October 5, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 5th of October 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

A new month has dawned and with it the hope that species may finally understand that because you can doesn’t necessarily mean you should. However, this doesn’t mean that we should be resting on our laurels. The gene pool still needs way too much chlorine to be comfortable. Our collective eyes are still burning so the cull must continue.

However, I do start this week with a glimmer of hope, albeit a distant one.

Julius Malema will be gone by April 2011!!

Yes, it’s true! The King of Foot-in-Mouth, the Lord of Poo-Poo Mouth, our very own superhero – Designated Distraction Man – will be out of here come next year. Try not to start counting the days right away.

Few can forget how, in April 2008, South Africa got its most vicious April fool’s Joke as JM took office. But, with less than seven months to go, one can only wonder if it’ll happen again.

Julius certainly isn’t making friends on the way out: a few choice words to various government leaders including Nzelinzima Vavi and a public spat with President JZ; the continual need to nationalize the mines and wonderful comments on Helen Zille, have left him with no bridges left to torpedo.

Just a noisy foghorn in the mist of his own belligerence.

. There is a slight chance Julius could be granted an extension till June. Some might say that this is unfair, but SA comedians may be on the list of people that are sad to see him go. With Julius leaving, where are we to find free material? Oh wait… we still have Parliament.

Never mind lads! The jokes on them!!

There’s a reason Strictly Come Dancing will never be done in Turkey: its way too violent. A New Zealand court convicted a Turkish of assaulting his wife. The man’s defence: he and his wife were celebrating a profitable lunchtime’s trade with a traditional dance called kolbasti, which features mock wrestling, hitting and kicking.

This is the kolbasti



Just a dance, huh? I guess next you’re going to tell me you were just cleaning your fist and it went off.

Zimbabwe is not known for its great decision makers. However, one has to be fearful of the mental faculties – or lack thereof – that it takes to believe this next story. A Zimbabwean woman called Nomatter Tagarira convinced several high level Zim government people that she could get diesel from a rock. It used to be blood now its fossil fuel. And they say there’s been no progress on the planet.

And it was a great con too. When she stroked a rock, an assistant would open a tap to a secret tank and the fuel would come gushing out of the stone. In response, they reacted calmly. Since she could solve the country’s crippling fuel shortage, they gave her £1.7 million, a farm, an armed guard and one time, a 50-vehicle convoy, to carry out her sacred BS.

“Thank you, thank you, but I couldn’t have done it without the help of the guy that rigs your elections.”

You read right. Tobaiwa Mudede, the registrar general in charge of the issue of all personal documentation, the guy that signed off on all the gear they gave her, had originally supplied Tagarira with 125 litres of diesel fuel to use in her performances.

After the administration woke up to the hoax, Mudede hid the BS medium from the police.

However, no action is known to have been taken against Mudede, who has been in charge of managing elections for most of the last 30 years, including a decade of disputed polls.

The medium, on the other hand, has been sentenced to three or more years in Chikurubi Prison. Oh well, I guess that’s fair. I mean, how dare she con the con artists? They fought long and hard to get to the pinnacle of their fields.

Now go sit in your cell and think about what you’ve done young lady.

America may be facing a new wave of attacks very soon and this time, from Mother Nature. After the BP oil spill that would not die, lawmakers have decided that the American Pygmy Rabbit,


is not worthy of being put on the endangered species list.

“But, the pygmy rabbit is the smallest and one of only two rabbits in North America that make its own burrows. And he’s so cute too.” Cried the bunny huggers.

“Well tough luck,” says the government. “The little guy will just have to learn to live in a trailer park like the rest of forgotten America. Besides, if we protect him, how are we going to profit from all these energy and farming projects that are coming up? It’s not like the bunny can drive a tractor.”

“Well, you have a point there,” said the now-tree huggers. “I guess you’re on your own, fuzzy.”

“Ah, crap,” said the bunnies “Where the hell is Bugs Bunny when you need him?!”

“Never fear,” said the local Al-Qaeda rep. “I will give your life meaning again, now put on this jacket, find an infidel’s home and burrow for all you’re worth!”

Yeah, look at me like I’m crazy, it could happen. Leave the damn bunnies alone!

In response to the possibility of an all out bunny blasting brigade, Las Vegas has built a death ray. MGM Resorts International has a very swanky hotel and condominium complex called Vdara in Vegas. The twit that designed it thought it would be a wonderful idea to make it look like this.



For those of you without basic science, realize that that monstrosity is a giant solar convergence panel. It collects, focuses and then reflects blazing desert sunshine, capable of melting plastic and singing hair.

And what was MGM’s reaction to this?


They decided to give out more umbrellas, and in emergencies, asbestos.

How is Al-Qaeda not winning this war? When your enemy willingly builds a death ray – worthy of a James Bond villain – in their own back yard all you have to do is sit back and wait for the smell of macon in the morning.

A recent US survey has shown that though Atheists and Agnostics don’t believe in God, they know a fair amount about him.

Some of the survey results include:

  1. More than four-in-10 Catholics do not know that their church teaches that the bread and wine used in Communion actually become the body and blood of Christ.
  2. About half of Protestants cannot correctly identify Martin Luther as the person who sparked the Protestant Reformation.
  3. Less than half identified Buddhism as the Dalai Lama’s religion, 51 percent knew that Joseph Smith was Mormon and 54 percent correctly said the Koran is the Islamic holy book. More than 80 percent knew that Mother Teresa was Catholic.
  4. Nine-in-10 Americans know U.S. Supreme Court rulings do not allow teachers to lead public school classes in prayer. But two-thirds incorrectly said Supreme Court rulings prevent them from using the Bible as an example of literature.

So, in the end this survey proves what most of should know: Atheists and Agnostics know so much about religion because:

  1. You can’t poke fun at folks unless you know all the facts.
  2. Know your enemy when they come knocking on a Sunday morning.

Celebrity product endorsements are nothing new. Pierre Spies flogs OUTsurance, Joost supports the cocaine cartels and strippers. In the end, it’s all about good business savvy.

So it’s a special time when a celebrity-endorsed cereal advertises a sex line number that supposed to be for a charity.

The sex line or the charity, bubba? Here’s a thought, next time you get a number, check it first.

“The wrong number was given by the Feed the Children charity,” Ochocinco’s agent Robert Bailey said. “It’s a shame because it’s a good cause.”

The charity or the sex line, bubba?

Here are some other points of note from across the sea:

A St. Louis man has beaten the odds and won the lottery, twice. All together now…


The Boston Fire Department received a donation that will allow the supply of small oxygen masks designed for pets. Don’t animals have a heightened sense of smell? Surely they would be the first to leave when the smoke hits the fan. So basically we’re not only saving dumb people from fire and asphyxiation, we’re saving their pets too. Great guys, this why the gene pool is in the crapper.

What?! I’m just saying.

And finally… Star Wars is set to make a comeback… Oh goody. *facepalm*


Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of the Star Wars Hexalogy.. However…

George Lucas still isn’t done flogging that bag of bones of a dead horse. The Hexalogy will be now converted to 3D so that geeks the world over can be conned into seeing the same six films yet again.

And why not, says I? You just keep doing what you do George and don’t listen to those “normal” swine. When you think about it… there is an upside.

You want a reason to look forward to a 3D Star Wars movie?

Bring on the 3D Princess Leia Bronze Bikini!!



I know it only covers one movie, but hell, I’m not Yoda.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.