November 9, 2009
As some of you already know, I was involved in a political satire show on SABC 3 called Last Say On Sunday. It aired, up until 3 weeks ago, on SABC3 on Sunday nights at 9pm.
I was the head writer on the show and one of my jobs was to create an opening monologue with the show’s host Darren Maule. The opening monologue was a brief round up of the week’s past news.
Though the show is now over, I have decided to keep writing the monologue. It keeps me sharp and hopefully helps me exercise some of my funny bones.
So, here it is. The first web installment of The Opening Monologue for the week gone by.
The Opening Monologue – Friday, 6th of November 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.
Edited by The Last Say On Sunday Writing Team.
The week started off with a bang and hasn’t dissipated one bit. The heat is definitely on especially for Glen Agliotti. This week saw his ex fiancé, Dianne Muller take to the stand to give evidence against him. Not sparing the rod on Glen, Miss Muller repeatedly referred to him as a liar. Mr. Agliotti is now learning one of life’s most important lessons: Be nice to your ex because one day she may turn States witness. Not wanting to leave anyone out, she also said that Jackie Selebi’s denials of payments and receiving of gifts was an outright lie. What is that line about a woman scorned?
It’s official. Last week saw Joost Van Der Westhuizen finally admit to what we knew anyway. It was him in a now notorious sex tape originally released by Heat Magazine. His wife, Amor said in a very emotional interview that she didn’t know what the future held but said she was going “to give 110 percent of myself to rebuild our relationship”. Ever the supportive wife, this means that Joost only has to bring 90% to the relationship to make it work so at least some of the pressure is off him.
Students have once again shown their anger through fire and flame this week when on Tuesday night they went on a rampage through the University of Zululand’s campus. A lecture hall was destroyed and the library, computer labs and SRC offices were badly damaged when students stoned the buildings. This is a bit of a turnaround since it’s usually the students that get stoned behind the library. This is the first recorded instance of a library getting stoned. Students were heard to be chanting:
“The Hall, the hall, the lecture hall is on fire.
We don’t need no degree, let the lecture hall burn.
Burn lecture hall, burn!”
The ANC has scorned calls by Numsa – The National Union of Metalworkers of South Africa – to natiolnalise the wealth of Tokyo Sexwale and Patrice Motsepe after they appeared on a list of SA’s 150 richest people. The ANC responded with a line similar to the famous Julius Malema airport quote. They said “What about all the white people?” A valid point since only 20 people on the list are black. Numsa said they don’t want to target specific people. They stated that levels of poverty and inequality are now so bad that the state should intervene. Cosatu General Secretary Zwelinzima Vavi distanced his group from the call. This may have something to do with his salary doubling this year.
The Department of Water Affairs has stated that South Africa faces another Eskom if more money is not made available for massive maintenance. Like with Eskom, funds necessary for key repairs have never been properly allotted. Perhaps certain Ministerial vehicles could be recouped to cover the expenses? This does mean we could have happen to our water what happened to our electricity. So if we had load-shedding with Eskom, can we now expect water-shedding or perhaps a drip-out?
The SABC has appointed a task force to review legislation that would see the end of TV license fees. The public broadcaster has suggested a 1% levy on all viewers to cover the costs of running the SABC. If this law gets passed it won’t be like it was with a TV licence. It’ll no longer be the right thing to do, just the mandatory one. That’s okay. It means that certain quality programming might just get re-commissioned.
Its official, South Africa has joined the first world. How you may ask? Well, it wasn’t the Rainbow Nation or our return to democracy that did it. South Africa is no longer producing the VW Citi Golf, a vehicle traditionally only produced in third world countries. So to South America and China we’d like to say “Das auto ist weg.”
This week’s award for overstating the obvious goes to… Drum Roll please…. Judge Siraj Desai, the Chairperson of the Correctional Supervision and Parole Review Board. In a statement he conceded that Shabir Shaik’s release on medical parole has damaged the credibility of the parole system. To this we’d like to say, thank you, Captain Obvious now go and arrest him.
And finally, Government is probing Julius Malema. Relax. They’re looking into reports that when caught speeding in Limpopo province, Julius threw his political weight around to get out of a fine. It is alleged that on spotting the traffic roadblock, his driver used a blue police light to avoid being stopped, a light he had no authorisation to use. On being pulled over, it’s alleged Julius gave the cops a hard time saying:
“Who do you think you are? Are you not aware that I am Julius, the president of the Youth League? I know that some of you hate me.”
Now Julius, hate is a very strong word. And as head of the Youth League, you should know better. Now go to your room young man and think about what you’ve done.
This concludes this week’s Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all until you’ve heard the Last Say on Sunday.