May 4, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 4th of May 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

After a few weeks of volcanic eruptions and earthquakes, it was only natural that the next theme for the week would be things that go BOOM! From volcanoes to poorly executed terror attacks, the plots thickened worldwide. Locally there were amusements aplenty when, once again, the remedial portion of our population decided to share its opinions with the rest of us.

So let’s begin with the bang that almost was.

Nissan was dealt a serious blow to its reliability record this week when one of their Pathfinders broke down in Time Square before it could be detonated. Overloading seems to be the culprit here. It was packed to capacity with propane gas canisters, gasoline, wires, two clocks and fireworks. So at least the blast would’ve been pretty to look at if viewed from a safe distance… like New Jersey.

The faulty car bomb was first noticed by a t-shirt salesman/Vietnam veteran. He saw the car smoking and alerted the police.

“Smoking in public is illegal so I knew that this would be trouble.” he said.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg described the bomb as an “amateurish” but potentially deadly attempt to create a fireball. “It’s a good thing they didn’t use a Fiat Uno instead.”

An internet video allegedly from a Pakistani Taliban group, Tarik-e-Taliban claimed responsibility for the botched attack.

“We send our deepest apologies for this lack lustre performance, our usual bomb-maker is off sick and we had to use, Jamal, new guy, instead.”

President Obama was briefed on the incident. He immediately responded by sending a LOL EPIC FAIL email to Al-Qaeda. The terrorist group responded by distancing itself from the attack stating that it was a sad and shameful moment for terrorism worldwide.

On to Europe where Italy’s public safety chief decided to give his country a collective bowl movement by announcing that Mt. Vesuvius could vaporise between 2 and 5 million people IF it ever wakes up. This is not unlike saying that Ozzy Osbourne could be coherent IF he ever wakes up.

This latest revelation comes after Iceland’s Mt. Unpronounceable blew its stack several weeks ago shutting down air traffic worldwide. Since then, Italy has felt left out and wants to prove that it can still shake the pillars of heaven when it comes to volcanic destruction.

“The gauntlet has been thrown down and we have picked it up. Though Vesuvius hasn’t done a tour since 1944, we feel it’s time for a comeback. Not only can we shut down air traffic but we hope to turn the surrounding ocean to acid too.”

Further afield, unconfirmed reports have surfaced of members of the U.S. Geological Survey writing “Go Baby! Go!!” on the side of Mount St. Helens.

Locally, it seems that ATM hunting season is still open. Police discovered 2500kgs of commercial explosives during a raid on a house in the South of Johannesburg.

“We suspect that the explosives were to be used to blow up ATMs.” said Lieutenant Colonel Lungelo Dlamini.

ATMs usually come in sizes ranging from 4 to 6 feet tall but recent unconfirmed reports of roving gangs of 20 foot tall ATMs have authorities worried.

“There is concern that some citizens will feel tempted to attack these lumbering cash-carrying behemoths in these recessive times. Giant ATMs are usually rather docile and tend to stay in one place upon finding a mall to roost in. We’re more concerned with collateral damage to surrounding stores.” Says ATM Anthropology expert Moola Cashman.

An 18 year old woman and a 22 year old man were in the house at the time of the raid on Friday morning. Police didn’t believe the story that the detonations of the explosives would be used as the backing track for Danny K’s new Kwaito remix of Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay. The suspects later claimed that the explosives were to be used to celebrate Diwali.

Some people go out with a bang, but a few arrive because of one. Or in this case several. Germany has found a way to deal with its surplus of paedophile priests. They’ve decided to go the commercial route of exporting them overseas. And it seems South Africa is the first to receive a surprise delivery.

Surprise because the German authorities didn’t feel the need to tell parishioners they were getting a porn-wielding, liquor-plying kiddie fiddler. South Africa does have a long history with German men and child molestation; just ask the street kids at the traffic lights. So the question would then be why they would send this man here.

For starters, he had his own set of commandments which he stuck too religiously so to speak:

  1. Thou shalt fondle boys in a parish sauna. (Question 1: Why the hell is there a parish SAUNA?! Is there a parish massage parlour too? Is this where one unwinds after an exorcism?)
  2. Thou shalt allow boys to smoke cigarettes and hashish.
  3. Thou shalt give away cellphones, gaming consoles and notebook computers. (Question 2: How long did these kids accept these gifts for before they realised they were the girlfriend?)
  4. Thou shalt fondle a boy in front of witnesses and place the boy in thine bed. (Question 3: Witnesses? This guy’s got balls. And he’s touched several more.)
  5. Thou shalt have a victim called Christopher to allege that he was given dagga to smoke, which made him defenceless.
  6. Thou shalt feed thy victims as much schnapps as they want, then put them in a bed, take off their clothes and abuse them.
  7. Thou shalt keep thine computer filled with pornography, and be active on online sex lines. (Question 4: What, were the boys not enough for you greedy bastard?!)
  8. Thou shalt have sex toys and lubricant on the night stand. (Question 5: That should be the international sign for run away, surely? Didn’t the diocese visit at some point and see the party favours? No it’s not a lampshade padre! Arrest that guy!!)
  9. Thou shalt have a collection of pubic hair kept in organised plastic jars in ones private study. (Question 6: Did he sort them by thickness, colour and shine? I stand corrected… That is the international sign for run away.)
  10. Thou shalt make videos and take photos of your sex acts. (Question 7: Can one assume that this is how he kept the computer filled?)

In his defence he could say that he was just filled with his own brand of religious fervour. But one must remember father, when Jesus said “Suffer the little children; come unto me” that’s not what he was talking about!

Now I understand, he was sent here because SA children are more likely to defend themselves. Or at least charge extra.

However there is stupidity and bad judgement everywhere. Transnet says that unless its demands are met, 50000 workers will strike over poor wages, bringing the country to a true standstill. The strike would affect food and fuel delivery as well as any other cartage countrywide. One has to wonder how long they’d be able to keep it up. When the food runs out, it’s their fault and their families will turn on them and hopefully eat them.

And how are they going to get to marches when the busses meant to take them there have no fuel because they didn’t deliver it?

This pales in comparison to comments made by Cosas (The Congress of SA Students). They are calling for the closure of all Afrikaans medium schools.

“Cosas condemns any racial tendencies that seeks to close doors of learning for the black African students, who are indigenous people of this country and Africa at large by having foreign, unoriginal Afrikaans as a medium of instruction in some racist schools, more especially in the West Rand region under racist Afrikaners management,” a statement from Gauteng provincial secretary Oagile Louw said.

“We therefore call… for the immediate closure of such schools.”

Cosas said that the sane reaction is to simply close these schools instead of getting the bad management out. When asked about the students already studying there they said that they were working on it, we shouldn’t rush them and they’d have an answer as soon as they could find one in an African language… or English.

When asked why Africans could lobby for instruction in their home language but Afrikaans students could not, they stated that Afrikaans is the language of the foreigner. It was then explained that Afrikaans was invented by coloured people during the early settler years upon which The Opening Monologue was called an agent and a bastard and escorted out.

And finally… There’s never a cop around when you need one but sometimes you don’t even have to call. A police officer lost control of his unmarked car, a VW Golf 5, shot off the M1 North and smashed through the roof of a house in Xavier, Johannesburg South.

The vehicle cleared the high fence and landed in dead centre damaging the bedrooms and bathrooms. The officer was taken to the Garden City Hospital and has been charged with reckless and negligent driving.

However, no charge of housebreaking has been laid.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.