December 1, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Wednesday the 1st of December 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

As we depart for the land of the lost one more time, I want to say the following. This is for all the new people. You’re going to meet a whole bunch of strange people. Some of them you may not like. Some of them you won’t respect while others, you might just flat out despise. Above all else, DO NOT LET THEM TOUCH YOU ON YOUR STUDIO! The results are irreversible and we’ll have to leave you in the badlands. Remember that your family tree forks and that your DNA is complete and you will come back sane.

Entering The Opening Monologue in 3…2…1… GO! GO! GO!

A German pensioner has learned a valuable lesson about home improvement in the Zombie Apocalypse: When building a wall, remember what side you should be standing on. It seems the man bricked himself up in his cellar and only realised it after the job was done.

Then he managed to outdo himself:

Rather than smash down his fine work, he drilled through his neighbour’s wall to freedom. And the cops were waiting for him. Apparently hearing the sound of a drill eating through their wall alarmed them… So nervous, these Germans.

Elsewhere in Germany, cries of “Your cash or your boobies, lady!!” can be heard. Another life lesson has just been learned: if you get your boyfriend to finance your boob job,

Don’t dump him before the contract says you can. It seems that all Anastasia had to do was stay with Carstens for a year and she’d be out of there scot-free and in the clear. But nooooooooooo. She dumped him just after the surgery. Now he’s threatening to call the repo men. I’ve seen this horror film before, it was called Hostel. Or was it?

There’s a reason why we don’t elect beauty queens to a political office.

And here’s another reason. Venezuela’s former Miss Universe, Alicia Machado, had to shut down her Twitter account after she was found barking the world peace song up the wrong tree. In reaction to North Korea’s artillery attack on South Korea, she tweeted this gem:

“Tonight I want to ask you to join me in a prayer for peace, that these attacks between the Chinas do not make our situation worse.”

I believe the principal in Billy Madison said it best:

It seems that Warner Brothers, smelling the death of their cash cow – The Harry Potter Saga – have decided to trademark all things Harry. This has caused them to make a foray into the sex toy market.

  1. A set of life-like Harry Hands with “magic wand action” will soon be on sale under the name The Beater. The Special Edition release comes with a Phoenix Feather Wand with Patronus Charm action.
  2. Hermione Granger life-like naughty bits – called The Golden Snitch – will have many a fapping bookworm going cross-eyed.
  3. The Weasley Whammer equipped with Blue Ball Bludgers goes really well with Hermione’s Golden Snitch. It promises: “A Party in Every Packet!”
  4. An old favourite is the Nimbus 3000 Vibrating Broom… for obvious reasons.
  5. Also available are Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour condoms. They offer excellent defence against the dark tarts. But beware the Brown Eye Special flavour.

“There’s a flag on your pee-pee dear boy! And it’s just wrong!!”

That is the sentiment of most Singaporeans at their water polo teams’ swimming trunks.

Critics – i.e. the population of Singapore – have complained loudly that the image of the flag on the crotch is disgusting and disrespectful.

I fail to see the problem. The guys are wearing a banana hammock. You guys just happen to have a flag that looks like a banana.

Ain’t coincidence grand?

Russia’s Trust Bank has just gotten a new spokesperson. Bruce Willis. The Die Hard action star is now appearing all over Moscow with the slogan “Trust is like me, but a bank.”

So Trust Bank also has an ex wife made of 30% silicone with Kelso for a boyfriend?

Wow! Now that’s a coincidence.

A study has found that parent’s pressuring their kids to eat certain things can lead to the child being a fussy eater.

Fortunately, there is a solution.

And for those difficult cases…


It seems that some twits still don’t realise that when you speak your mind on Facebook/Twitter… ANYONE CAN READ IT AND COMMENT ON IT!!

The Bishop of Willesden in Northwest London thought it would be perfectly fine to post his thoughts on Prince Williams’s engagement with Kate Middleton on Facebook:

“I don’t care about the Royals,” there were “more broken marriages and philanderers among these people than not. They cost us an arm and a leg. As with most shallow celebrities they will be set up to fail by the gutter press… I give the marriage seven years.” he added.

Wow… So when you posted this… You weren’t thinking… Were you?

I’m sure it’ll be fine… He did apologize after all. Apologising is a good thing. And as you and I both know, saying sorry always fixes everything… Right?

A Mexican seems to have sampled a little too much of his own supply. In his drunken stupor, he has created the world’s most expensive bottle of Tequila. Named “The Diamond Sterling” the bottle is cast in pure platinum and encrusted with 4000 hand-set diamonds, it is hoped that the bottle will fetch $3.5 million at auction.

Well, to be honest it’s just a really expensive bottle that happens to have Tequila in it. At this point, you could put Oros in it and it wouldn’t matter. And I would you know. Just to see Donald Trump poop his wig.

Yes, I said poop his wig! That’s how freaked out he’d be!

And finally… this next story could have been such an ironic tale… but we can’t have everything. UK Turkey Tycoon Bernard Matthews – the man that gave Britain the Turkey Twizzler – has died… on Thanksgiving Day.

This has raised two important questions:

  1. Was it an Al-Qaeda plot to kill two birds with one stone?
  2. Was it possible that the tycoon faked his own death in order to avoid genocide charges about to be laid against him by the families of his dead stock?

We may never know. But some say, late at night one can hear the haunting calls of his victims on the wind.

Gobble, gobble this mofo!!

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.