December 7, 2009

The Opening Monologue – Friday the 7th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.
The festive season has truly begun in earnest and nowhere is that more evident than for our former police commissioner now turned professional trial attendee, Jackie Selebi. On Tueday it was announced that his trial would be postponed till February the 1st 2010. This is so that the state security ministry can challenge the judge’s decision to compel former national intelligence co-ordinator Barry Gilder to testify. Their argument is that he may compromise national security. However state prosecutor, Gerrie Nel, stated that everything Mr. Gilder will testify to is already in the public domain. Not much of a secret then is it? And you guys are in charge of keeping secrets? James Bond would be so proud… OF YOUR EPIC FAIL!!!

If Eskom produced chocolate the same way they produce electricity, they would never get away with their annual 35% rate hike. This was the message from Flip Buys, chief executive of trade union Solidarity. He stated:

“If Cadbury’s needed to build a new chocolate factory, the company wouldn’t increase the price of its chocolates by 35 percent per year to pay for the new factory… the company would be eaten alive by its competitors.”

And what a tasty meal it would be. The morals of that story – Eskom needs competition and if they did produce chocolate, Valentine’s Day and Easter would be perpetually on hold.

Sticking with edibles and comestibles for a moment; on Wednesday the DA called for a probe into food parcels handed out by Julius Malema on behalf of the South African Social Security Agency (Sassa).

Where’s the harm in that you ask?

Well Patrice Kopane, DA spokeswoman on social development pointed out that the Sassa is a state institution funded with public money, is non-partisan and not a political party.

So why was the ANC’s banner flying in the background on the day?

I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that Paseka Letsasi, a senior executive of Sassa, is also a member of the ANC youth league’s national executive committee or that Julius Malema gave a R100 000 statutory Sassa grant to Rosie Claasen; a leading member of the ANC who runs a soup kitchen and a home for orphans.

No sir, no connection whasoever. These are not the droids you’re looking for. *waves hands mystically.*

The presidential hotline seems to have bubbled under. Created so that anyone could report poor service delivery, it has since its inception in September this year fielded over 30000 complaints. Of that number, only a third has been resolved. Apparently, the system can’t handle the sheer volume of calls coming in. So the system designed for reporting poor service delivery is unable to deliver? Methinks there’s a message there somewhere.

Please listen for it after the beep. *BEEP*

Former President Thabo Mbeki should be held accountable for his handling of the AIDS pandemic said the Young Communists League of SA on Wednesday. They also said that a Truth and Reconciliation-type commission should be set up to assess whether or not the former president “is guilty of mass killing.”
However, voices have been raised apposing such a witch-hunt including National Association of People living with HIV/Aids secretary general Nkululeko Nxesi. Raqising , quote:

“We need to spend all the limited resources and time we have in fighting HIV and Aids rather than focusing on fighting people and things that happened in the past. It is important that we move forward and stop trying to settle scores and by being vengeful.”

A valid point.

On vengeance, Winston Churchill said “Nothing is more costly, nothing is more sterile than vengeance.”

Although you have to admit, dressing up Thabo Mbeki in a chicken suit and hurling cream pies at him for an afternoon would be a tad gratifying.

At the 2010 World Cup, you can get arrested by train. The SAPS will have a train with a complete police station and holding cell ready to go for troublemakers. A first of its kind anywhere, inmates will be able to have a cell with a view.
And should they get rowdy,

“Sir, please. Would you like to take this outside?” HONK! HONK!! CLANG!!!

Problem solved.

And finally, by now almost everyone should know that Tiger Woods has admitted to having had at least one “transgression” with several other ladies lining up in the wings to have their 15 minutes of fame. Besides the confessions, depressions and public arbitrations in the media, the strangest story is that of John Ziegler, the pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods.

Ziegler created the church in 1996 to “celebrate the emergence of the ‘true messiah'”.

He has since announced that after much personal evaluation he is dissolving the church and has renamed his website The Damnation of Tiger Woods.

“Tiger is clearly no longer deserving of being seen as a role model.”

Agence France-Presse (AFP) made this fine point.

“Ziegler’s reaction appears to fly in the face of the 10th of the Tiger Commandments – “Thou shall pay no attention to Tiger’s apparent flaws”.

I think someone needs to go bury their head in a bunker and cool off.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.