March 2, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 2nd of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

If television is to be believed, in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

However, it helps if the paperwork is filled out right, the cops aren’t on the take, the C.S.I. lab doesn’t have a 6-year backlog and of course, it helps if the populace understands that bribing an officer to get out of a fine is a crime in and of itself therefore making it kind of hypocritical for those same people to whine about crime later on.

So let’s begin.

Cezanne Visser A.K.A. Advocate Barbie, the one found guilty of 11 counts of indecent assault, has felt the full weight of the law this past week. That’s right; she’s been sentenced to… wait for it… a whopping 7 whole years in jail! Wow. Some might say that that’s a bit lenient since most of the girls she fiddled were underage but I say nay, nay!
In our society, sexual assault is not as serious a crime as we thought. I mean, it’s not like she did those things to get a tender here and there. And after all, she’s a lawyer, one of the good guys. And as Jackie Selebi has proven; if there is a crime, a smiting we will go… eventually. So no harm no foul.

Staying with foul, Lolly Jackson was arrested at Rivonia Teazers over the weekend over a running spat he’s having with a former customer, Michael Kalyminios. Kalyminios laid charges of blackmail, crimen injuria and intimidation against the strip club owner after walking off with some of Lolly’s stock. Lolly, it seems, didn’t take too kindly to this. Lolly said that she could go, provided that her contract was paid up first. It seems Michael Kalyminios fell in love with Teazers stripper Yuliyana Moshorovs’ka and since their names are both double word scores in Scrabble, they thought it was meant to be. However, this episode proves that, like with the cellular providers, until you pay off the contract you’re still somebody’s ho.

Speaking of ho’s, Eskom have quietly been awarded their price hike. We will all be coughing up 25% – 10% less than asked for – a year more for electricity give or take a percentile. But don’t fret. The shortfall will be made up by the massive tenders awarded by government to Hitachi through Eskom. Once the ANC takes its cut of course, let’s not get stupid.

And stupid was the order of the day last Wednesday when it was announced that national police chief, Bheki “Six Gun” Cele, decided to lower the policing targets set for our boys and girls in blue. It seems that for the last few years the cops have been unable to meet their “Catching of Criminals” or CoC quota. So naturally the best plan was simply to lower the quota. However, “Six Gun” Cele and his posse will be allocated an extra R5.5 billion more this financial year.

The math makes sense. Depending on what side of the calculator you’re on.

On the upside it means that with fewer criminals on the CoC quota, the police will save on all that expensive ammunition. And a good thing too since more than 60 firearms and about 50 000 rounds of ammo have gone missing and are presumed stolen from the Hazyview Riot unit in Mpumalanga. So now the question is: do we start with the catching of criminals or cops?

Who’s got the biggest CoC now?

Further afield, it seems that some folks have neither respect for the dead nor a sense to plan ahead. Nearly eleven years after the infamous Columbine High School Shooting, Bruco Strongeagle Eastwood strolled up to two kids outside Deer Creek Middle School, asked them if they attended it and when they said yes, he shot them both. He was tackled and subdued by David Banke, the school track team coach. It was later learned that Eastwood had been hearing voices for a while. He answered them too. He had sought treatment but couldn’t afford the pills.

There are two important lessons to be learned here:

1. Everyone that needs their meds should get them. Period. It’s safer for the rest of us.

2. When a man holding a rifle walks up to you and asks you anything, the answer is ALWAYS NO!!

Fans of the W.W.E. (I know you’re out there) will be relieved to know that The Undertaker A.K.A. Mark Calaway escaped with only minor burns and finished his match in St. Louis after a pyrotechnics mishap almost roasted him. Ironically the wrestler known as “Dead Man Walking” nearly became “Dead Man Cooking, Running, Screaming ‘Put me out! Put me out!'” It’s a good thing he’s okay too. Think about it. If The Undertaker dies, who buries him?

And finally, we part ways with some more fireworks, this time from the battlefield. Last Tuesday, four Taliban militants were killed in northwest Pakistan when explosives they were planting around the house of a local anti-Taliban leader detonated accidentally.
The man they were targeting was however, not home. He had already moved out sometime before because of unrest in the area.

Thus bringing new meaning to the old rhyme

Kosher chicken, kosher chicken let us come in.
Not by the beard on my chinny – chin – chin!
Then we’ll plant and we’ll click and we’ll – BOOOOOM!!!
Do ourselves in.

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.