June 1, 2010

The Opening Monologue – Tuesday the 1st of June 2010

Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The ruling party has been in fine form this past week: Witchcraft, superstition, jiggery-pokery, and the destruction of several informal throne rooms were all part of their repertoire this past week as the chains of logic were unlocked and a general state of psychosis swept the collective brainwaves of a party heading for early onset senility. In short, there was much poo being thrown around

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, two icons, one of film, the other of TV, were lost to The Reaper last week. Dennis Hopper (74), the original Easy Rider, died due to complications from prostate cancer. And Gary Coleman (42), the diminutive child star of Diff’rent Strokes fame, died after falling, hitting his head and suffering an epidural haematoma (a build up of blood on the brain causing pressure).

They will be missed. And as one looks out at the field of shenanigans going on this week, there are times I think Gary is looking down at us saying, “What’choo talkin’ ’bout, Jacob?”

So let’s kick off with our president.

Anyone trying to leave the ANC will feel the wrath of the ancestors. This was a message not from a sangoma or even the ANC Youth League. Believe it or not, this fine example of superstitious mumbo-jumbo was uttered by our own president, Jacob Zuma. He was the guest speaker at a recruitment campaign at the Kamlushwa Stadium in Mpumalanga. Apparently he was asked to inform the crowd of 30 000 rural people that lunch was soon be served and got a little carried away.

His warnings included such pearls as:

“The ANC will exist forever. If you try to harm the party, the ancestors will expose you.”

Regarding COPE:

“The ancestors are making them sick. Such groups will never be able to exist outside the ANC; they will die.”

So just to clarify, all the ancestors are ANC supporters and if you walk out on the ANC, the ancestors will pull your pants down, expose you and kill you. Interesting… So are we to assume that they are using a quick-acting ghostly AIDS virus? But what if, for arguments sake, that some of the ancestors are affiliated to the IFP and PAC. Do they also get to smite certain floor-crossing non-believers or are they exempt from the joys of ectoplasmic sodomy and murder?

All attempts to reach the ancestors on the Presidential Ouija Board Hotline proved unsuccessful.

Speaking of the IFP, the IFP Youth Brigade – the group presumably created to put out burning IFP members – recently stated that Julius Malema is the “only factory fault among us.”

They had decided to hit back after certain comments made by Malema about IFP President Mangosuthu Buthelezi.

“His behaviour is not only un-African, but crude by the standards of any culture, which makes him the only factory fault amongst us. While we find it flattering that Mr Malema would devote some of his time to the IFP at an ANC Youth League conference, we want to remind him that we are of the opinion that he is nothing more than an ill-bred brat with verbal diarrhoea.” IFPYB chairperson Lebenya-Ntanzi said.

Daaaaamn!! Pwned dude!

However, Julius Malema had nothing to say. This wasn’t due to a much hoped for case of laryngitis. He was far too busy defending his recent actions in an interview with the BBC. According to the interview, Julius doesn’t feel betrayed by the ANC or JZ for getting that quaint slap on the wrist a while back. He is still to attend any of the anger management classes he was ordered to.

Zuma “whipped the youth into line” whenever he saw “anything wrong”, Malema told the BBC.

However, Malema also refused to admit he had done anything wrong.

He then followed this statement with the usual script about the emancipation of blacks and Africans (which seem to be two different groups in his mind) and that land reform must be democratic. Let us not forget, an angry mob can democratically vote to pull a Zimbabwe on ones farm.

After he gave this rousing pile of rhetoric, he got into his luxury sedan, drove past 12 homeless people to his poverty-stricken, utilitarian mansion. Designated Distraction Man’s struggle against poverty continues.

In a similar vein, the ANC Youth League in the Western Cape decided it was time for the shit to hit the fan. Last Tuesday, the Youth League called on it’s to vandalise the City of Cape Town over poor service delivery.

Turnabout is definitely fair point at this point. If large chunks of Gauteng could be set ablaze because the ANC wasn’t doing its job then it’s only fair that the same should be done to the Cape.

A kind of equal opportunity apathy drive.

“We are going to destroy everything and make the city ungovernable,” ANCYL Dullah Omar region secretary Loyiso Nkohla said.

“We are calling on all youth to do this [vandalise the city], especially those living in informal settlements.”

The youth league members then went about tearing down corrugated iron toilet enclosures that had just been built by the city. That’ll show ’em.

*Note: Youth league boss fellas would later pull a Donald Rumsfeld by saying that no such statements were made despite there being proof of said statements.

It should be noted that most of the time, the reason politicians don’t appear on the television to give these statements is that they do not wish to have their verbal defecation caught on camera. As we all know, there’s nothing worse than a poo pie exploding from your pie-hole when you’re giving an impassioned speech.

The Youth League did set a landmark president in being the first group to use the word shit when talking to a government minister in a formal letter.

The ANCYL Dullah Omar branch had written an open letter to Human Settlements Minister Tokyo Sexwale asking him to intervene in the toilet debacle. (Why is it always a debacle?)

“Our complaint is based on the reality that African people residing in Makhaza, Khayelitsha, are forced to shit in full view of the public,”

And he’s right. Usually you have to pay extra for that kind of action.

Moving much further afield, bank robbers in the German village of Malliss had to flee empty handed and ears bleeding after they managed to blow up every part of the bank… except where the money was.

They blew off the roof of the bank and damaged buildings and cars in a 100 metre radius. But among the debris, the untouched cash machine was clearly visible

“The explosion was so big, they had to run away without the money,” said local police spokesman Niels Borgmann. “Something evidently didn’t work the way the robbers wanted it to.”

Clearly they didn’t follow the rules learned from Michael Caine in The Italian Job.

“You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!”

Meanwhile, in Paris, Venus Williams decided to strut her butt in an outfit that looked like a reject from The Moulin Rouge. Crowds at The French Open got to see Williams in a black lace corset with tight, skin-coloured underwear that left a few patrons dialing for their therapists.

Regarding the outfit Williams said, “It’s really about the illusion. Like you can wear lace, but what’s the point of wearing lace when there’s just black under,”

“The illusion of just having bare skin is definitely for me a lot more beautiful. So it’s really not about anything else other than just that skin showing.”

“I try to represent what I think my personality is on the court.” she said.

So clearly, this week her on-court personality is “Skank.” One wonders if her coach took the bait and came dressed as her pimp.

And finally… An unstable workforce can show itself in several ways. They can go on strike, show decreased productivity or in the case of Taiwan’s Hon Hai Precision Industry’s Foxconn facility, your workers can kill themselves. Ten workers have committed suicide to protest over poor wages at the plant.

According to management, the workers’ wages are now set to be raised by 20%. They just aren’t sure when.

“It may help the suicide situation, because we workers just need money and the financial pressure on us is great,”said a Foxconn employee surnamed Wang, reached by telephone at the company’s factory in Longhua, an industrial town north of Shenzhen. “Every little bit helps.”

It’s a shame our own workforce lacks the same dedication. The next time you see striking workers, don’t be surprised if you hear management scream:

“La, la, la, la! You haven’t killed yourselves! We’re not listening! La, la, la!”

This concludes this week’s edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven’t heard it all till you’ve heard The Last Say On Sunday.