire movie complained because the trailer before the film – Paranormal Activity 2 – was too scary. Cinema management has since replaced it with the less frightening trailer of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I guess it might explain why a 23 year-old New Zealand man was found dead in a movie theatre after a screening of Eclipse. The cause of death is at present, unknown. It is theorized that his brain rejected him.

Lindsay might be off to jail soon. That should keep her off the booze. Not so much off the crack, heroine and strap-ons.

A UK man named Ian Clark has decided to damn his daughter for all eternity by naming her after Lady Gaga. The unsuspecting baby was dubbed Meggie Maisie Lady Gaga… And a partridge in a pear treeeeeee!

Well daddy man, I hope you’re happy to raise a crack ho, because regular therapy is simply not going to cut it for her.

In South Africa, when a minister has some cash to spend, he usually gets some bling. In Nigeria, a senator decided to buy a new wife. He paid $100 000 to buy a 13-year-old Egyptian girl, his driver’s daughter. After an investigation, it was decided that the senator MAY have violated his country’s child rights laws. The attorney general has yet to file a criminal case.


Is there evidence missing?

It can’t be that difficult. Look for the kid walking around in a wedding veil with a baby called Lady Gaga. I think that might be the right house.

An Australian lawman has come up with a great way to curb illegal gambling in Queensland: Build AusVegas.


And for his next trick, solving heroin addiction through opium dens.

A 15-year-old UK boy has been sentenced to an effective 23-year jail term for killing his ex-girlfriend and her older sister after setting her house alight after she dumped him. Well son, I hope you can moan prison bitch.

Before he becomes Bubba’s real doll, can we send him to visit Meggie Maisie etc. dad? Methinks she’ll forgive the boy afterwards.

And finally… Everyone has had jam from time to time. It’s a staple of the breakfast table. However, would you be keen to try some jam made from one of Princess Diana’s hairs?

Usually, one complains when you find a hair in any food.

However, it seems that one Sam Bompas took a speck of the late princess’ hair, infused it with gin and then combined it with milk and sugar to produce a preserve that apparently tastes like condensed milk.

He calls it “occult jam”. I call it WTF?!

The jam is an exhibit at a surrealist art show. I’m still calling it WTF?!

Now… regardless of how odd and wrong this sounds, here are two points to ponder.

  1. How hungry do you have to be to eat zombie jam?
  2. Secondly, the hair he used to make the jam was purchased off eBay. Can he really be sure it belonged to Lady Diana? Or possibly… manly Doug.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.