April 6, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 6th of April 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week was a truly mixed bag that showed you can’t put all your eggs in one basket (Sorry, had to be done).

It was pandemonium. Racist songs and paedophile priests; U.S. unrest and Russian bombings – who says we have nothing to be thankful for? Then Easter flew into our hearts to cap the week, raising our sugar levels and giving every child a reason to mutilate a chocolate bunny in ways that would normally make you think they were auditioning to be Dexter Morgan. With all this on the table, let’s get cracking

Gentlemen, start your yokes!

PLEASE NOTE: There won’t be any mention of the murder of Eugene Terre’Blanche in this episode. For my take on that, please go here:


Julius Malema is still alive. Most of you should remember that the PAC Youth League had promised to “injure him to death” by now. Well, they’ve realised the error of their ways. The confusion over who organised the Sharpville uprising wasn’t caused by Julius at all. The real culprit is Nelson Mandela.

Wait, what?

Allow Youth League president Pitso Mphasha to explain:

“Our intelligence has revealed that Julius Malema is a pawn of Nelson Mandela.”

The PACYL want copies of Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom taken off bookshelves because his account of the massacre is flawed according to them.

“It will be very useless if we deal with the symptom and not deal with the disease. We must engage with the disease,”said Mphasha.

I’m sorry, just so that I’m clear on this, Madiba’s the disease? Okey-dokey. And what of the “injure him to death” part?

The PACYL said they’d simply chat with Madiba to sort things out. In a bizarre twist, the Pan Africanist Youth Congress, Payco, issued a statement distancing itself from the league’s comments saying that the league was a breakaway faction and that Payco saw no point in murdering fellow Africans. The PAC Youth League took its foot out of its mouth long enough to say that Payco was the breakaway faction and not them. And with all this bickering going on, who knows, someone could get injured to death out there. We can only hope.

Meanwhile, someone decided to put out a hit on Julius.

Surprising, I know.

A recent sms campaign promised R2 million to whomever capped our Designated Distraction Man (DDM). The ANC reacted by blaming the Freedom Front Plus. They claim that their “Prosecute Malema” campaign is “meant to incite, instigate and mobilise some people to harm and even lead to the execution of the ANCYL president.”

They said nothing about the PACYL’s “injure him to death” campaign though.

Lads, I think you’ll find that the FF+ said “Prosecute Malema” not “Persecute Malema”. Once again, clue is in the wording.

But if turnabout is fair play then surely the FF+ could say that their campaign to put the singer of “Kill the boer” in jail has no correlation with the death threats he received. This is the same logic the ANC is using when they purport that “Kill the boer” is not hate speech.

ANC spokesperson Ishmael Mnisi reiterated, “The campaign is meant to incite the South African populace, particularly the Afrikaner community, against the president of the youth league. It poses a danger to the personal safety and security of [Comrade] Malema.”

Now don’t you dare take anything away from Julius. Good old DDM is doing a fine job inciting people all on his own.

However, Julius may have suspected that it was time to seek a broader perspective. He decided to head to a place of safety.

Where everybody knows his name and they’re mostly glad he came.

He wanted to be where he could see our troubles are all the same.

He wanted to be where everybody knows his name.

Zim-bab-we here we come!!

But then, true to form, even on foreign shores Julius couldn’t keep the diplomatic flag flying. JZ had just left and like a political swamp donkey, DDM went hee-haw-splish-splashing through the countryside, muddying the only recently-settled water by deciding to visit the Zanu-Pf and completely spurning the MDC as though they were the ugly colonialist’s daughter at the dance.

Why did he only visit the Zanu-Pf? Because he’s doing research on the best way to implement nationalization of mines and farms. Logic dictates that maybe he’s in Zim to see the worst possible way of doing things so that he’ll know what to avoid, right?

Nay nay. Julius thinks the Zimbabwean method is just dandy and can’t wait to try it out here.

Malema described the Zanu-Pf as “a revolutionary party” and he was there to learn about Zimbabwe’s “revolutionary empowerment programmes”. In layman’s terms a revolutionary party is one that keeps going around in a circle thus always ending up back in the same pile of poop.

And then, as if by coincidence, our government is challenging a ruling that allows Zimbabwean farmers booted out during the Zanu-Pf land grab to seize Zim assets in S.A. as compensation. This is the same ruling that the South African Development Community (SADC) passed against Zim in 2008 and Robert Mugabe summarily ignored. I think it’s a fair trade. Zimbabwe gets Julius and the farmers get a house. President Mugabe, think of it this way. You’re not losing a house. You’re gaining a showboat.

Meanwhile, in the sporting arena, local World Cup authorities have followed China’s lead in continued pre-game preparations with the traditional eviction of the homeless. How one evicts a person without a home is beyond me. Zimbabweans across the countryside have been sent packing. The possible logic being “While you’re taking Julius, here, have these back too.”

Also, Caster Semenya said she’ll still compete even though her case is still to be resolved despite Athletics South Africa saying the results of her gender test will only be available in June. One is to assume then that the plan now is to stop her from competing by having her die of old age. How long do these tests take? Did they send off the samples to Tibet? Is the lab tech a Sherpa too? This would never happen on C.S.I. Ask yourselves, What Would Grisham Do?

Internationally, The Vatican is under siege from an ever growing tide of kiddie fiddling suits. Last Monday, a Vatican Cardinal stated that there was no link between the required priestly vow of celibacy and the recent spate of paedophilia scandals. This makes sense because clearly the priests involved are anything but celibate. And now it seems that it’s all coming to a head, so to speak.

A U.S. lawyer is trying to bring the pontiff himself to book in a class action lawsuit filed in the state of Kentucky. He claims he has a 1962 document that proves current Pope and the Vatican itself knew of the problem and ordered its priests never to report the case to the authorities. Since Benedict is the boss fella, he would then be liable. The document “Crimen Sollicitationis” – Latin for “crimes of solicitation” describes how church authorities should deal with cases of abuse of children by priests, cases where sex is solicited in the confessional and cases of homosexuality and bestiality.

I think they said it best in Broken Arrow: “I don’t know what’s scarier, molestation of children, or that it happens so often and in so many variations that there are actually terms for it.”

Never should the following be uttered in confession: “I know I’ve sinned father but can you wear the gimp suit this time?”

And here’s why the lawsuit will never happen.

If Pope Benedict XVI is called to testify, it could set a legal precedent. Foreign courts could question the U.S. president about actions taken by the C.I.A. The U.S. is currently immune from prosecution by The World Court in The Hague.


But they have nothing to hide. Apart from gun running, drug running, arming dictators and training terrorists it’s all good. Isn’t it? Guys?

Speaking of war crimes, the Serbian government has apologised to the Bosnian Muslim victims of the 1995 Srebrenica Massacre of some 8000 people. They didn’t do anything about it, they just apologised. And they didn’t call it “Genocide”. I suppose they just injured them to death. This pointless apology comes on the heels of Serbia wanting to join the E.U. Libya pulled the same stunt when it made reparations for its part in the Lockerby Bombings that vaporised most of that village. So let’s recap, practitioners of genocide, professional funders of terrorism and an army of paedophile priests. Ain’t Europe grand?

In the U.S., it seems that God’s warriors, all nine of them were arrested in a raid by the F.B.I. after they decided it was time to kick off the Apocalypse and kill the soldiers of Evil i.e. the police. The militia Group calling themselves the Hutaree or Christian Warrior had the cunning plan of serving Jesus through murder. Cops are, as we all know, the soldiers of the “new world order” and must be severely smote. The groups plan was to kill one officer and then attack the funeral.

A sort of Biblical buy one, get one free deal. Proving once again that religion can be fun till it involves guns.

And finally… corporal punishment might be wrong in the eyes of many but one child will definitely think twice before his next tantrum. Two officers from the central Indiana police department used a stun gun on a 10-year old unruly child after responding to a call at a home care centre. The officers said that when they arrived, the boy was out of control, hitting and kicking and refusing to listen to them. So they tazered him. They said he cried at first but was later fine.

He may have needed a change of underwear but they didn’t say. If shocking kiddies caught on, one wonders what the ad campaign would say.

Is your child just too loud? Eskom, give your child a rolling blackout.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.