June 3, 2005

Am I alone in the world when it comes to cell phones and the irritation factor involved? It seems to me that not only do every retard and their cousins have one by now, but also these tossers all insist on having the funkiest ring tone. I recently read an article that in Britain, cell phones had been banned in certain areas. One of them was a public park because the bird population was being affected. It seems that the birds were mimicking the ring tones and so, without their own traditional mating calls were not reproducing, and dying out.

And everyone is always so keen to play his or her tone to you too. They say, “ listen. Doesn’t that sound just like the real song?” No, moron! It doesn’t sound in any way, shape or form like the original. It sounds like the music from a 1980s arcade game. I can remember being in an old arcade, slamming twenty-cent coins into Rygar, Mortal Kombat and Mad Dog Mcree. In all that time I never once thought the music on those games should be symphonic classics to be played at high volume in a movie house. And what annoys me the most is that these yo-yos always take a good thirty seconds to realise it’s their phone ringing.

How is that possible? Surely if you spent all that time choosing this great tune, then it would be dead easy to realise it’s yours and think, “wait. Is it possible that that could be my whiny phoning chiming its rank melody? Perhaps I should answer it or perhaps turn the thing off out of respect for the other cinemagoers. Maybe I should do this now before someone drops a cinder block on my head as retribution for poisoning the planet’s atmosphere with this heinous din.”

Then, upon realising that it’s their phoning farting out a greatest hit, they answer it! They answer it! And then they proceed to have a conversation. They seem to think that by slumping into their chair and speaking in their lowest voice they can become invisible and no one will know who they are in the DEAD QUIET CINEMA!!! I think a law should be passed allowing us to legally execute these class act jack offs in the cinema and save the world for future generations. These monkey people should not be allowed to poison the gene pool any further by breeding.

Well, that’s about enough bile dispensed for one day. Have a good one and remember, shoot a cell phone maggot for me! Peace.