March 9, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 9th of March 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The week that was, was a sterling illustration of the old saying “When the cat’s away, the mice will play.” However, it seemed as though while one cat left, several others showed up and jostled for position. Everyone, from the youth league to the church, was trying to be South Africa’s next top honcho.

So let us begin at the beginning.

President Jacob Zuma arrived in the UK to all the pomp and ceremony accorded to a visiting dignitary. Some of the British press greeted our president with all the warmth usually accorded to the French. The right wing Daily Mail described our president with the line “a sex-obsessed bigot with four wives and 35 children. So why is Britain fawning over this vile buffoon?”

The ANC Youth League took the bait and wailed openly saying that it was a racist attack on JZ with spokesperson Floyd Shivambu stating that the British media believed the only acceptable values and principles in the world were British values of whiteness and subjugation of Africans.

He was unable to point out where in their statements this was said. We’re sure it’s there though. The youth league has no reason to lie. He also said nothing about recent racist statements from our own Minister Sicelo Shiceka where he issued a “declaration of war” against white South Africans.

Shivambu continued by saying that the British held and controlled strategic sectors of the South African economy, which made them believe they continued to control the country and its value system. Again he said nothing about how the ANC stood to earn a fortune off of Eskom’s government backed deals with Hitachi.

It would seem that the British are not aware of our “Local is Lekker” rule where if the crime, corruption and bigotry are local, its lekker.

And then Religion came to play. Angus Buchan, an evangelist from Greytown led a group of 15000 at The Union Buildings on Saturday to pray for our president. Buchan stated that if Zuma were to use the Bible as a textbook, he wouldn’t stumble or make mistakes.

So much for the separation of church and state.

Buchan, when questioned said when speaking to JZ he wouldn’t bring up the polygamy issue but felt that JZ would get the message anyway.

He also said “The President of South Africa is looking for constructive support. Don’t criticise him, help him.

“He added that there are no “buts”. The Bible says one should respect people in positions of authority.

Well hallelujah to that. And here we were stupidly thinking that respect had to be earned based on someone’s performance. Silly us.

And then, joy of joys, our own Julius Malema celebrated his birthday in lavish style. With a R703 bottle of Moet in his hand he stated “I’m still living in poverty today, because as long as a neighbour of mine is struggling, I, too, am struggling.”

Struggling with the cork methinks.

Struggling Julius may soon be living that name when SARS audits him for alleged tax evasion. Apparently you can’t openly advertise you’re in the money without someone demanding their cut.

Julius could however plead poverty since he couldn’t afford to give the elderly at his party anything more than bananas, apples and water.

Perhaps they were on a detox. Must be an overdose of Malema Magic.

There were 2 silver linings in government this week though.

We will never go to war. This is because there isn’t enough money in the current defence budget to keep our planes airborne for more than an hour and a half per day and our ships at sea for more than 23 days a year.

On the upside, as certain events last year at The Union Buildings proved, our Army is ready to strike at a moment’s notice. However, they’ll only get guns if the strike is legal.


Plans to bring in Skills Laws for municipalities could see the end of the icon of home affairs: The Blasé Worker. That’s right, after 16 years of democracy it’s been decided that perhaps skills should be a hiring requirement. Who’d have thought?

These skills will replace the current skill set of:

  1. A vacant stare.
  2. An over-developed sense of entitlement and one’s own importance.
  3. Olympic level boredom and disinterest and,
  4. A body mass of at least 200kgs.

Returning to religion for a moment, Pope Benedict XVI’s brother, Georg Ratzinger, said he was never aware of sexual abuse in a famous boys choir in southern Germany that he headed for nearly three decades. It must be tough when they won’t let you play with the other boys.

These allegations are part of a widening sex scandal rocking Germany’s Roman Catholic Church, which includes allegations of abuse at a number of institutions. When asked about the impact of the scandals, Ratzinger who is a bishop, voiced concern about a “certain animosity towards the Church” as well as feelings of “resentment and hostility”.

Well, it’s a funny thing Your Grace but when people are asked to accept the body of Christ, they’re not expecting the beef of the bishop too. No one can recall a visit to a monastic school ever including the phrase, “Down on your knees, NOM, NOM, NOM.”

It would seem that, once again, certain members of The Catholic Church have forgotten that when Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek,” that’s not he was talking about.

And finally… The words Virgin and Paris are seldom seen together anymore but in the suburb of Garges-les-Gonesse hundreds of people have been flocking since February 12th to see an icon of the Virgin Mary “shed tears of oil”, according to the owner.

Esat Altindagoglu stated on Sunday “It’s a small miracle. This is a message sent by the Virgin and her son.” That message being “Buy ELF Oil”.

Esat’s wife Sevim said she was praying before the icon when “I noticed that she was crying. I said to myself ‘this is not normal’.”

The tears seem to have remarkable properties. “A woman came in mid February and explained that she was unable to have a child. She took a bit of oil with a handkerchief and placed it on her belly. Two days ago she called me and said that she could now have a child,” said Sevim.

All this religious fervour does raise a question: Why do so many Catholic practices and miracles include an oily fluid oozing from a virgin?

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.