August 3, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 3rd of August 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week I thought I’d try something a little different. It seems that fortune and good friends have blessed me with a wealth of stories that, while bearing no great weight of importance when it comes to world affairs, still need to be told. What these stories did show me is that the planet is filled with some truly special, demented, creepy, nutty, irresponsible and stupid people. It is those people that I will present to you tonight. On the upside, for the rest of your days, if you ever feel yourself slipping towards madness, you can take heart in the fact that you are nowhere near the house of dementia that these people inhabit.

So let’s start in Asia. Malaysia actually…

Religious fundamentalism is a part of the daily human experience in this new century and it seems that for most of its followers, it has become less fun and more mental. This was proven recently when Islamic clerics in Malaysia decided to strike a firm blow for good taste. They have banned the wearing of Manchester United kit in public. The reasoning is that the shirt bears the red devil – the club symbol – and have branded it “dangerous and unislamic.” Man U fans responded rationally, accusing the nation’s imams of being Liverpool supporters.

I guess these lads prefer to walk alone.

Also on the do-not-wear list is anything that has Christian symbols on it which puts Brazil, Portugal and Serbia out of the running.

One has to wonder… are they planning to host a world cup at some point and are simply thinning the herd?

Keep in mind that the other spanking good idea they had was the banning of yoga because of its links to the Hindu faith.

What’s next? Banning the Twilight saga for its homosexual overtones?

However, not to be outdone, The Vatican has extended its ban on revealing outfits in St. Peter’s Basilica. The modesty ban now covers the whole of the Vatican city-state. Now, should you want to visit the Pontiff’s Palace, best you hide your knees and shoulders. Some might scoff at this saying that a group known for kiddie fiddling should be the last to squawk about modesty. But let’s think about it, they have done all the research on bad practices, now it’s time to put it into action. Either that, or open a theme park called Casa De Pedo-Bear.

Policing this new dress code are the Swiss Guards, the Pope’s personal protection force. If you ever wanted to know what a meringue with an axe to grind looks like… look no further.

Sometimes the love goes right out of a relationship. You can get so bored that you hardly realise that the other person is there. This might have been the case with a paralysed Austrian man that died recently in Vienna.

Some of you might want to skip ahead. This part is rather icky

He was eaten by maggots, in his bed, while his partner slept beside him.

I told you to skip ahead.

The 61-year old retiree had been paralysed from a stroke for several years and since then hadn’t liked to be washed according to his 34-year old partner.


So she just left him there.

For several years.

Till he was being eaten alive by maggots.

They slept next to each other every night and she didn’t notice?

Didn’t she once think, “Wow, he’s really getting thin. And what the heck is that chewing noise?”

I guess the song was right. He’s lost that loving feeling.

If you go out in the woods today

you’re sure of a big surprise.

If you go out in the woods today

you’d better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was

will gather there for certain, because

Today’s the day they break in your house and steal your car.

The bears are revolting and I don’t mean the ones from Chicago. In two separate incidents, bears have been committing high crimes. A black bear in Laconia, New Hampshire, walked into a house and helped itself to fruit, a drink from the goldfish bowl and a toy bear before being scared off by an opening garage door. 2000 miles away in Larkspur, Colorado, a bear climbed into a car, a 2008 Toyota Corolla. It then closed the door; put the car in neutral activated the hazard lights and rode that sucker backwards, 38m down an embankment and into a thicket of trees.

All the way it screamed, “Dude, this ain’t my car!!”

It has been decided that there is far too much fornication going on in the state of Florida. In response to this terrible situation, a professor at the University of Central Florida has created an interactive video game to curb young girls’ enthusiasm.

The game – costing 434000 federal tax dollars – will teach young girls how to ignore the sexual advances of boys with wood. It’s only fair since World of Warcraft is already protecting the virginity of young men worldwide.

However, the curbing of adolescent sex may be detrimental to their learning capacity. A recent study performed on rats by Princeton University scientists has found that sex can actually grow your brain and let you live a life with less angst and stress.

But, I hear you thinking, then pornstars should be geniuses. There is an answer. The scientists say that regular but not daily sex is beneficial to cell proliferation.

Put simply, a hump every two weeks will give you rosy cheeks.

But a hump a day may not keep the dumbass away.

This can be clearly illustrated by a Cleveland man that got married to a second wife while still being legally married to his first. His first wife found out about the second wife… through pictures posted on Facebook!

And here’s the husband’s excuse: According to the husband’s lawyer, the first marriage isn’t legal because of a clerical error that occurred in Italy where they were wed. Wife number one has had two children by him. That’s a big clerical error. And I’m guessing they’re not bastards either. Nope. That title is reserved for daddy.

If you take anything from this tale, realise that Facebook has at least shown all of us who in our lives can be trusted and who the stupid people really are.

Ann Rice, author of Interview With a Vampire declared on her Facebook page that she is no longer Christian. She said she refused to be Christian anymore because she couldn’t be “anti gay, anti-feminist and anti-artificial birth control.”

Unconfirmed reports say that the true cause of this declaration was when Rice’s Lestat fell in love with Stephanie Meyer’s Edward Cullin. Apparently, you can now see the forest sparkling from space.

If you’ve ever thought you should be kinder to your grandparents, spare a thought for Tokyo’s oldest man. Sogen Kato had just celebrated his 111th birthday but when city officials came to visit him they found him dead. He had been dead for about 30 years.

But wait, there’s more.

Authorities had repeatedly tried to call on the famous old man but were always chased off by relatives. Upon finally forcing their way into the house, they found Mr. Kato, or rather his mummified corpse, dressed in pyjamas and underwear – in case the afterlife got scary, I suppose – and covered with a blanket. The family’s story is that he confined himself to his room 30 years ago and became a living Buddha. In the meantime, his relatives had the presence of mind to keep collecting his welfare cheques.

A case of DO NOT DISTURB being taken too far.

And finally… Have you ever seen a YouTube clip or watched the actions of someone at a braai and thought “WTF?!” Well, it can be safely assumed that that’s exactly the kind of reaction the lads at BrewDog in Aberdeenshire were going for. BrewDog makes beer, some of the strongest in the world with two of its products having a 32% and 41% alcohol content respectively. Their latest product, called The End of History, has an alcohol content of 55%!

Now while your liver is reeling from the shock, your wallet may as well get in line. The beer is selling for £500 or R5800.

But wait, there’s more.

How would you expect to receive this bottle of liver rot?

In a stylish carrying case? Perhaps borne on the backs of vestal virgins?


The lads at BrewDog thought it would be brilliant to hand you this fine bottle of hooliganism wrapped… in roadkill. That’s right. You can down this fabulous Chateau Chunder while eye to eye with a dead stoat. Several in fact. The bottles were made with seven dead stoats, four squirrels and a hare… just to give it that extra kick I guess. Have look for yourself.

Despite the obvious public outcry, the lads assured everyone that the animals used were roadkill. At whose hands, one wonders?

Next time you need a thought to clear your mind, conjure up this story. And never let it be said that you don’t know what WTF looks like.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.