August 10, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 3rd of August 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

In my eternal search for stories on and off the net, I noticed something that was simple and, some might say, arbitrary. But it was a realization nonetheless.

Most of us will have heard the term “differently able”. It’s a term used when referring to the handicapped. It is from the same brain trust that brought us that other grotesque evasion: calling the handicapped, the “handi-capable”. Well, I’ve found mounting evidence, almost every day in fact, that there are people among us that should be called the “differently thoughtful”.

They think in different ways. Ways that often lead to destruction. Thankfully, it’s usually their own. You may have encountered the Professors of this group while reading the latest list of Darwin Award winners. But, as with any competition, there are so many names left out. These folks should get an honourable mention.

Well, fear not, because in this world, everyone’s a winner. No one’s left out. So I present you with a list of folks that, if they tried harder, could just make the Darwin Awards list yet. We can only hope.

Comfy?

Right, let’s begin.

Frances Rodriguez’s husband won’t be winning awards for his observational skills any time soon. Mr. Rodriguez awoke on a Saturday morning to find his wife gone. He thought that she might have gone for an early morning walk so he thought nothing more of it. But after 14 hours and still no sign of her, he called the police. The police searched the house first and found Frances, or rather her foot. It was protruding from under a pile of laundry…in the bedroom.

I guess it is possible to get too comfortable with your partner after all.

The police said that Mrs. Rodriguez was sitting on the edge of the bed, fell fowl of an existing medical condition and collapsed into a rack of clothing that fell over her, concealing her.

The police believe she had been there for several days.

Several days?

Are you kidding me? Let me guess… he’s using the old “I had sinusitis so I couldn’t smell my wife’s corpse” routine, huh?

Staying with smashing spouses, Theresa Riggi decided that if she was going to lose the kids in a custody fight, she would do the honourable thing: kidnap them and blow them up.

Wait… what?

Mrs. Riggi was in divorce proceedings with her husband, US oil industry executive, Pasquale Riggi, when she disappeared with their three daughters. The children were found in an Edinburgh townhouse after it was destroyed in a gas explosion. Mrs. Riggi, always planning ahead, was in hospital already having fallen from an upper floor window earlier that day.

Thus bringing new meaning to the term, “I fall down, go boom!”

When it comes to giving people the warm and fuzzies, nothing beats a good old friendly Nazi. And you don’t even have to go far to find one.

Go to Mongolia, where the anti-Chinese Nazis live. That’s right, you too can watch the Chinese being harassed by these Asian Aryans… Asiayrians if you like.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/About/General/2010/8/2/1280761040788/Mongolian-neo-Nazi-group–006.jpg

Apart from misinterpreting right wing doctrine and making the Fuhrer roll over in his ashtray, these guys like to dislike all things Chinese. In one case, the leader of The Blue Mongol (a tad gay, yes?) was convicted of murder after he killed his daughter’s boyfriend.

Although, to be fair, he was justified, at least in his mind.

The boyfriend had the taint of the Orient upon him. He had studied in China. I guess the next logical step will be to print specialised t-shirts for everyone with warning on them like “Caution! May have been conceived by a factory worker that worked with Chinese nuts!!”

If you’ve ever wanted to take your own life, there are simple ways to do it: A gun, a tall building or The Twilight Saga perhaps. But then there’s always someone that once to be remembered for being different. A man in Madison, Wisconsin, decided he wanted to end with death by policeman. So, armed with a screwdriver and a hammer, he started a commotion in his building. Naturally, the police came. And boy, was he excited. He raised the screwdriver over his head and clutched the hammer. They ordered him to drop his weapons. He refused saying that they’d have to kill him.

So they Tasered him.

Later on the hospital, he told them he’d been feeling depressed. But I guess that little shock made him feel just right as rain huh?

If ever you were to spring a surprise attack on someone,there are several prize locations; on the bog, in the shower, driving down Dealey Plaza and so on. But to really nail someone. You have to be sure that they’ll be rendered immobile.

Such was the plan of one Marquavious Bell (I’m not kidding, that’s his name) when he decided to abuse his girlfriend… while she was giving birth!

The police report states that Bell “struck her in the face with an open hand.”

But wait, there’s more. Listen to the dulcet tones of the victim’s own statement.

“The most happiest moment of my life became the worst,” Fox said. “I hated it… He snatched the phone out of my hand, hit the part where you talk at [and] he hit me with it. Then, he repeatedly kept hitting me in the head, slapping and hitting my head.”

Here’s a thought.What the hell was he doing in the delivery room?

Now I don’t mean to sound cruel, but I dun think these two were made for each other y’all!!

And now, a quick round-up of the whacko news:

A man in Sweden is being sued by a hospital for stitching up his own leg. After waiting for an hour to have his gashed leg sewn up, Jonas decided to do the job. The hospital reacted rationally by laying a charge against him of suspicion of criminal dispossession. What? At the most you can get him on is stitching without a license.

President Obama has evened out US drug laws. It seems that for too long the mandatory sentence for possession of crack cocaine was much longer than the sentence for possession of its powdery brother. With the lawchanged, at least now everyone can do the same time. That way, fewer prison romances will be broken up.

Two brothers in Gastonia, North Carolina, got into afight one night. Naturally, things escalated and so, the younger brother Kevin,stapled his older brother’s chin with a staple gun. And why not? If a man has a fat chin, he should be able to get the best surgery drunken rednecks have tooffer. My hero in this story is their dad. He tried to break up the fight by firing a warning shot with a 12 gauge shotgun. Well done pah. Tomorrah, can we try that readin’ stuff again?

A Russian finalist in the World Sauna Championships has died. Contestants willingly sat in a room set to a temperature of 110 degrees Celsius till someone they went ping, the turkey’s done! Look on the bright side folks; we didn’t exactly lose a brain surgeon here.

A 14-year-old California boy has been booked on arson charges after he accidentally started a 40-acre wildfire.

What was he trying to do at the time?

He was trying to light a bong with a braai lighter. Dude, no more weed for you. Your aim is way off. Besides, you can’t smoke the whole bush all at once. FAIL!!

And finally… Did you ever get the feeling that sometimes, people just aren’t putting any effort into their work? That they just aren’t trying anymore? Well never has this been proven more true than last Tuesday when the C-Team of the Taliban decided to attack Kandahar Airfield in Afghanistan. This is one of those cases when epic fail doesn’t even begin to describe what followed. It takes time and planning to screw up so well.

Firstly, the base is home to about 20 000 troops at any given time. The C-Team brought 10 guys. TEN! Were they in power armour or perhaps a small assault vehicle?

Nope.

They decided to wear the standard long and dusty one-piece number with matching sandals and turban. They sent in the guy they liked the least to suicide bomb the fence. Once he’d blown a hole in it, they decided to screw the pooch in grand style. Upon clearing the fence, they had failed to notice that a unit of Canadian Military Engineers on a training exercise had just arrived.

Seconds later, a game of “Pop Goes the Terrorist” was played as the C-Team was mowed down by 25mm cannon fire. To give you someidea of how big an overkill that is, have a look at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcofyBKy8Go

These are the bullets that thing fires:

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/munitions/images/natammo.jpg

Feeling a little inadequate lads?

In response to this, Iran – America’s official enemy for this decade – has started digging mass graves. Why? To bury dead US troops in case of an invasion. Now how can they invade a nation that is so thoughtful? Oh wait, The Ayatollah Khomeini – Grand High Poobah of Islam in Iran – has stated that even though music is halaal, the production of or being associated with music,is strictly forbidden.

Hey, don’t go blaming all of music for the crimes of Justin Bieber.

This concludes this week’s edition of The OpeningMonologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.