July 6, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 6th of July 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Every now and then you pick up a newspaper or turn on the nightly news and find yourself in the firing line. Coming at you is a barrage of crap. This crap isn’t the sort you’re used to though. It is word shaped, thought-driven (mostly anyway) and designed to further agendas. Agendas that, sometimes seem so ludicrous that leaves you wondering about the sanity of the speaker.

What you’re about to read is, I hope, a lighter version of the onslaught.

So in keeping with the continuous World Cup highlights reels, here is a recap of the goals, near misses, deliberate falls and off-sides of the week.

South Africa has sold nearly R14 billion worth of weapons to “problematic” countries in the last decade according to the Ceasefire Campaign.

Apparently there’s always someone there to poo-poo the governments fun and this group is no different.

After running out of stadia to build, freeways to widen and Mercedes Benzes to purchase, it seems that our elected officials decided it would be a good idea to sell guns to nations with an axe to grind. The list of how many guns, what kind of guns and to whom they were sold is naturally, sketchy at best. Because Lord knows, they don’t want to scare people.

One has to remember that it’s not the first time SA has sold state-of-the-art bang bangs to the world.

We designed the Rooivalk for the US; sold the G5 and G6 Cannons to Saddam Hussein’s Iraq just before Gulf War 1: First Blood and we also, in our greatest act of stupidity, built 6 or 7 nuclear weapons, depending on which conspiracy theorist you ask.

There were also 2 or 3 nuclear tests in the Prince Edward Islands and the Kalahari Desert. These may or may not have been meteorites, atmospheric anomalies or swamp gas that reflected the light from Venus… depending on which conspiracy theorist you ask.

Ain’t life grand?

This may explain the reason why Albatrosses are so easy to spot out here. Glowing in the dark tends to help.

With all this coming to light, I’d like to make a request of our government.


Speaking of that fine penguin, Jackie Selebi has been found guilty. Now I know some of you may have forgotten that that trial was still going on but, yes indeed, it’s finally over. They did give him time to enjoy the rest of the World Cup. He is to be sentenced on July 14th. This should give Glen Agliotti just enough time to buy Selebi more shoes. Even in jail, style matters.

Unconfirmed reports say that Selebi looked ill as he was leaving the court. It’s possible that he too may develop Shaik-a-titus once behind bars.

And not to be left out, the ANC Youth League decided to break the welcome silence by saying that Selebi’s conviction was a lesson to the ANC.

“The ANC Youth League hopes that the verdict will be a lesson to many leaders of the ANC, alliance and all leaders in South Africa that going against the law can tarnish a person’s image,” spokesperson Floyd Shivambu said in a statement.

*Cough* Irony *Cough*

They then added that Sports Minister Mahkhenkesi Stofile should be fired for not being a public showboat during the World Cup.

It seems that the idea of someone that simply does their job without the need for the limelight is totally alien to the Youth League.

However, it seems that the brain rot prevalent in the organization hasn’t spread to the KZN branch of the Youth League. They defended Minister Stofile for his work, stating that he had done a good job.

See that lads? No shouting, no screaming, just a simply-worded compliment. Try it sometime.

Eskom has just awarded its executives a 25% pay hike. At the same time they struggled to understand why wage negotiations with unions were going so poorly. I can see their point… It’s hard to see clearly since it’s sticking out of their worker’s backs, but it is there… Trust me.

Three men were arrested after attending a funeral in Lotus Gardens. They arrived at the funeral in a stolen car that they had pilfered that day. One has to wonder at the logic. Were they hoping for protection from the sacred earth? The police aren’t vampires. Daylight and holy ground don’t work.

Or perhaps they thought that if the gunfight went sour, at least they wouldn’t have far to go.

Woolworths has decided that it too can give the gift of alcoholism to suburbia. They are branching out into selling not just their spiffy wines but now, also hard tack. The reason being that when you are posh, a brown paper bag and a whino at the door, just won’t in Houghton.

After several deaths over the past few years, tourists are starting to realise that Table Mountain has “a dangerous side.” Apparently, it’s the side you fall from, very hard, onto the cold, cold ground.

Or perhaps, and this is just a theory, it’s got a dangerous side… Because it’s a damn mountain!

My advice to those attempting a climb:

  1. Because it’s there, is not a good enough reason.
  2. It’s a mountain, take a guide. Preferably one that’s local. (Not a Bergie.)
  3. If you really want to the grandeur of Cape Town from up high, might I suggest Google Earth.

And speaking of getting high, an SAA cabin crew member was busted trying to smuggle 3kg’s of cocaine in her panties, into the UK. She’s a girl, with 3 kilos of coke in her undies… did no one see the bulge? Or are we being that politically correct since the Caster Semenya debacle?

Apparently she was caught by the sniffer dogs. They were real friendly, like all junky dogs looking to score, would be.

Staying with Junkies, Paris Hilton was very briefly on the business end of the SA policing system but thankfully, no footage was taken. She and a friend were busted for dagga possession outside Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium in Port Elizabeth. One can understand the situation. It’s P.E., there’s nothing to do.

Charges were dropped against Hilton when her friend, former Playboy Playmate for July 1999, Jennifer Rovero, pleaded guilty to possession, paid the fine and was given 14 days by Home Affairs to leave SA.

A shame really. Can’t we send Paris away and keep the friend? At least the friend is hot when she gets her kit off.

Paris said that there were no hard feelings and that she still loves SA. I’ll bet. If there were any hard feelings, the cameras would’ve caught it.

The UK’s new conservative government has started putting in place new laws to cap non-EU migration into their country. Which begs the question: So who’s going to clean your toilets then, smart guys? If the latest dole statistics are anything to go by, the poor folk of Hull aren’t going to be that keen.

Britney Spears has launched her own fashion line for school girls. The collection is called Britney for Candie’s. Now every school girl that’s ever wanted to have an unwanted teen pregnancy can now dress for success. Y’all.

The war on drugs in Mexico pales in comparison to the war on Mexican musicians. Apparently the latest trend to hit Mexcio is singers that sing about and glorify drug barons. This then leads to reprisal attacks from rival drug gangs.

And you thought Tupac had it bad.

One such singer, Sergio Vega, reported that he was alive in answer to news reports that he was dead. He was then shot and killed. The moral of that story: If it keeps you alive, play dead doofus.

France has passed a law stating that mental violence is a crime too. This law is aimed at prosecuting men that abuse their ladies in verbal and psychological ways. One only has to be a little paranoid to see that this could easily be the start of legislation against thought crimes. Viva George Orwell, viva!

Not to be left behind, South Korea has just approved chemical castration for sex offenders. Meanwhile, North Korea continues with its programme of intellectual castration. Starting with their national football team. No more balls for them.

The US has started another wave of arrests in the war on cyber piracy. Yaaar!! It seems they have seized the booty of several websites that were offerin’ movies fer download moments after the films had shown in theatres. Yaaar!!

Methinks they be wantin’ all the chic flicks fer themselves! Aaaarh!

And keeping with thought crimes, Stephanie Meyer, the creator of the famed gay sparkly vampire series – Twilight – has cranked out another shiny pearl. This one is aimed at young readers and continues Meyer’s drive to spread the principals of “no handholding with vampires before marriage” that made the Twilight Saga such a success. But, would you believe that Stephanie Meyer’s stories of furtive kisses and Edward’s perfect face isn’t the worst thing out there? I was surprised too. It seems that a Seattle writer, Molly Ringle, won this year’s bad writing competition with the following line wherein she compares a kiss to a thirsty gerbil drinking from a giant water bottle.

“Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.”

Wow… I’m turned on, how about you?

And finally… If you’ve ever wondered if you could run your own magazine, then the answer is yes. This fact has been proven positive after Al-Qaeda launched its own recruitment magazine called “Inspire”. The Magazine will give young jihadists all the info they need to further their shortlived careers as martyrs.

I’ll bet the Agony Aunt is a great help.

I have no friends.

You’re carrying a bomb. Recruit them into your cell, then blow yourself up.

I have low self esteem.

We can help. Come blow yourself up.

I have trouble achieving orgasm.

Blow yourself…up.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.